8 months NC progress - hope I didn’t self sabotage
I’ve been in no contact with my MM for 8 months. His wife was suspicious but it wasn’t a full expose/confession. He told me ‘we need to stop talking for a long time’ and ‘we will talk again but dont wait for me’, to which I responded ‘then I will be prepared to never talked again’. I was hurt and angry when I said that, but I also thought he has not been particularly honest about his marriage and about protecting us, so I wanted to remove the emotional buffer from me. That way he could experience the full consequence and see the truth, and come back the right way.
It’s definitely easier now at 8 months, but it doesn’t mean everything has been a breeze. I’m angry at least once a month, and the urge to contact him is still there sometimes (although much less intense now). Whenever I think about contacting him, I just think about the possibility of him being cold, tired, guilty instead of apologetic and wanting to talk to me. He still hasn’t reached out and sometimes I wonder if I shot myself in the foot because of what I said. But oh well, that was the last piece of self respect I could keep for myself.
W on the other hand has been going on a full performance rampage on social media for the last 8 months. I don’t know exactly what happened behind closed door, but from what is visible I dont think it’s likely a happy reunion. She’s exactly who I warned him about and him not believing me was the reason he lost me.
At this point I honestly dont even know what I was still hoping for. I knew I dodged a bullet - thank goodness it was only 6 months instead of years of suspension. And life has been pretty good - more traveling, more time for myself, less anxiety and less wondering. If he came back I dont even know what would be the benefits of opening up the connection again. I guess I wanted to get an apology, an acknowledgment that our connection mattered - I never needed to him to leave his marriage. But does any of that even matter anymore?