r/theotherwoman

I permanently ended things with my exMM after many many attempts. I can't assign an exact timeline of how long we have been in NC because I wavered a bit and reconnected briefly as friends but then went right back to NC (so hard to guide myself to do this!)

I was with my exMM for a little over 2 years. During that time I have had a close guy friend to whom I NEVER revealed that I was seeing a MM. I felt so ashamed, so I did what most of us do . . . deflected, lied, deceived my friend so that he didn't learn the truth. It always felt so horrible

About a month went by without me spending time with my friend due to travel schedules. Last weekend we made plans and one place we spent time was an outdoor patio listening to live music

My friend said to me "This compliment is going to sound strange, but you seem and look younger."

Can you believe that the stress, the constant highs and lows, the dopamine crashes caused me to look older?? I can believe it . . . but to hear someone close to me acknowledge that I look better, lighter, happier and younger!? What a payoff!!

I mean hanging out with their wife, kids, parents on a Sunday dinner type of relationship. Potentially scheduling a vacation this year? Screw with anyone else’s head like it does mine ?

My MM travels nearly every weekend for his work. I really should be grateful for that. But at the same time, not every weekend, does he give me the same amount of effort and time. Week days are agony for me. Knowing he’s back at the new house he just bought with his wife. And it especially gets me seeing him active on instagram and stuff while not texting me back. We do like to do voice messages. But he has headphones connected so often. So it just gets the better of me when he goes quiet.

Mainly too, because I am currently disabled with an eating disorder and am kinda in crisis so it can be hard sometimes going to the er and he’s not able to comfort me.. it was easier before he moved. I wish he hadn’t. I imagine the routine of everything has made it more complicated. Sometimes when a weekend is mostly evening calls and a few texts because he’s exhausted from working, its like here we go again, wait another week for more. Its so easy for me to spiral to worry i mean nothing.

And because he moved, it just makes me question if i really am going to ever go legit with him. He has marital problems. I just wish he said enough was enough.

I love him so much that it literally hurts.

I’m really scared. I’m going to feel empty without him holding me anymore. I feel so silly for even trying to be strong, when I know im going to crumble soon.

Two years of a very passionate connection, amazing chemistry, great sex, the best cuddles, and doing lunch dates to anywhere I’d want to eat.
We began as friends and one thing lead to another because people were not very nice to us in our lives at the time. We both have bipolar so we have had episodes that no one bothered to research nor give us grace. So we began to comfort each other, talk everyday, and meet up to have drinks. We realized we have so many childhood experiences/ health issues that our friends and partners never ever could relate to. (Yes, definitely elements of trauma bonding lol)

Now his wife is close to finding out and we decided to put it to an end as now we have a lot of anxiety and we are both in two very different paths of lives at the moment due to age as well (I’m now 30, he’s 40) it was going to end regardless this year, I knew. I felt.

We are deciding to end on good terms. I never ended anything in good terms, and there’s no reason to end it badly with him on purpose. We have cried so much recently. We are planning two more dates and part ways. We want to talk about how positive this was for us and enjoy what is left.

I’m 30 and this is the first love and heartbreak of my life (I was abused prior by relationships that was just attachments, not love.) Through him I realized what love is. He treated me with such a delicacy that I never ever had received. And I treated him with love that’s pure that I have never ever given out before. This is his first affair ever and we never thought we would be this deep in.

I've been lurking here for a while and often see posts about MM who say they don’t divorce because their wives because they are the main breadwinners. I’m curious to know if anyone else is in the opposite situation where the MM is the one relying on his wife for financial stability? How did that affect your relationship? And if you found out later, rather than knowing that from the get-go, how did it change how you viewed him?

I have found myself in this mess, and I can fill in more details if y'all are interested.

I don't want him to divorce

I've been the other woman for few months now, well they are in an open relationship for few years now.

He told me he was in love with me. I didn't answer to this, actually I said "you can't say that to me"

Last time we met he told me that he was not in love anymore with his wife and mentioned a "if we decide to split"

The thing is I really like him, a lot. But I don't want him to divorce. I mean, I don't want to be in an official relationship with him. My soul is broken from past relationships and knowing he is married was kind of a security net for me. Made me feel safe like this.

I'm afraid he would like to engage in something for official or serious with me. But I don't want to break up with him neither.

I’ve been in love with my MM for 2 years. We are best friends. Physical for 6 months. I recently did a solo trip and it made me realize how much I want to be legit.

