u/Stock-Huckleberry-76

I (married, 36F) started an affair 2 years ago. Started very slowly, emotional, and then eventually physical. MM is 55, unhappy marriage, 2 kids. It's been on/off as the guilt and torment regularly got to me, and I told my husband a year ago. However, longest NC was still only 6 weeks. 2 months ago I separated from my husband. I feel this was an independent choice from the affair, we had issues prior to me meeting him and I've been very unhappy. We have 2 young kids, so now makes sense when it's easier for them to adapt. After separating, I felt relief and empowerment. Finally relief from an unhappy marriage, and relief from trying to resist my AP.

However, we have started talking again and have met up. It's intense, we say we're in love. He says he wished his marriage would end naturally, he imagines being with me but can't imagine the action. He says his kids are comfortable and thriving and his dad left when he was a kid, he can't tolerate the thought of his kids feeling like dad left, and them having opinions, taking sides etc. His wife is unhappy and they have passive conversations about separating eventually but needing to do good for the kids (preteens).

I'm on the cusp of completely falling for him again. Should I risk it? He's a huge part of my community, almost unavoidable unless I stop contact with a lot of my friends and community and social events, which is why NC is so hard. But is starting this relationship again ultimately going to be harder? I understand and empathise with how he feels, but I suffer from it. I love him deeply but don't even know how compatible we would be in reality as we've never even had the time to explore the small things. But I would also love to be able to explore more with him now that I've left my husband and have halved my guilt. Before I couldn't enjoy it fully and forced myself to stop. I feel like it never feels finished, but do I quit while I'm ahead?

I (35f) want to be friends with my ex AP (52m) eventually, but don't know if this is realistic.

In a nutshell, I'd had an extremely challenging few years and felt unsupported by my husband (35m) whilst we were also having marital problems after moving house and having a baby. I began a year long affair with someone I share a hobby with and saw weekly there. I was very vulnerable at the time (due to life challenges and also a pregnancy!) and since the limerance has lifted I can see that he behaved in a way that didn't protect me, and also I can see his flaws more clearly now. I know he only really wanted access to me, even though we dramatically declared our love to each other only 2 weeks ago!

We had only met a handful of times during the affair. I cut it off and told my husband, AP was angry but forgave me and we've had on and off contact since (9 months). Seeing each other in groups 3 times- the last time a month ago, we found a private place to kiss. It was after this I told him we have to end it fr this time, and (I think) I meant it. He is married with teenage kids and can see no possible way to separate, mostly financial and concern for the kids. Him and his wife are known to be quite unhappy. I am now trial separating my husband, who forgave the affair. But I am still unhappy with him, even though I do love him, I feel as though we're not compatible.

I ended the affair this time as I know I need a clear headspace to concentrate on my family and decide what I want to do, for myself. I know there is no future with AP and as much as I can get easily swept up in the excitement and romance in it all, I know realistically I probably wouldn't even be happy with him even if it was possible.

The problem is - I love this shared hobby, and the community and social life that comes with it. We live in small villages and there's not much else that goes on, and these are a group of friends I've come to hugely miss since not going to this hobby (9 months- I left when I ended the affair and also to focus on my family). I desperately want to go back, some day. He will always be there.

Is it possible for us to become friends? I think he would always privately have feelings for me, he hasn't respected my boundaries in the past when I've ended things but this time I think he realises there really is zero options for us. Also , I've recently learnt that other members of this hobby noticed "vibes" between us, so even if I had wanted to we could never go back to our flirtatious ways with each other as it's too dangerous. I know the only non heart breaky, non messy route is to become neutral about him. Is it possible? Realistically I know what our situation is, and I feel I could manage my feelings given a lot more time NC.

I have no idea if I will separate from my husband or not, I still don't know if feelings for ap are affecting the marriage or if the marriage is effectively dying anyway. Time will tell. But husband will likely allow me to go back to this hobby in the future eventually, if we do stay together, as he knows it is a big part of my life. But then isn't that messed up? Idk! Help 😂

I had an extremely difficult 2 years, during which I (35F) had said I wanted to end our marriage due to ongoing issues. I've been with my husband (35) for 10 years. We've got a 3.5 year old. We'd made up again, then tried for another baby. I had an extremely traumatic and rare pregnancy loss (partial molar pregnancy), and then immediately got pregnant again with my son (now 8 months). When I was 4 months pregnant, I began an affair with AP (M,52). We'd been close for around 6 months prior to meeting. We met up only a handful of times, and as soon as I had the baby, I told my husband what had happened, he generously forgave me and we tried to rebuild. During the last 8 months I've been on/off no contact with AP but recently saw him this weekend and we reconnected and kissed. Husband and I agreed a trial separation 2 weeks ago. I don't know if I am pushing for a separation because I am driven by my desire for my AP, or if I'm in a failing marriage and my AP is simply filling a gap. The escapism got me through a difficult pregnancy, and since then the comforting thoughts of him have helped me through some challenges. My husband is objectively the nicest person ever- he found out about me kissing AP (accidentally through seeing a text) and still wants to try and repair our marriage. He has been reading a book about marriage problems and is going to therapy after I suggested it. I've been in therapy since the baby. I have a lot of emotional issues (obviously lol) from the trauma over the past few years and also generally quite a challenging life. I will cont with therapy.

I'm a very different person to when I met my husband and I feel I'm missing a lot now - he has no friends, is extremely passive and kind of kills me with kindness, constantly trying to do everything for me, even when I've told him to give me space. I feel like I'm dragging him though life as he depends on me for everything and has no interest in things (I plan 100% of everything - kids, food, weekend, holiday etc). He's stable and secure and unconditionally loves me, but I want an equal partner who can take initiative and matches my energy, and that's just not in his nature. When we met I was chaotic and loved the stability, but now I crave a bit more out of life, and he doesn't as he's very content. I don't know if I'm just sabotaging things because I'm used to chaos (bad childhood) and generally have low self esteem, like am I wanting to end things just to see what will happen. I don't know if we should cont to work though our problems, or if the evidence is there that we've grown apart and our marriage has reached its end. I feel like he's such a good guy and I'm a monster, he deserves better than me going back and forth but he feels guilty for getting us to this point. ongoing issues are mainly things he could have fixed, said he would but never did ie stupid gendered mental load stuff that slowly drove me insane and created an emotional distance between us, for YEARS. I have tried extremely hard for years to support and scaffold him to learn but it didn't help- since reading this book he has sincerely apologised for how things have been though and finally has stepped up a bit. I mean obviously I've made 2 horrendous errors but otherwise I've been steady and endlessly patient with him tbh being a bit shit, relying on me for everything and putting me under so much stress over the years just by not thinking. But now he is finally making changes.

My AP is unhappily married with 2 kids (9 and 14) and says it's financially impossible to leave but feels it's inevitable once the kids are older. It is fairly known that they are unhappy- she shouts at him in public etc. but I don't think he would ever leave willingly. Even if I leave my husband, I don't want to then be the other woman. If she was to find out it would be catastrophic for me as we live in a small village. I care a lot about him- he's energetic and passionate and has similar interests and hobbies to me, whereas my husband (literally) does nothing, and as he never plans anything, I can see exactly how our future looks, which feels a bit sad. But we get on so well, same humour and values and generally work well together.

I'm so confused and hurting. AP wants to be with me but not at the risk of his family. Husband wants to be with me, but he deserves better, I basically feel unlovable ha. I want to explore my connection with AP and get relief from an unhappy marriage but instant gratification will surely lead to regret

Thought/feeling/help would be appreciated. I'm lost!