Done. Liberated
I was in my 20s when we started. He is 10 years older, and he was my boss. 6 years later, he disappeared, and I received a letter from the BS blaming me, distorting the facts into something else, cutting me off on my salary.
BS accused I was the one who interfered their marriage, but from my perspective, it was him who crossed the line, let alone the manipulation and abuse with the power he had.
Before the affair, he used to yelled at me and used manipulative words to put me down such as “you are lucky you have me as your boss”, “you will never make it”, “the whole team thinks you are useless” to challenge my competence and self esteem. I tried my best to grow, in the tears, I always thought I was not enough.
One day, he started claiming me as an apprentice, saying I am his best employee, and would like to build a trusting relationship with me to help me grow. Every day, on our 1:1, he asked me to share a secret with him, something that I wouldn’t tell anyone. At first I was skeptical, but to keep my job, and in the hopes of moving upward in my career, and with the believe it could help me, I went along. Over time, we did build trust, our relationship improved, he stopped yelling at me, and I started to admire his work, and I started to feel being seen and heard that I never get from my family and friends.
Maybe it’s the admiration, he started to take tiny steps to cross the boundary, starting with an innocent hug. I have always been the kind of people pleasing person trying to survive in the workplace, so I also went along and not sure what it was, also with little reference of what other workplace be like, I thought this was just normal.
Over time, the hug became more intimate, I had to admit, it felt great to be understood, so I started to feel confused about my feelings. Knowing it wasn’t right, I still went along.
The whole affair, I never wanted to go legit, I understood that he would never, he explained it. We used to believe this was true love. We just discovered each other in the wrong timing. Even so, it was just torture to be kept in the dark, and our memories only shared in a few places, to see all the intimate behaviour of the MM and BS, and he also did 1:1 with other colleagues, and sometimes in private.
3 months in I told him I can’t do it, and he started to claim he cannot live without me. And every other months I hoped to leave, but never succeed. And then 3/4 years passed, the BS found out, I was fired. Lost my job.
I actually felt liberated, but then he came back, claiming he thought it out and he would plan to leave her and asked me to wait for him. So I waited, while seeing them travel the world, and continued to be kept in a dark place. I tried to leave, level with him, convinced him it might be better he stayed in his marriage and ended our relationship. But the pull of the toxic dynamics was so strong and there go another 3 years and then the BS found out again.
Now it’s over, he disappeared. Helped me get over it and actually freed me. She sent a letter to blame me. I understand that. Looking back I admit I could have rejected, if I have the courage, experience, the self-love and the understanding of humanity I have now.
The MM was the one who break the promise to everyone and deceived everyone actively. Though, I understand how in these stories, the MM were never blamed, because there’s still a household needed to be fed.
I carry the shame and guilt. I wasn’t aware of it. Here’s how I see this: Yes this happened, I understood how it happened. The unmet needs from my childhood wound, the low self esteem, the yearn for connections and validation. Now that I begin to learn more about myself, I have the compassion for my younger self. And now I learned to be that to myself, and as I am healing I trust that I can protect myself, and would not be accepting another toxic relationship.
Going through this journey, I knew it happened for a reason, it served as a lesson for me. And now that I know it’s not worth it, know more about myself, I learned to love myself and be able to protect myself. I hope you all do too.
Thanks for listening.