Parents speaking artificially
I don’t really know what to call this but does anyone else’s parents literally feel like co workers to them, like it’s as if we have some made up script that everyone is speaking off in a polite but unnatural tone. Especially my mum, she just acts so happy all the time but like not a normal type it’s like she puts on a voice and our conversations are so surface level. The thought of sharing anything below that like how I’m feeling emotionally genuinely makes me feel sick and exposed and it’s always been like this it’s so tiring. I almost feel like I don’t even know who I am like what my personality is because for most of my life I’ve been pretending to be whatever I thought pleased my parents, if that makes sense? I just feel so angry at them and even just speaking to them makes me angry but ofc conflict is just not even a thing in my house so I just act polite, ugh it’s so draining, at least I can go to uni this September for my first year.
Also, my mum is quite emotionally unavailable and I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was 13 and now I’m 18, which she was supportive in the sense that she got me therapy but just wanted to fix me rather than sitting with me and comforting me about it, I’m thinking maybe she just felt uncomfortable or didn’t know how to help me but all I really wanted was just comfort. Like she would just get annoyed and tell me that I’m ruining family days out when I was literally agoraphobic at 15 and didn’t leave the house for two months. Still to this day she acts like nothing even happened and also telling me that I don’t actually have anxiety because I don’t need medication, which is so invalidating to me as i literally still struggle with it everyday.I have had a few therapists as my anxiety was health related and emetaphobia but now I’m realising that I think I might have CPTSD because now I’ve come to realize that my core fears were about not feeling safe in my body and being hyper vigilant. I also thought this as my older brother feels exactly the same as me and mentioned that he thinks he has CPTSD which was crazy that we were both thinking that at the same time and neither of us knew each other were. I just feel so confused all the time about everything like how I’m supposed to act and trying to be authentic but not knowing what authentic is to me. What makes it more ironic is that my mum is literally a therapist 😭
Anyway sorry this is long I just had to rant but if anyone has any advice or can relate I’d really appreciate it :)