r/theotherwoman

I thought I’d give an update. You can check my post history for the full background.

We’ve started talking again. To be clear, I don’t think we’re getting back together. He was very clear before that he didn’t want to continue the relationship, and I still believe that’s where he stands.

But he has been repeatedly asking to see me. He told me he misses me, kept asking when he could come see me, and eventually said, “I really want to see you.”

At first, I kept avoiding giving him a clear answer, even though the truth is that I really want to see him too. I think I was protecting myself. I’m scared that seeing him will make me hopeful again, even though logically I know it probably won’t change anything.

Eventually I told him I want to see him, and we’ve agreed to meet toward the end of this month. We’ve even talked about possibly going to Orlando together for a short trip.

Now I’m conflicted.

Part of me thinks: we both miss each other and want to see each other, so why not?

But another part of me is scared we’ll have an amazing time, create new memories, and then he’ll leave again — and I’ll have to go through the breakup all over again.

I also find it confusing that he seems so eager to see me when we talk about it, but then we can go several days without messaging. Maybe he genuinely misses me but still sees the relationship as over, while I have a harder time separating those two things.

Would you see him if you were me?

If you knew reconciliation probably wasn’t happening but you both still missed each other and wanted to meet, would you do it? Or would you leave things where they are and protect yourself from getting hurt again?

Just found out, my old coworker showed me texts, of recently MM talking to her sending her pics of his office ( it’s more like an apartment the way he designs it in one of his buildings) where he slyly made comments about her getting used to what it looks like so she can come down there. I know what happens in his “office”. I’m disgusted because he had told me he would never try to have an affair again and specifically would never try with this specific girl. I love this girl actually, but he’s such a liar lol. So many guys act like they aren’t that guy who tries to get with anyone and everyone, but they are!!! This just helps me see him more clearly and I don’t care. I am just disgusted I fell for it with him.

I never posted in this sub, however I spent a lot of time reading all the posts here and in other similar subs to look for reassurance. Which just caused me more stress sometimes, but sometimes it was a safe place for me.

I had an affair with a MM for 9 months which was the most loving and emotional connection that can exist between two people. I never met anyone before who cared about me the way he did. He did everything for me, he helped me with a lot of things, and during hard conversations he never left me alone. He was always there when I needed him.

We were planning to be together almost from the start, but sometimes it failed, because he was scared to blow up his life and face the storm. But a month ago he was very determined about making things right and he even told our friend how he plans to go with things. I’m not the only one who believed him, the people who know about me, they all did. And now, as he promised, he confessed and told everything to his wife. He wrote me a long message how he feels, and that she asked him to either stay and work on it, or leave and never come back. He left and went to be with his friend. He also told his kids and his wife family’s.

After that he didn’t contact me for 2 days, so I texted him and he said he feels every kind of emotion right now and he wants to make a decision that is for him and not for anyone. He sent me long texts about it, and told me he doesn’t want me to feel that I owe him anything and that I’m free. He said he needs time and space. And then he unfollowed me and he just doesn’t respond now.

I know I will probably see him again, because half of my stuff is with him, but right now I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m confused and I don’t know what’s true anymore and what’s not. I’m a very caring person and I would be able to give space and time to him, but only if there’s communication. Right now I’m spiralling and I lost it and sent him multiple texts. Because I feel like he just let me go. And the truth…who knows. Maybe he is really struggling alone or he is with his wife who told me to cut contact with me, but in either case he wants me to let him go now.

I 30f and mm 45m have been seeing each other since April but have been friends and working together for over a year. We are incredibly close and interacting feels effortless. Two months or so ago he told me he was starting to feel “love type feelings” for me to which I told him I think I do love him. He said he was not ready to say it back. A week ago I asked him if he loved me to which he said he can’t say he doesn’t but is too scared to say he does. I left it alone. I asked again for clarity yesterday by what he meant. He said he wanted to think about how he wanted to answer it and later that night he told me he still loves his wife and he can’t say it to another person despite how he feels about me. I feel crushed. I feel like I can pour as much love as I want to into this and now I know I will never receive it back. I know I should just end it but I can’t get myself to. I love what we have. The imbalance was already apparent, we get very little physical time together and now I know he will never love me. Anyway thanks for reading just had to vent

I was in my 20s when we started. He is 10 years older, and he was my boss. 6 years later, he disappeared, and I received a letter from the BS blaming me, distorting the facts into something else, cutting me off on my salary.