But he continues to tell me he needs 4 years to end his marriage. I can’t do that. He is never there when I need him emotionally, which made me go nc again after trying and failing.

I know he loves me, but is ok hurting me to not hurt his family. I keep trying to go NC, but can’t last a day. We also work together so I know I’ll see him tomorrow. I have to stick with this, it is destroying me.

How do you stick with it when you still have to see him? I just want him to choose me, but I know he won’t.

The backstory: My relationship with my MM started 4 years ago. We had already known each other through work; our companies were partners and I spoke to him almost daily. Nothing happened during this time, I knew he was married. I was so insanely attracted to him but never even considered going there. Eventually our companies stopped working together and a year and a half goes by. He found out from a mutual that I was attracted to him. He reached out because he was in my part of town and offered to pick me up on his motorcycle which ended in a a beer at the bar. He then told me he was getting a divorce. That’s where it began. He traveled for work and I followed him everywhere. I was sooo happy. A year went by and he still hadn’t filed but it was too late and I was in love and stuck. We were head over heels for each other. They have a daughter that is the LOHL and it got to a point where he didn’t want to jeopardize losing her. But we didn’t stop. He even moved to another state. Before the move, he said him and his wife were talking about separating. Then last minute, they had a long talk about how they were going to work on it and they all moved across the country.

We still kept on, although we had many talks of stopping. His marriage never got better. Fast forward to March of this year, I finally ended it. I said you’re never going to leave and I want a future and a family. A month and a half goes by, we catch up for a quick call then go back to not talking. Until a week later, he calls and says he filed. I was his first call. A couple days go by and he was waiting for her to be served. I could tell he needed some space so I gave it to him. 2.5 weeks went by and I didn’t hear anything so I checked in. He admits that the filing is on pause and they’re talking things through and going to “actually try this time.” I’m furious at him and devastated at myself for falling for it again. I was finally feeling hopeful in March when I ended it and started to envision life without him. Then he came back, giving me hope for us, just to take it all back again. At this point, I wish I never met him. I know that loves me, he tells me all the time. He tells his friends (that know his wife) about me, calls me when he’s drunk with his friends and tells them I’m the love of his life. But he’s not going to do anything about it. I’ve just had enough of not being prioritized.

When we met, I was separating from my husband, and MM was supposedly on a similar timeline. At first, he confided a lot about how his wife treated him, and said he wanted to relocate and get a divorce so he could be closer to his own family across the country. Over time, I realized that was just a vague aspiration that he revisits out of guilt and because he misses his family. He's unhappy in general, not unhappily married.

I have since gotten divorced and need to let this go; it doesn't serve me. But part of me feels like I have something to prove. I am glad I finally got the courage to post here.

I’ve been dealing with this MM(45) for a year. He was speaking about divorcing his W(44) that’s why I even dealt with him. Everything was great at first he was prioritizing me in his own way. We didn’t start having an affair truly until 4 months after meeting because I wanted to make sure he was serious. He never made me question anything always answered for me and text me all day and kept me updated. Blocked her when he was with me and gave me what I need and was there for me. Took me to work and everything but it changed 7 months in. The wife wound up saying she was pregnant (5 months) and said she didn’t know at first. She said this after he gave her the divorce papers and told her he was in love with someone else and wanted to leave but she found out about me because she went through his mail and seen the money he was sending me. So now he’s being weird. I have to call repeatedly for a conversation. I have to wait for a text. He told me things gone be different when his baby comes. He told me he love me and her and can’t choose now. Then he got mean about my age saying I’m 30 and he’s 45. I’m gone freak on other men and could never be faithful. That they been married 7 years and been together 25 and have 3 kids and a 4th on the way.so I left then he comes back to me and says he was upset because he don’t want any more kids because his eldest is 17…I truly believed him so I took him back. His wife left for 3 weeks because she was upset he gave me money. he was good and we was good but then she’s back and now he can’t answer and sending these messages like you know I can’t stress her because of the baby. She messaged me and said you thought he was gone leave me for you nope he can’t leave his baby and your a baby yourself. I was okay with the kid because that happened before I gave him my body and heart but now he stabbing me with a knife repeatedly

I trusted that nothing would change but now everything is changing he’s doing a 360…should I leave???

Swears it’s only once a month maybe a little over that.

To sum up my situation: I broke things off with my MM about 3 weeks ago. He’s determined to find a way to make this work and is finally talking about ending his marriage so we can be together.

He keeps his married life private and never talks about his relationship with his W. But he’s told me that he wants us to go legit, and that it will take time to sort out his situation.

