u/Fearless-Librarian75

I’m still crying when I see his empty pillow. Or when I’m washing the dishes, and think about how he isn’t beside me waiting for dinner to be served. I miss him so much. I feel like my brain hasn’t caught up to his absence. My best friend, my grey soft kitty. I can’t even type his name because it’s just hard to accept. I got him when I was 17, and now I’m 38. I have a 23 month old (human) baby, and my mind keeps travelling to the fact that my last 2 years with him were definitely impacted by the arrival of my daughter, in that we didn’t spend the same amount or type of quality time together that we used to - and for that I feel so sad. I did kiss him every time I saw him, make sure my daughter kissed his forehead too. I’m so glad they met. I feel so sad. My heart is aching. My throat closes up tight around that ball of tears. I went to the cottage this weekend, stared out at the lake, and just thought of how I never knew last summer would be his last. I just feel so sad and guilty. I don’t know how to move forward, and i feel like I’m just faking peace so that people aren’t concerned. What hurts the most is how unexpected his end was. He was acting normal, until suddenly he wasn’t, and it seems like he had some type of stroke, and it just progressively got worse. How? Why!? I miss you my sweet boy.

How are we supposed to cope?

Today was the first time I had lunch from the local fried chicken spot since my boy (21) kitty passed away on April 27. I was home alone, as my husband had to step out for work. As soon as I sat down at the table and lifted the first morsel of chicken to my mouth, my heart just felt so bruised, and my throat just tightened. He would always be so speedy and be right there waiting for me to rip a couple tiny pieces for him.

This pain sucks. And all I can think of is his last few days alive. Seeing him grow weaker and weaker, but even the vet was hopeful he could pull through what looked like a stroke. Ultimately, I had to make the call to help him onwards to his next journey. He was FINE until the initial signs of the stroke appeared 7 days prior. We had his CKD well managed (his blood values actually improved from his last blood test a few months ago). PHOS and Calcium levels in the normal range. Everything was great. I NEVER thought of losing him to a stroke. I’m so broken. It’s taken almost 12 days, but today is the first time I’m laying in my bed alone. I miss you K, I’m so sorry. I wonder if I could have encouraged you to exercise more, I wonder if because I didn’t, I contributed to your stroke. You were my best friend. I miss you.

I have so much guilt. His life was my light. I had a baby 23 months ago and we still made sure he knew he was a light in our lives. But our cuddle time definitely decreased. After work, I had to pick up my daughter and make dinner now. No more after work snuggles and cuddles, not until bedtime when the baby was asleep. I also always cuddled him at lunch time during my break. I’m focusing so much on this unexpected end. He was such a loving brother to my baby. And my best friend of 21 years. I’m just so sorry this happened to you K.

Exactly 48 hours since the vet showed up to our home to escort my baby boy onwards to his next journey. My chest hurts. I’m crying. It’s been on and off for the past couple of days but the depth of despair is so real. I miss my kitty so much. 21 years, and I’ve had him since he was 6 weeks old. I feel so deflated and in shock. I miss him. His warmth, his shape, his smell. How do we go on? This seem impossible. I can’t even swallow food properly. My throat is dry is feels smaller.

I miss you and love you, Kenny. So much. It’s wild.