BS accused I was the one who interfered their marriage, but from my perspective, it was him who crossed the line, let alone the manipulation and abuse with the power he had.

Before the affair, he used to yelled at me and used manipulative words to put me down such as “you are lucky you have me as your boss”, “you will never make it”, “the whole team thinks you are useless” to challenge my competence and self esteem. I tried my best to grow, in the tears, I always thought I was not enough.

One day, he started claiming me as an apprentice, saying I am his best employee, and would like to build a trusting relationship with me to help me grow. Every day, on our 1:1, he asked me to share a secret with him, something that I wouldn’t tell anyone. At first I was skeptical, but to keep my job, and in the hopes of moving upward in my career, and with the believe it could help me, I went along. Over time, we did build trust, our relationship improved, he stopped yelling at me, and I started to admire his work, and I started to feel being seen and heard that I never get from my family and friends.

Maybe it’s the admiration, he started to take tiny steps to cross the boundary, starting with an innocent hug. I have always been the kind of people pleasing person trying to survive in the workplace, so I also went along and not sure what it was, also with little reference of what other workplace be like, I thought this was just normal.

Over time, the hug became more intimate, I had to admit, it felt great to be understood, so I started to feel confused about my feelings. Knowing it wasn’t right, I still went along.

The whole affair, I never wanted to go legit, I understood that he would never, he explained it. We used to believe this was true love. We just discovered each other in the wrong timing. Even so, it was just torture to be kept in the dark, and our memories only shared in a few places, to see all the intimate behaviour of the MM and BS, and he also did 1:1 with other colleagues, and sometimes in private.

3 months in I told him I can’t do it, and he started to claim he cannot live without me. And every other months I hoped to leave, but never succeed. And then 3/4 years passed, the BS found out, I was fired. Lost my job.

I actually felt liberated, but then he came back, claiming he thought it out and he would plan to leave her and asked me to wait for him. So I waited, while seeing them travel the world, and continued to be kept in a dark place. I tried to leave, level with him, convinced him it might be better he stayed in his marriage and ended our relationship. But the pull of the toxic dynamics was so strong and there go another 3 years and then the BS found out again.

Now it’s over, he disappeared. Helped me get over it and actually freed me. She sent a letter to blame me. I understand that. Looking back I admit I could have rejected, if I have the courage, experience, the self-love and the understanding of humanity I have now.

The MM was the one who break the promise to everyone and deceived everyone actively. Though, I understand how in these stories, the MM were never blamed, because there’s still a household needed to be fed.

I carry the shame and guilt. I wasn’t aware of it. Here’s how I see this: Yes this happened, I understood how it happened. The unmet needs from my childhood wound, the low self esteem, the yearn for connections and validation. Now that I begin to learn more about myself, I have the compassion for my younger self. And now I learned to be that to myself, and as I am healing I trust that I can protect myself, and would not be accepting another toxic relationship.

Going through this journey, I knew it happened for a reason, it served as a lesson for me. And now that I know it’s not worth it, know more about myself, I learned to love myself and be able to protect myself. I hope you all do too.

Thanks for listening.

