u/Virtual_Cobbler9368

These few months have so incredibly soul wrenching. My nervous system is in shambles. But now I want to truly move on and live my life to the fullest but I feel so incredibly guilty. I feel like I do not deserve to be happy after what I have done. I know the guilt and the shame is something that I have to live with my entire life but I do not want this mistake to be all that I am. Long story short: He didn’t choose me, i am going to respect that and I want to move on too. For me.

Please tell me the things you tell yourself to move on considering most of us aren’t in a usual relationship dynamic.

Sometimes I get sudden bursts of uncontrollable anger. Thinking about how I am left all alone tossed and discarded. I cannot speak about this relationship to my friends or family. I am left to deal with this all on my own. No closure, no sincere apology. Nothing.

And on the other hand MM is with his family, wife and kids happy and well. He is probably making up to his wife out of guilt. He still loves her a lot. They are living their picturesque life together while he left me in shambles.

I am angry because he told me loves me and promised that we would have a future together, only because of that I put up with so much pain and jealousy all this time but after his wife found out, he took back all of his words. Even ended things with me but then we reconciled again until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was always the second choice. He had no intention of leaving his wife and was only saying he will because he wanted me to stay. All this lost time, effort, love and tears wasted. It makes me so incredibly angry.

I do not want to live with this bitterness and resentment but don’t know how to let go. I want to be the bigger person and forgive and wish him well, even if not with me. But my heart cannot forget at all, and I probably never will.

1 week of no contact. I feel like I might just go crazy. We don’t follow each other on social media anymore but have each others numbers and we still see each others updates. I haven’t been strong enough to do it yet. Can anyone give me tips on how to detach? Sometimes I feel like I can but some days I am fighting tooth and nail just not to text him. Any advice would be so so appreciated I feel like I am going to split into half. And my anxiety is through the roof.

His wife found out about us two months ago. We have broken off but we’ve still been talking on and off, but our conversations have reduced considerably.
Recently, we had a fight over something minor. I asked him a question. Does he want me in his life? Or does he want to let me go? Note that I never asked him to leave his wife for me. I just asked him if he wanted me his life and this man, the very same man who claimed that he loved me like no other, loved me even more than his wife….He couldn’t say a single word. He couldn’t just simply tell me that he wants me in his life.

I told him he can take his time and that I’d wait for his answer, but that he should only contact me once he actually had one. Since then… complete radio silence.

One thing I’ve only recently realized is that he has a pattern. Whenever he makes a decision that ultimately benefits him, he frames it as though he’s doing it for MY sake.
“I’m doing this because I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m doing this because I care about your well-being.”

Even with the abortion, he never once directly said, “I want you to do this because it’ll ruin my life.” Instead, he said he wanted me to have an abortion because he didn’t want me to ruin my life that I had so much to live for. Which yes is true. But it also conveniently avoided acknowledging what he wanted. I told MM I want to keep the baby if he was willing to support us.

Looking back, it feels like he always needed to be the good guy. He couldn’t bring himself to own the hard truth or admit that his choices were also about protecting himself.
I know what the answer probably is. I think I’ve known for a while.
I just wanted to see if he had the courage to say it out loud instead of leaving me to piece it together from his silence.
So now I’m wondering… do I just leave it here? Stay silent, accept that his silence is the answer, and move on with my life? Or do I eventually reach out again?

Story of how it all began: My MM told me that he was allergic to latex and I agreed to do it without. One day I asked him since we were having sex quite frequently and I was not on birth control, what if I get pregnant? He assured me that it was fine as long as he came outside and that even if I got pregnant, we would figure things out together, that he would support me whether or not I wanted to keep the baby.

And what happens? I got pregnant. When I told MM about it, he wanted to let me do an abortion right away. (I was about 3-4 weeks pregnant) not even worth a second thought. I am also quite young and have a bright future ahead of me so I also know being a mother at this age would mean that i had to throw that all away. But I was willing to, I felt it the moment I knew I was pregnant. I asked him “do you even care about the baby?” And he verbatim said he didn’t. He told me that he cared more about my well being which is a lie, he just doesn’t want to ruin his good image and family. And I didn’t want to come in between of that so I agreed to go through with the abortion.

It’s been nearly a month but everyday is still so painful. I am guilt ridden and I wish I didn’t go through this but at that time I felt like I had no choice cause he kept pushing the idea that it was the only possible way. He also has kids of his own and I see that he really adores them. But for our unborn child, the indifference he showed made me realise that he never had a place for me in his life.

When I talk to MM about how much I am hurting he tries to avoid the conversation and tells me he doesn’t want to “fight again” but I just wanted someone to talk to about this because I have no one for support.

He just expects me to be happy and jolly like I was before like nothing ever happened. I know he is.

On our day 4 of NO contact because I know this is for the best. Praying for forgiveness, healing and strength 🙏🏽