NEED help from an Older, Wiser OW
Looking for insight from women older/wiser than me, especially other OW.
I love my MM. We've always been best friends and he's always addressed me as such. He makes me a better person and pushes me to "jump" for opportunity. In our ~4 years together I went from assuming I'd be a stay-at-home/subservient wife to making well into six figures in Corp America with my own job on the side, and thriving. I love the work and the agency it gives me. He tells me not to believe in "a woman's place" (which is how I was raised) and loudly champions my successes. There is NO ONE in the world I'd rather share my life with. The rest of this is tactical because I separate emotion from practicality on big decisions, but please know that first.
Current situation:
I'm mid-twenties, with him since I was 21/22. He's a tech millionaire in his 50s, net worth in the hundreds of millions. He's moved out of the marital home to "ween the W off the idea of being married." He wants a very prolonged divorce, potentially months before he says the word, so no one has a breakdown, especially the two adult kids.
He's made it crystal clear he wants me as his wife. Bought me my dream ring, moved me into the apartment he moved into, would put me on the card if not for legal complications, gives me cash spending money as needed. I get "wife treatment."
I looked the apartment up on Zillow: ~$15k/month, which I could NOT afford where I am in life. I gently asked what would happen if we broke up. We agreed he'd still care for me, let me stay a set amount of time, and make sure I was safe. He says I'm also his best friend and wants what's best for me regardless of our status. That held up when we briefly "broke up." He made sure I was safe, didn't retaliate, took care of me.
Until the 1st of this month he lived with me 5 days a week and her 2 (sometimes 6/1, sometimes 4/3). He's been honest that he hasn't said "divorce" directly, but HAS said he's "deeply unhappy" and "wanted to explore what being separated may look like," and she agreed. Because of our trust issues, he let me sit in (on the bed) on part of a Zoom therapy session, confirm the link, etc. I know what her voice sounds like. Both kids know he's no longer living with her, and both have questions and are suspicious of him.
How we got here:
~6 months ago we had a "quiet" period where we broke up and didn't speak. It worked extremely well. Then on August 1st I told him staying static like this wasn't enough for me. He understood and made a plan: he rented a SECOND apartment and has been living there, because he "recognizes he needs to complete the job" and push through the "mountain of hard work" to be "together for real." He's willing to do it, but "I make almost anything bearable," and he needs time apart to stay motivated.
Then I broke down this weekend and called.
Of course he picked up.
He told me, while packing a bag and then driving to the hospital, that his STBX's dad had been put in a care home, was attacked there by a dementia patient, landed on his head, and as of tonight is brain dead. I verified the attack through dispatch records, so I know it's legitimate (I have his location, etc.).
I feel real empathy for her here, truly. She's also deeply religious (Mormon, 5+ sisters) and divorce is seen as a sin greater than death in that family. He's an atheist. I asked the hard question as he drove down and he said: "I just don't know. I don't know if now is the time to put (the W and the W's family) through anymore right now."
He says he was truly in love with her to the depths of his being until he found out about her affair in 2020 (which I confirmed by hearing it from her... complicated). That's when he first considered an affair of his own. He expected "light and breezy" revenge. Instead, here we are.
Where I'm at tonight:
lying in bed thinking, "I just do not want to be a mistress for another Christmas." At the same time, if I ended it I couldn't imagine ANY other man on earth I'd want. So part of me thinks, why end it when the main complaint is "I kinda feel alone," when ending it means ACTUALLY being alone? When we're talking he's hyper-responsive and I have all the privileges of a wife. An older male friend of mine who's a divorce attorney told me, "Once he is moved out... even partially... it is all but over; you just need to be patient." I sort of believe him. But y'all, it's been FOUR years.
Tactically it also feels SO stupid to end it. I'm thinking of founding a startup, and he knows VCs at a16z, Sequoia, all the big names. His introductions have CHANGED THE TRAJECTORY OF MY LIFE. When I was sick he hired a $100k+ concierge doctor to care for me.
So part of my brain says cancel the quiet and go back to dating. But he feels distant and removed, like his mind is elsewhere. I KNOW that's the two moves, his father-in-law dying, and a myriad of other things. It still scares me, because it isn't the frantic "can't get enough of each other" it was, and that makes me even more anxious.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN MY SHOES?
Pretty much everyone I know, including him, says "girl chill, just be a touch more patient and things are going to go your way." I want insight from other OW.
EDIT: Important context. If I ended things there's a 0% chance I go on to date someone... normal. Probably not another MM, but I'd likely be single a year or two and then date another 50-something, honestly.
EDIT 2: I know through unconventional means, from HER mouth, that they haven't had sex in 4 years. Since we started dating.