I’m 28, and I’ve been involved with a man quite a bit older than me. He’s married, although his marriage had been unhappy for a long time before I came into the picture. Eventually, he told his wife he was leaving and told me that he loved me and wanted a future with me.
Things got complicated very quickly.
His family found out. His kids were hurt and angry. He ended up staying with his parents for a while and started realizing just how much his decisions had affected everyone around him. He’s also been dealing with his own mental health struggles and recently started therapy.
At one point, he told me he needed to step away and get his life together. He said he didn’t want me to have to deal with his problems and that he was afraid he was going to hurt me. He told me that if we were meant to be together, he would get himself together and if I was still single, we would find our way back to each other.
He has told me that he loves me. He has told me that I make him feel good. He’s told me that he cares about me and never wanted to hurt me.
But I am hurt.
What I’m struggling with most is the feeling of being shut out. I understand that he has things he needs to deal with. I understand that his kids and family need him right now. I understand that he needs to work on himself.
But I don’t understand why loving me means I have to be completely removed from his life.
I wanted to be there. I wanted to help. I wanted to be someone he could lean on instead of someone he had to protect from his problems.
And now I’m left sitting here wondering if I simply wasn’t enough for him to choose me.
That’s the part that hurts the most.
He didn’t necessarily leave because he stopped caring about me. In some ways, that almost makes it harder. He says he’s leaving because he believes it’s what he needs to do, and because he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to deal with everything he has going on.
I know logically that someone choosing to step away from a relationship because they aren’t capable of being in it right now doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.
But emotionally, it feels like rejection.
I love this man. I want him desperately. And at the same time, I’m exhausted from waiting for someone to decide whether there is room for me in their life.
He asked if he could check in on me every once in a while, but I’m starting to realize that might actually make it harder for me. Every little message gives me hope that we’ll eventually be together, and I don’t know how to heal while holding onto that hope.
So I think I may have to let him go, even though I don’t want to.
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, perspective, or just somewhere to put all of this because I feel completely heartbroken.
How do you let go of someone you still love when the reason they’re leaving isn’t that they stopped loving you?

TL;DR: My MM, who is also my boss for at least the next few months, is now possibly expecting a child and we agreed not to continue if he is. I’ve experienced heartbreak once before, but never without a support system. Any advice for re-wiring my brain from one Former OW to another would be appreciated. I love him, and i’m going to miss him tremendously, despite seeing him frequently.

As seen from my previous posts, my MM (36M) and I have definitely gone through some rough patches during the last 8 months. But, we’ve been extremely strong the last 3 and have reached levels I haven’t experienced before. I’ve gotten extremely used to talking to him both to/from work, hanging out in the parking lot, and seeing him at work regularly (btw, he is my boss, too).

Well, the other night when we were having an extremely romantic night, he tells me he suspects his wife is pregnant but she hasn’t officially confirmed anything with him. Automatically, I do find this odd that they aren’t figuring this out together, but that’s not fully my business. Also, they’ve been married for about a year and a half. We’ve been seeing each other since December. I’ve known him almost 3 years.

I told him all the normal “Congratulations” and whatnot as I know he has wanted to be a father for a while, but I do tell him if his wife is pregnant we have to cut it off. I have a deep gut feeling he knows she is, but is scared to tell me based on this boundary. I still ask him every day, though. It’s only been about 5 days since this conversation happened. Ever since, he has been unbelievably affectionate and it aches because internally I know it’s about to end.

I guess I’m here to ask for advice on how to mentally get over this situation. I feel like I can’t really talk to my friends about it as the other woman, and I know this will be good for me in the long run…but I’m sad. I’m reallllly sad. I’m glad (if we do end) that we ended on good terms and with good thoughts, but seeing him at work (contracted until December) for the next 4 months will be agony, especially believing that we do both hold a lot of love for each other, but can’t be together. I’m in over my head, please tell me how other women in this situation have gotten over their heartbreak.

It was the first weekend we hadn't talked much since they were both off. I knew communication would be a lot less, but going through it was a crazy feeling. I still had a good weekend, but I missed her more than I'd like to admit.

I asked her if not having to talk to me much and being more present in her life felt better. She didn't address it, so of course I'm thinking, "Well, she didn't want to address it because it did feel better and she just didn't want to hurt me." So we just ignore it and start talking about other stuff. I just now sent her a message about how I didn't want to brush past it, that I wanted to know where her head is at, because I'm sure it probably feels a little better to not be pulled by two different people. She could actually focus on her life during the weekend.

