I don't think it's possible for me to get help.
I've always tried everything I could to find new answers. I dragged myself to therapy, and I've posted on tons of places online looking for anything. But none of it has ever helped.
I've told my 'story' countless times. At this point I barely care to bother. Almost every time I get people saying I deserve better, or that they hope things turn around, even when I'm posting in very toxic places. It's stopped meaning anything to me though. The few times people have tried to offer 'advice' it's always the same shit. "Just get out more!" "Just do things for yourself!" "Just go for walks!" Even worse are the ones that try to conceptualize my entire identity off of barely anything and feel they've pegged my mental state and everything I've tried, only to be completely and laughably wrong.
I'm just so tired. My mom is one of the only people I still talk to at this point, and she thinks I'm full of it because I haven't tried anything drastic yet. "People don't talk about it they just do it." She and everyone else just lives in denial of my situation. "You just need to do XYZ" while ignoring everything I tell them. About how I did every single thing they suggested and it didn't work. The most sardonically funny response is when I'm told I just need therapy. I've gone to therapy for most of my life and kept getting completely clueless people. I finally got one who wasn't, and I felt it was going alright. He didn't just ignore the things I said I wanted help with like the others had. He didn't act like I was just somehow confused on what was upsetting me. But after everything in my life fell apart, it didn't take long for him to outright tell me that the specific problems I was hyperfixated on weren't things therapy could help me with beyond trying to "reframe my mindset" - functionally just try to induce delusional positivity.
At this point I have to assume anyone who's been in a similar position to me either found an out and never looked back, or just ended it. Every time someone's felt like they could actually relate, their only answer is "just get over it". And after awhile, it becomes clear they had opportunities and support I've never had. They expect me to do better than them with less than they had. They're often the ones to hurt me the most. Maybe it's on me though, maybe I'm just too quick to think they'll get it, too quick to think they actually care.
I wish I could just turn everything off. I'm tired of missing people who took everything I did for them for granted. I hate that I want to talk to people who made it overwhelmingly clear that they basically only talked to me out of pity, and never actually paid attention to what I said, or wanted me around for anything other than a convenient momentary distraction, or to feel better about their own lives.
There's technically still a way out. It's the only reason I'm still here at all. I know if it happened how I'd want it to, everything would be worth it. I would be able to genuinely say all this suffering was a worthy price to pay. But I also know that just won't happen. Before everything fell apart I did what I could with my limited emotional battery to help pull others up. It's become overwhelmingly clear no one would ever offer the same amount of effort to me. And the more time passes, the worse I become, the older I get, and the less likely it is to ever happen. If I could do what people actually think I should - if I could make myself delusional, re-instate some amount of Hope that anything could ever improve, maybe, MAYBE something could happen. But the idea that I have to pretend all my problems don't exist for anyone to treat me like a person sickens me.
I know I'm supposed to look for support here, and I know that that won't happen unless I went into detail, but I am just so sick of everything that comes with even trying. I'm sick of being misunderstood when I'm speaking plainly and directly. I'm sick of being minimized because people think I must be exaggerating. I'm sick of people acting like the things I care about don't matter when it's shit they've never had to worry about, or just don't have as much stock in. I could try to organize my thoughts again, go over every detail, every train of thought, and meticulously try to set the stage, but what's the fucking point if the best I've gotten, and likely will ever get, is some vague, kind words, or explicit admission that they don't know what I can do?