So he recently told me that he’s “making progress on his current situation so we can be together” without giving me any details.

I didn’t really ask him what that meant exactly (did he break the news to his W? Is he contacting lawyers? Idk). I just gave him the same response that I give him every time, which is “I think it’ll take years seeing as you have a small child, so let’s put everything on pause and if one day you really are single we can reconnect”. He hasn’t replied anything to that just says he wants us to work things out.

I keep freaking out any time he talks about leaving her and being with me legit. It’s obviously what I want but I feel so much responsibility for his poor wife that will have her whole life completely turned up side down. And his poor child that will have to grow up with part time parents. I just feel bad.

My question is, for those of you in the process or having already gone legit, how did you deal with the pressure of knowing that your MM is breaking up his family to be with you? I feel responsible for his potential future divorce even though I’ve told him that the decision has to truly come from him.

I spent the whole month of May at my MM’s house as he had the house to himself. Today he picked his family up from the airport and we’ve barely talked since. I asked if I should expect him to ignore every text when his family got back and he said idk I’ll message you when I can. I feel overly irritated and so disregarded. Back to reality now I guess

Although my AP and I are in a good place right now, I can’t help but to think about all of the possible outcomes of this. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years now and I often find myself thinking about the future. Will we stay together? Will we become legit? Or will I eventually have to give this up and move on?

The thought of moving on sucks! And I have a fear that if this ends, I’ll never be able to find someone like him again. He is exactly my type (minus the infidelity). His hair, his height, his skin, his face, his body, the way he dresses, his sense of humor, his mannerisms, the way he carries himself, the way he takes care of his home, his work ethic, even our age gap- he has absolutely everything I could ever want in a partner. He’s much older than I am and I find his age makes me even more attracted to him. The sexual and physical connection is so strong between us, unlike anything I’ve experienced before. He’s always making me laugh and he really motivates me to succeed. He’s so damn attractive to me that I’m insanely jealous of his SO for even being with someone as beautiful as him and knowing she doesn’t appreciate him the way she should, based off of things he’s told me.

Of course there’s some unfavorable qualities about him (like the cheating, conflict averse, inconsistent, etc.) but after being around this long, I guess I’ve accepted them. But I am afraid I’ll never find someone that checks all my boxes the same way he does. Even down to the little details. He has discussed the possibility of leaving his SO but the “what if” thoughts always remain in my mind. The thought of one day potentially having to move on from him is so scary.

Does anyone else feel this way about their AP/MM/MW?

What do you do when you lose your person? When he was the one who you could tell anything to and he’s gone from one day to another? Yes I know I chose to go NC but it hurts…and you have to put a smile on your face because no one knew we were together..I hate this 😔

MM and I will be experimenting with toys on our next meet soon and I'm nervous! He wants to use toys on me and I have no idea what to get. Does anyone use toys with their MM? Any suggestions? I'm new with toys so I have no clue what to even get for him to use on me.

6 months on and I am still crying over MM, are there any stories of hope? I know healing is different for everyone, but I really thought I would be further along than this. I’ve tried dating but just compare everyone to him! I’m 34 and so scared of not having my own family which also adds to my sadness. Any positive stories of women who have got through the other side please share! 🩷

Flair post *Current OW*

Should I be waiting?

Hi. I've never told anybody nor written out the details but I'll try to condense my situation.

I'm the OW to a MM which is why I'm here. From what I've been reading here and elsewhere on the net I'm pretty much in the same boat as a lot of people. 1 year together, we work together, have secret meet ups outside of work, have talks of the future and what that means in reality - both the good and the ugly, have been open about our feelings towards each other.

He says he is ready to leave his marriage and he was ready before we met. I believe him.

The issue is that MM, his wife and their kids are only in my country on a visa. They are on a pathway to permanent residency but his wife is the visa holder, he is the dependant spouse. If they were to seperate before the residency is finalised he would be sent back to their home country.

Over the last year I have tried to go NC and it never lasts. He told his wife back in November that he wanted to seperate. We had discussed him telling her when the time was right but he didn't wait for the right time and believed that she would be reasonable and understand that their relationship wasn't making either of them happy and boy was he was wrong. He was kicked out of the house within the hour with no clothes, no wallet, no passport, nothing but his phone.

4 days later she called and asked him back home for dinner. We had talked about what would happen if he didn't go back and say he was wrong, that he didn't want a seperation etc. She's accused him of seeing someone else, searched his phone, emails but found no evidence.