I'm not prepared for the answer I know she's going to say, but at least at that point, I can work on letting go. I know she has never meant to hurt me, and I know the love was real, but it sucks that I got so attached. I don't think any of this is easy for her either, but I know that since she has a life, she doesn't really have to worry about being hurt and being so attached.

how do you let go though? i don't want to block her as i do want us to find our way back to each other eventually - whether she's divorced or not. I just think if i step away and let time come between us then I will be able to have her and not be so attached but for now - i know i need to let go.

Looking for insight from women older/wiser than me, especially other OW.

I love my MM. We've always been best friends and he's always addressed me as such. He makes me a better person and pushes me to "jump" for opportunity. In our ~4 years together I went from assuming I'd be a stay-at-home/subservient wife to making well into six figures in Corp America with my own job on the side, and thriving. I love the work and the agency it gives me. He tells me not to believe in "a woman's place" (which is how I was raised) and loudly champions my successes. There is NO ONE in the world I'd rather share my life with. The rest of this is tactical because I separate emotion from practicality on big decisions, but please know that first.

Current situation:

I'm mid-twenties, with him since I was 21/22. He's a tech millionaire in his 50s, net worth in the hundreds of millions. He's moved out of the marital home to "ween the W off the idea of being married." He wants a very prolonged divorce, potentially months before he says the word, so no one has a breakdown, especially the two adult kids.

He's made it crystal clear he wants me as his wife. Bought me my dream ring, moved me into the apartment he moved into, would put me on the card if not for legal complications, gives me cash spending money as needed. I get "wife treatment."

I looked the apartment up on Zillow: ~$15k/month, which I could NOT afford where I am in life. I gently asked what would happen if we broke up. We agreed he'd still care for me, let me stay a set amount of time, and make sure I was safe. He says I'm also his best friend and wants what's best for me regardless of our status. That held up when we briefly "broke up." He made sure I was safe, didn't retaliate, took care of me.

Until the 1st of this month he lived with me 5 days a week and her 2 (sometimes 6/1, sometimes 4/3). He's been honest that he hasn't said "divorce" directly, but HAS said he's "deeply unhappy" and "wanted to explore what being separated may look like," and she agreed. Because of our trust issues, he let me sit in (on the bed) on part of a Zoom therapy session, confirm the link, etc. I know what her voice sounds like. Both kids know he's no longer living with her, and both have questions and are suspicious of him.

How we got here:

~6 months ago we had a "quiet" period where we broke up and didn't speak. It worked extremely well. Then on August 1st I told him staying static like this wasn't enough for me. He understood and made a plan: he rented a SECOND apartment and has been living there, because he "recognizes he needs to complete the job" and push through the "mountain of hard work" to be "together for real." He's willing to do it, but "I make almost anything bearable," and he needs time apart to stay motivated.

Then I broke down this weekend and called.

Of course he picked up.

He told me, while packing a bag and then driving to the hospital, that his STBX's dad had been put in a care home, was attacked there by a dementia patient, landed on his head, and as of tonight is brain dead. I verified the attack through dispatch records, so I know it's legitimate (I have his location, etc.).

I feel real empathy for her here, truly. She's also deeply religious (Mormon, 5+ sisters) and divorce is seen as a sin greater than death in that family. He's an atheist. I asked the hard question as he drove down and he said: "I just don't know. I don't know if now is the time to put (the W and the W's family) through anymore right now."

He says he was truly in love with her to the depths of his being until he found out about her affair in 2020 (which I confirmed by hearing it from her... complicated). That's when he first considered an affair of his own. He expected "light and breezy" revenge. Instead, here we are.

