Help! I think I threw away the love of my life!!:(
Hello, I really need advice and help! I am (26F) who was in a years long relationship with (36M), until about a month ago. Throwaway account for embarrassment.
TL/DR I basically brokeup with someone for reasons I wasn't really certain about and now realize they were probably the love of my life and I want advice on what to do. 😞
Let me start off by saying that, I have had a long history of self-sabotaging. Opinions vary as to why, but my childhood was horrible, I was raised in a very violent and toxic environment. I have done ok, I have a career, pay my bills, no children, but I always felt something was missing in my life.
All that changed when I met Rob. We met at the company I used to work at (I had moved on to a different one by the time this break happened), we were just placed in cubes next to each other, we are both on the phone a lot, and after conversations hung up he would comment on what I had to say. He is fairly good looking in a outdoorsy sense, has a great sense of humor. One of the cute things he started doing is he had one of those "sticky hands" things, and he would fling it over the cubicle wall, so it would grab a piece of paper, contract whatever, then I would have to stomp over and ask for it back.
One thing led to another, he asked me to dinner, and the sparks started flying as soon as he touched my hand across the table. From then on it was this wild ride of fun dates, escalating attraction (including sexual) and trying to hide it all from our coworkers, which lasted about a month, lol. They all were supportive though, and like I said I got a better offer from another company before things got too deep.
He was basically everything I wanted in a man, intelligent but funny, successful, caring, and we had a sex life that was insanely good, like the "nearby neighbors look at you sideways when you pass in the building hallway" good! He told me after about the 2nd or 3rd date about his divorce, and that he had a 9 year old daughter, but I knew he was older than me and so I was not entirely surprised he had a past.
He would do all the little things, too, and he is the first man that ever me feel truly safe. We had this thing when I'd lay on the couch binging shows with him with my head in his lap, he would play with my hair, just gently stroking it (I am tearing up just typing that, if that tells you anything).
So what happened? I honestly do not know. I had moved in to his apartment when my lease was up, and things were going great, we were making plans, talking about a future together. Things changed a little when his daughter moved in with us, but don't get the wrong idea, she was really sweet, and we got along great, I even took her out one time and bought her this yellow dress. She called me "Mom" one time when she was distracted, and got like 17 kinds of embarrassed when she realized what she said, but I thought it was sweet and cute.
One day though, out of the blue, I started getting this wave of panic feeling. It got worse and worse. I didn't know what to do with it, and it just started getting larger and larger. He came home from work that evening (Ocean was at her Mom's), and I told him, "Rob, I just don't think this is going to work between us. I need to move out." He was really really hurt, I could tell, but he never gave me a lot of sh*t about it, just kind of said, I am really sorry to hear you feel that way, I thought we had something really special and magical between us.
Yeah, me too.:(
So, long story short, since I had a lot of my stuff in storage, I moved like overnight into my besties spare room. We did not see or talk to each other much beyond that (one of my friends told me about the 30 day rule, and I thought maybe that was best). Since we don't work at the same company anymore, we really quickly dropped from each other's lives.
And now I am in my bestie's room, crying myself to sleep every night, biting and hitting my pillow to keep from screaming, and calling myself, "stupid! Stupid! STUPID!" My best friend is and has been amazing through it all, but the first reaction I got from her was "Lizzie, what the F**K?! He is like the best thing that ever happened to you." (she is familiar with my shooting myself in the foot habit). Every once in a awhile she comes in, will lay in bed with me and just hold me, but we don't talk much, after "WTF?!!" there just isn't a lot more to be said.
I still love him. I am as sure of that as I know the sun will come up tomorrow. I miss each and every thing about our lives together, even his annoying cats, lol. Even Ocean. So here I am, not knowing why the hell I did what I did or what I should do now. I have my network of spies at my old company, that tell me what he is up to. They say that, he is not dating anyone yet, but that the birds are circling and that a lot of available women make "special excuses" to come down and hang by his cubicle. They say he looks kind of bummed, as who wouldn't be from my total blindside.
I am not excusing what I did, because, tbh. I don't even know why the hell I did it, I am just saying that, I threw away the love of my life, and I'd really really really like him back for another try. The only thing I can think of is that it seemed like things moved a little too fast, like I felt a real longing for when we were just having the fun dates and crazy sex at his place. But its not like I didn't look forward to our plans too. I dunno, just an idiot I guess. The 30 days has come and gone, but I feel embarassed to reach out.
Anyway, thanks for listening, any advice would really help me know what to do.