Since then it's been harder to communicate or see each other outside of work and it's been hard on us. His car and phone are being tracked, all mobile use monitored and any spare time is being filled with errands, only he isn't allowed to run errands without her with him.

Residency could take anywhere from tomorrow to 2 years down the track to be approved.

I know I want and see a future with him but can I get through another possible 2 years of this?

I don't feel like he's not choosing me, I understand the visa conditions are blocking him from making any decisions right now but my brain and my heart cannot reconcile this pain.

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just putting the words out into space.

I ended things with MM & surprisingly have been taking it pretty well.

I decided to call things off as I began to notice how crazy I was becoming. Anything would set me off, I was becoming dependent on him, long waiting times in between texts heightened my anxiety, never feeling like I had enough of him, constantly trying to learn more about her, the list goes on.

We ended things two weeks ago, ofc there are moment where I feel the sadness & just wish I had him there like I did before, but I remind myself of how bad my mental health was becoming, how he was never going to be able to satisfy my needs. However, for the most part, I feel like I’m able to breathe again. I actually kind of prefer not keeping in contact with him like before, we haven’t gone fully NC but we don’t talk everyday like we used to. I think I am so past on trying to maintain the affair.

I’m ready for real love, I want to be loved publicly, I’m tired of being a secret, tired of relying on his schedule, & the uncertainty of it. In some evil twisted way, I hope his marriage is never what he wishes it to be. I hope he will always remember & miss me. For now, I’m committed on building my future without him. We’ve made it, from some of my darkest moment in this rollercoaster of emotions to finally being able to forget about him slowly.

Maybe “compassion” is the wrong word? But…

Today, I came across a woman venting on Reddit because she found out her husband was still sleeping with his mistress of four years. This woman and her husband have been together for 20 years and when she first found out, she left him and they separated but he came back begging intensely. I think she said it happened two more times with the same mistress and now again she’s found out they’re still together.

During two of their separations, he moved his mistress into their marital home for a week at a time, kicked her out and went back to begging the wife. But he clearly is not leaving the mistress either.

I caught myself judging the mistress a little and wondering why she’s still with this man too, but then I thought… kettle calling the pot black.

I feel like, in a lot of cases, the wife and the mistress often stay for similar reasons, no?Love, attachment, hope, fear, history, dependency, loneliness, promises, chemistry etc. The difference is that one has the ring and social legitimacy.

People are way too gleeful about shaming the other woman because the common thought is that she saw a married man and went hunting.

And look, even as “the other woman” myself, there are situations where I draw a line too. I’m not talking about sleeping with/ seeing your sister’s husband, your best friend’s boyfriend or intentionally going after someone you know is taken from the jump. I’m not talking about those situations.

I didn’t know the man I was seeing for almost a year was married. When his wife somehow found me and reached out to me to leave her husband, I was completely blindsided and devastated. I left, blocked him and cut his access to me for 4 months. It was one of the darkest periods of my life but he came back pursuing and begging me.

I was depressed from the betrayal (I thought he was my forever person), vulnerable, lonely and already in love with this man. Years later, I’m still here. And yes, now I knowingly am with a married man, so I know people may say I’m wrong and honestly, yes. I get that because I could have still said no.

But the same way wives are told to leave after cheating and many still stay because human beings aren’t robots… I stayed too.

The intensity at which some of these men come at their affair partners is crazy. Some other women are being told for years that he’s going to leave his wife and people (including me sometimes) look at them like they’re stupid for believing the lies. But the same nuance people give wives often disappears when it comes to mistresses.

The same way he probably begs, promise’s, pleads and loves on his wife is probably the same way he does with the mistress too. And she believes it because she loves him.

At what point do people stop acting like the women are the whole story and acknowledge that the common denominator, and the person actively maintaining both relationships..is the man?

I’ve never gone after the man I’m with. If anything, I’ve done more to push him away than reel him in, but he continues to pursue me and shows up for me in many ways…

During our relationship, there have been times I’ve tried to walk away or threatened to but the way he has passionately fought it? I hate to even think about it, but maybe if his wife has tried to leave him before, he comes at her with the same energy because why else is she still with him? I’m not his first AP. Most women in love want to believe the things the man we love tells us.

He has never once promised to leave his wife for me..but stupidly, I’m still here…

Obviously, as much as it would set me back in many ways and also hurt, it’s much less complicated for me to leave than it is for her to leave a whole marriage. I’m just pointing out how complicated some of these situations can be and how led on some women can be by men who are probably trying to keep both relationships alive.