Where I'm at tonight:

lying in bed thinking, "I just do not want to be a mistress for another Christmas." At the same time, if I ended it I couldn't imagine ANY other man on earth I'd want. So part of me thinks, why end it when the main complaint is "I kinda feel alone," when ending it means ACTUALLY being alone? When we're talking he's hyper-responsive and I have all the privileges of a wife. An older male friend of mine who's a divorce attorney told me, "Once he is moved out... even partially... it is all but over; you just need to be patient." I sort of believe him. But y'all, it's been FOUR years.

Tactically it also feels SO stupid to end it. I'm thinking of founding a startup, and he knows VCs at a16z, Sequoia, all the big names. His introductions have CHANGED THE TRAJECTORY OF MY LIFE. When I was sick he hired a $100k+ concierge doctor to care for me.

So part of my brain says cancel the quiet and go back to dating. But he feels distant and removed, like his mind is elsewhere. I KNOW that's the two moves, his father-in-law dying, and a myriad of other things. It still scares me, because it isn't the frantic "can't get enough of each other" it was, and that makes me even more anxious.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN MY SHOES?

Pretty much everyone I know, including him, says "girl chill, just be a touch more patient and things are going to go your way." I want insight from other OW.

EDIT: Important context. If I ended things there's a 0% chance I go on to date someone... normal. Probably not another MM, but I'd likely be single a year or two and then date another 50-something, honestly.

EDIT 2: I know through unconventional means, from HER mouth, that they haven't had sex in 4 years. Since we started dating.

Last post for reference

MM is now separated man. It’s been 4 months since he started the divorce, 3.5 months since he moved out, and 0 months since split custody has started. Everyday he visits his kids at his ex’s new home and helps with home repairs there.

I knew it was going to be tough for him. I was hoping him knowing I’m there if he wants to vent would be helpful. But recently he’s been telling me he feels like he’s holding me back. Telling me he thinks I should pursue a relationship with someone who can actually spend time with me.

I’m so heartbroken. I can’t tell if this is self sabotage or if he truly never wanted me in his life. We met the other day and I feel like he’s lost all attraction to me, if he even was attracted to me.

Maybe he’s found someone else.

Maybe he doesn’t want me to witness the emotional struggles he’s going through. Which hurts more because it shows he doesn’t trust me with his feelings. I think he thinks I’m like his ex, all judgy (supposedly). I’m not.

So since he can’t tell me he wants to go no contact I told him we should and there was no objection from him.

I guess I’ll take his advice and move on. But he was who I felt safe with. I’m just so sad.

These few months have so incredibly soul wrenching. My nervous system is in shambles. But now I want to truly move on and live my life to the fullest but I feel so incredibly guilty. I feel like I do not deserve to be happy after what I have done. I know the guilt and the shame is something that I have to live with my entire life but I do not want this mistake to be all that I am. Long story short: He didn’t choose me, i am going to respect that and I want to move on too. For me.

Please tell me the things you tell yourself to move on considering most of us aren’t in a usual relationship dynamic.

I can’t believe this. He texted me good morning like it’s just another old day. I haven’t answered and I’ve been waiting to see if he’ll remember. It’s noon and still nothing.

I’m heart broken. I feel stupid for expecting a nice long message of love. What an idiot I am.

I knew breaking no-contact and starting things back up was a mistake.

I think I’m truly done now. I will never have a true place in his life nor his heart. No matter how much he says he loves me, how many times he promises we’ll be together any day now, how he says he wants to build a life with me… I’m always gonna be on the side lines. A second choice. A fun little moment to have when he’s bored.

I can’t believe I keep doing this to myself. I can’t believe I bought into his BS. Thinking he was genuinely in love with me. I should be mature enough to know this is foolish.

I mean, honestly. I think most MM’s are losers. Very insecure inside. Deeply unhappy. Of course I know this isn’t everyone but it seems to be quite a few and through reading this sub, a lot of the stories end the same way.

