u/FatherlessHaircut

Im not sure if my body just doesnt need to sleep as much but Ive noticed, especially since I stopped using substances, that I cant sleep as well. Energy food fills me to some degree. I'm going on day 2 of no/little actual sleep and I feel fine, but I want to be able to fall asleep. Not just lay awake and suddenly it's 5:30am. I deleted my social media apps off my phone today so I think less screen time will make me feel more relaxed. Even though I have such great astral experiences, Im just frustrated that I struggle this hard to fall asleep. Can anyone relate?

I meditated earlier today, got connected on the bridge in f21 and had a loving energetic connection with my total self. We went into f23, then back out into extreme presence. And now I'll go back and forth between no thoughts and wondering when I will get tired until it's 5:30am again. Then I'll doze off until 7. Then wake up for work. and it's only 8pm where I am.

I live in a high queer city and there are tons of sapphic events where 100+ sapphics of all ages (but mostly late 20's to 50's) will be at. Last night I was at a pretty big event with my friend G and the moment we walk in we see G's toxic ex J. They just broke up in dramatic fashion after J crashed out and ruined G's birthday in front of all of G's friends, so now obviously none of G's friends like J. And J has been going back and forth between talking poorly about G behind her back and then texting G late at night about how she misses G.

Shortly after I see my friend M's toxic ex (classic case of severe untreated BPD) who literally terrorized M for an entire year, broke up with M, then proceeded to harass for 3+ months M by stalking her and calling her HUNDREDS of times in a row for days. Lashing out at M at public events in a drunken fury and just being down right hateful. Seeing this particular person had me wanting to leave the event immediately.

We stayed for just a short while because of course G's ex was following her around, wanting a hug, and trying to suck G back into this love/hate business. On our way out a nice girl stopped me, said I looked familiar, and asked how we knew each other. I didnt exactly recognize her but my roommate is pretty popular and runs some of these huge events herself. When I told her we probably know each other through my roommate she said "Oh no!! I definitely know you through S!!" (S is my toxic ex) and she proceeded to tell me how awesome S is and how her and S bonded bc they both were getting out of abusive relationships years ago and now they just drunkenly makeout and say hi to each other at these events sometimes.

Im so tired of women hurting other women. In my personal relationships I try to lead with honor, family values, and genuine care for the other person. It hurts me deeply to know that so many women exhibit clear patterns of black/white thinking, low empathy, straight up massive projection, self centeredness, and are very unaware of their own selves.

In the case of S and I, we had a short relationship where right off the bat S was picking random nonsensical fights with me, accusing me of being mad at her over madeup things/ things that didnt make sense, and when we went to sit down to talk about why she was, in her words, "acting weird" ...she told me it was because she was in love with me. After 3 weeks of dating, that was her response. I thought the conversation was going to be more along the lines of "I feel insecure when x happens" but no, she said she was acting weird because she loves me. And when I had no reaction (out of shock) to her saying that, when she blew up at me and said she had given me her heart and I had no response. So we broke up.

Im just so tired of meeting girl after girl and seeing such toxic behavior thrive.

That's all. I dont mean to be a downer because Im thankful I have access to such a large community.. it just sucks that so many toxic personalities exist in it, unchecked.

Thats an over simplification but when I started seeing this girl she wanted to compare star charts and she had an obvious reaction to my Venus being in Aquarius. Then over the course of a week she was really focused on if I can love/show affection to her correctly until she just like freaked and split. I had no idea there was more to star signs other than what your main sign is.

Stay safe out there fam.

My friend and I are throwing a Memorial Day party at my house this weekend so of course my roommate is invited and I told her she can invite people. My roommate is a fellow lesbian with mostly female friends. She also hosts sapphic only events and is highly connected to the queer community. There are 30 confirmed people between my friend and I - all queer women. Until today, when my roommate invites her new cis straight guy friend who is also very heteronormative. He's also one of those guys who has interests in emotional intelligence and energy work so of course he once joked that he is "a lesbian". My experience with cis het men, even if they know about emotions is that they just tend to change the energy of the group. Not many of them can join a group of queer women and let them guide things. Im hoping for the best and maybe Im just being a little cranky about it. But I decentered men a long time ago and always strive to be free of their nonsense.

Anyways. Thats it. Just had to vent that.

I just need to share something that’s been sitting heavy with me.

Sometimes I forget what it feels like to not feel safe in your own environment just for being different, or for not fitting into heterosexual expectations. I’m someone who’s often read as “straight,” and when I go out alone, people tend to assume I’m available or looking for a man. At clubs especially, it can feel like there’s this unspoken belief that a woman alone must be there to meet someone. Like there’s no room for the idea that she’s just there to enjoy herself. Because of that, I usually stick to queer spaces where I feel more understood, but even then I've had straight women enter these spaces and project the same nonsense.

I mostly live and move within queer and women-centered spaces, so when I do find myself in more heteronormative environments, it can feel really jarring. Recently, I went to see my favorite artist, Snow Tha Product. I got there early to be close to the stage and was just standing in general admission, enjoying the opening set on my own. I even had my noise cancelling headphones in..partly for noise control, partly to signal that I wasn’t looking to engage.

Out of nowhere, a woman elbowed me pretty hard. When I turned, she was glaring at me. I asked if everything was okay, and she snapped that I was “dancing on her man.” The thing is, I wasn’t anywhere near him. He was behind her, holding onto her. It felt like she had already decided what I represented, just because I was alone and existing nearby.

I tried to de-escalate. I told her I wasn’t trying to do anything and that I’m gay, that I was there for the artist. But she stayed hostile. So I moved. I asked people nearby if I could shift over because I didn’t want any conflict. I created as much space as I reasonably could in a packed crowd.

But it didn’t stop. Her friends kept pushing closer, bumping into me, ignoring me when I asked them to leave me alone. And then it shifted into something more serious..something I recognized. The kind of energy where it’s not just annoyance anymore, but escalation. I felt surrounded, like they were trying to provoke something physical.

At that point, it all happened fast. I defended myself when one of them came at me again, and thankfully, people around me stepped in. Security ended up removing them, and a few strangers checked in on me, which I really appreciated. Still, I was shaken enough that I couldn’t stay in the crowd and watched the rest of the show from the balcony.

What’s been sticking with me is how avoidable it feels. I can’t help but think that if I had been there with a man, none of it would have happened. That I would have “made sense” to them, and they wouldn’t have projected anything onto me.

It brought me back to earlier parts of my life. Being in environments where I didn’t fit, where I felt out of place or like I was doing something wrong just by existing as I am. That quiet confusion and shame. And it’s frustrating to realize how quickly those feelings can come rushing back, even now.

Thanks for reading. 🫶🏻