When I look back at my situation, I see how I was delusional and blind for the first few months, was starting to not care, but then ended up working for him and that’s when everything became SO SO much worse. I uncovered things about MM that I had no clue about prior to entering the affair (addictions, rumored pasts with other women, etc) You think you know someone and then…

I can’t tell you how many times promises fell through or double standards were put against me. I had to live up to an expectation that was completely unfair.

When I looked back at this affair, a lot of it was really about control. Control of me and to have power over me and my emotions so that he could check off all the areas in his life so to speak. “If I can get her to fulfill my sexual need then I need to do this to make it happen. “- are serious subconscious thoughts that I think were in his mind based on countless times I look back and see how I was guilted and manipulated through actions and words of his. Not to mention the power and coercive control he had over me in the workplace. I was really screwed and my hands were tied, and yes ultimately got burned (fired from job, but is is a blessing in disguise I know)

Not to mention how I would see him do this in real time with other people, and how calculated he could be, it was like second nature to him as a sales person in business entrepreneur.

I don’t really know where I go from here or what the point of this all is, but I’m just trying to forgive myself and move forward and move past the anger and hurt. I do feel a lot of relief but I think I’m just angry at the fact that he had power over me and I felt like I didn’t have the ability to make the choices that I wanted to make. He did not have my back at the end of the day and admitted that he had failed me and I told him to leave me alone. He has done nothing and added no good to my life and really just caused pain and hurt. Bringing me to the workplace was stupid on both our accounts but he could have easily transitioned me to another role and instead let me be let go. In the end they look out for themselves. Remember that!

AP has something wrong with his heart, is experiencing scary sounding symptoms. Wife was meant to stay till end of the month but left 2-3 weeks early.

I’m disgusted, I’m genuinely worried if it’s okay for him to be living alone right now. Tests are being done frequently, he’s on medication. He’s always been the picture of health and now something is deeply and urgently wrong.

OW may be familiar with the business husband living in a separate country from his wife situation I’m in, she was meant to move in…

there’s no visa or money issues, they’ve been together a LONG time, but she never moves, promises to move, tells me and all his friends she’s going to move, doesn’t. The move in date gets changed again and again and again. Which is probably embarrassing for him.

How could she leave her husband when he’s sick? When they don’t know what’s wrong with him yet? When he’s still being tested?

She has no reason not to move in, money is fine, visa is fine, with the field she works in and being multi lingual she could get a good job easily and even if she couldn’t he makes enough to support here.

She doesn’t seem to want to move despite him having a successfully business here and a house.

I was in an intense emotional affair for 5-6 years and I ended it several months ago. As I think back on everything, I am certain that my presence in his life made his marriage better or at least more tolerable. I think he was happier, lighter, easier to be around, and overall a much brighter person because of our relationship. Now that it has ended, he has been moody and even acts like I don’t exist at times. None of that is my business, because three’s a crowd and I have no desire to be a third person in a marriage, but since we still work together, I can’t help but observe what has happened. To some or most of you who are currently the OW, are you actually unintentionally helping keep his marriage intact, even when he says he wants to leave?

Well, I’m back with another update.

Fast forward to now.

I have been let go (for no damn reason) at my job with MM. He actually had the power to not let me go but surprise surprise did not protect me and used excuses like “it would’ve blown up the whole business”. And “I couldn’t do anything”, “there was no other solution” ummm yes there was, but for the sake of not giving too much detail I will just say I could have been moved to a different position easily and he had the power to make that happen.

I was really hurt by this and in fact for me, it was less about the job but more about the social circle that I formed there. Now I do have another job, which is my main focus, but the second job was really good for me in the social aspect, not so good because of my history with MM so I guess you could say this is a blessing in disguise but right now I feel isolated and alone, and angry that people with power somehow always seem to come out on top.

I expressed my anger to him, and he admitted that he failed me, but if you know anything about my post, you know that he immediately goes back-and-forth on everything and his moods are like shifting tides. And I swear he says things to get under my skin and deliberately hurt me at this point. I told him I was lonely and he told me all the coworkers were out the one night without me. I told him I was still upset about losing the job and he talked to me about a woman who should’ve been fired instead of me, and claiming that she was still there when he told me he was going to get rid of her!

It’s just ridiculous after everything putting up with him feeding me Bullshit lies about his marriage and dead bedroom situation and then magically getting his wife pregnant. Which he had the twins by the way and I was still as neutral as I could be about it and even gave him support at times.

I think I can do this because I truly didn’t want to be in any sort of entanglement with him anymore, and for a while at the job, I felt like I was trapped and had no choice in order to keep my job if I’m being honest to that part of it was actually terrible for my mental health.

he’s Selfishly expected me to stay loyal to him while he can have the benefit benefits in the life of family all while I suffer in silence. I just can’t wrap my head around the selfishness of these people truly and how they justified in their minds.

Looking back at this I am disgusted with myself. I need to move on and heal from this. He tried to contact me the other day, and I answered the call and just ended up feeling angry and worse after because he says the dumbest shit ever. Not to mention just the push and pull he constantly did to me and trying to flirt with me and get back with me.

It’s just disgusting honestly, and the more I look at this situation as a hole and I look at him as a hole I see a definite pattern of manipulation, mood swings, addictions that I found out about, immaturity, and a God complex. Him and his business partner act very similarly and can’t take accountability for anything.

I have no interest in talking to him at this point because I’m so sick of these antics that he pulls.

It truly breaks my heart to think of all the women in here caught up and enthralled with their situation, I think I was maybe briefly for like a month or two.

I would just plead and beg all these women here to just never put yourself in this type of situation because these men are usually more often and then not selfish, manipulative, and narcissistic. I could write endless paragraphs about things he did that were just absolutely bullshit and I feel like I was treated so unfairly but at the end of the day, I just want to move on and never speak to him again because it really adds no benefit to my life. He honestly just made things worse for me in alot of ways. I will be better off without him manipulating me and my emotions.

He also has a tiny dick. Lol

There’s a question people ask after relationships like this end: Were you actually in love with them, or were you just in love with the idea of them?

I’ve always kind of hated that question. It makes it sound like if part of what you loved existed in some future you imagined, then none of the rest of it was real. That’s not how it was for me.

I loved her. I loved her intelligence, her wit, her humor, her beauty, how hard she worked, what a great mom she was, and the way she could be vulnerable and sensual with me as if she had waited her whole life for me. I loved the friendship. The physical relationship. The way we talked. The way we worked together. All the little stupid things that come with knowing someone for eight years.

That was real.

But I’m also starting to understand that I wasn’t only attached to the relationship I had. I was attached to the relationship I thought was coming. And I don’t mean I was waiting for her to turn into some completely different person. I was waiting for the woman I already loved to be willing and able to live our relationship openly.

I thought eventually I wouldn’t have to be a secret anymore, that we could finally be open, honest, and free.

And what I wanted really wasn’t some fucking fantasy life. I wanted to spend days and nights together. I wanted holidays, birthdays, and vacations. I wanted to be able to go to dinner, walk into a place, travel somewhere, whatever, without having to think about who we might run into.

Normal shit.

And because I believed that was eventually coming, I put up with things I never would have accepted if I thought they were permanent. The secrecy. The crumbs. The leftovers. At some point I even stopped asking when she was going to be free. I think part of me stopped asking because I already knew how much it hurt to keep asking. But I also believed it was temporary.

That matters.

Because when things got painful, I wasn't just deciding whether the relationship I had right then was enough. Staying also meant holding on to the relationship I still believed we were going to have.

So no, I don’t think I was just “in love with the idea of her.” I loved a real woman. But part of what kept me there was believing the way we were living wasn’t going to be forever.

And when I strip everything else away, I’m left with a question I really don’t like answering:

If I had known from the beginning that the secrecy would never end, that I would always get the crumbs and the leftovers, and that the open, ordinary relationship I believed was coming would never actually happen… would I have stayed for the relationship we actually had?

No.

I (married, 36F) started an affair 2 years ago. Started very slowly, emotional, and then eventually physical. MM is 55, unhappy marriage, 2 kids. It's been on/off as the guilt and torment regularly got to me, and I told my husband a year ago. However, longest NC was still only 6 weeks. 2 months ago I separated from my husband. I feel this was an independent choice from the affair, we had issues prior to me meeting him and I've been very unhappy. We have 2 young kids, so now makes sense when it's easier for them to adapt. After separating, I felt relief and empowerment. Finally relief from an unhappy marriage, and relief from trying to resist my AP.

However, we have started talking again and have met up. It's intense, we say we're in love. He says he wished his marriage would end naturally, he imagines being with me but can't imagine the action. He says his kids are comfortable and thriving and his dad left when he was a kid, he can't tolerate the thought of his kids feeling like dad left, and them having opinions, taking sides etc. His wife is unhappy and they have passive conversations about separating eventually but needing to do good for the kids (preteens).

I'm on the cusp of completely falling for him again. Should I risk it? He's a huge part of my community, almost unavoidable unless I stop contact with a lot of my friends and community and social events, which is why NC is so hard. But is starting this relationship again ultimately going to be harder? I understand and empathise with how he feels, but I suffer from it. I love him deeply but don't even know how compatible we would be in reality as we've never even had the time to explore the small things. But I would also love to be able to explore more with him now that I've left my husband and have halved my guilt. Before I couldn't enjoy it fully and forced myself to stop. I feel like it never feels finished, but do I quit while I'm ahead?

I went no contact with him at the end of May. I had deleted the app we talked on daily but couldn’t bring myself to delete him on Snapchat. I think a part of me really hoped that he’d reach out on there. That he’d see my stories and miss me. Jokes on me on guess because he watched my stories every time I posted but he never reached out.

I’ve been focusing on myself: working out, journaling, healing my negative thoughts and have been getting this gut feeling that I needed to connect back with my spirituality (not religion - I just believe in spirit guides, the universe, and a higher power). It’s something I disconnected with around COVID but I did a tarot reading and before I even asked anything (she knew nothing about me), she said I needed to let go of something. Well damn. It was the confirmation I was already seeing when I pulled my own cards. So I did it. I deleted him off Snapchat.

The level of freeing I felt afterwards, it was indescribable. I still miss him but I can already feel hope ❤️

I’ve been in no contact with my MM for 8 months. His wife was suspicious but it wasn’t a full expose/confession. He told me ‘we need to stop talking for a long time’ and ‘we will talk again but dont wait for me’, to which I responded ‘then I will be prepared to never talked again’. I was hurt and angry when I said that, but I also thought he has not been particularly honest about his marriage and about protecting us, so I wanted to remove the emotional buffer from me. That way he could experience the full consequence and see the truth, and come back the right way.

It’s definitely easier now at 8 months, but it doesn’t mean everything has been a breeze. I’m angry at least once a month, and the urge to contact him is still there sometimes (although much less intense now). Whenever I think about contacting him, I just think about the possibility of him being cold, tired, guilty instead of apologetic and wanting to talk to me. He still hasn’t reached out and sometimes I wonder if I shot myself in the foot because of what I said. But oh well, that was the last piece of self respect I could keep for myself.

W on the other hand has been going on a full performance rampage on social media for the last 8 months. I don’t know exactly what happened behind closed door, but from what is visible I dont think it’s likely a happy reunion. She’s exactly who I warned him about and him not believing me was the reason he lost me.

At this point I honestly dont even know what I was still hoping for. I knew I dodged a bullet - thank goodness it was only 6 months instead of years of suspension. And life has been pretty good - more traveling, more time for myself, less anxiety and less wondering. If he came back I dont even know what would be the benefits of opening up the connection again. I guess I wanted to get an apology, an acknowledgment that our connection mattered - I never needed to him to leave his marriage. But does any of that even matter anymore?