A letter to myself
I am not writing this to get some sympathy but just to lift things from my heart.
I am from a middle class family. I got my laptop in 11th and do so first internet connection with that due to covid. Funny enough, I got my own smartphone in college. But anyway, I was very much interested in physics. I didnt know what to do. My parents are not much educated, they couldn't help me in this. I got to know about IIT and its exam in 12th class and started preparing for it little by myself. And also started thinking about what to do in future. I realized I want to earn money as a middle class so tech is where it is but I cant leave physics. I Love it too much for it. I cleared mains barely but not adv. I took a drop, prepared myself from youtub, got 99 percentile and due to some personal reasons, after first attempt couldn't study and well couldn't score.
I took Engineering Physics at an NIT thinking if I get good guidance or opportunities, I will go on in physics and if not, well tech is still there.
All my life I have felt I couldn't get a good mentor in my life. Teachers in school always prefer the toppr ones. I was average. I thought college would change that. Even if an NIT, its still an institute of national importance, I mean.
I entered and idk for some reason, I was shocked that everyone was shocked I choose this branch with that percentile. Anyway, in first year, I tried to do things. I was enthusiastic. Heck, I even arranged an extra lecture from a professor on Quantum mechanics because I wanted to learn so much. I Participated in clubs and other things, and soon starts to realize this place is shit. No proper funding of any type for projects. Everyone focus was just to find niche projects online to copy and larpe at event so that nobody else found out we copied it. All I hearing was that member of core team stole this much money and all. Faculties were useless, either they had ego that only they are right or they had no opinion and you could do anything.
With time, I started to get depressed. For some reason, I had high hopes with peers, faculties, labs that I would be able to do something in it.
I got 8 at end of my first year. And from 2nd year, I was a kid who lost all enthusiasm. There were other problems too which I wont get in much detail here.
I started working on my CGPA. I got 9.5 in my 3rd sem and so on and still maintaining above 9 in every semester.(8.8 currently, one thing i am proud of.) In 2nd year, I tried to approach professor to work, professor who themselves ask for if any UG student want to participate in research. Contacted multiple times, and they always deflected for some reason. More things happened and I fell more into deephole. I feel like I didnt want to exist anymore.
In my first year, I learnt some web development. In 2nd year, some DSA. But by the end of 2nd, I was completely a student whose will was broken to do anything. I really started to have suicidal thoughts to extreme. In the 3rd year, in one of lab courses, there were 8 exp to begin with and we were left with 2 at the end because other exp apparatus were not working. By the end of 3rd year, I was just living day by day. Still, applied for a research intern at an IIT. Worked on a opened topic, was on the drafting stage on research paper but due to some unavoidable circumstances, it was not published as we were late and some other group published it on same month on same topic.
And now, I am in final year. Have no skills, Have no motivation or will to do anything. I lie down in my room everyday, just crying why I am not able to do anything or even what to do.
There were many things in between which I wouldn't go much in detail. But I just wanted to share this. In 12th, I used to think I would be so good at physics and contribute to humanity knowledge and then in some way uplift children like me who didn't have a good mentor to guide them. And here I am in final year of college, just surviving day by day.
Every day I hear, someone is stealing that money or this. Even wifi didnt work here even though the FI herself know the issue. Repeatedly mails, contact, still nothing. And frustration list goes on and on
People near me are rich too. For some reason, even not so rich friends have relatives in some good positions or abroad. And while I, I have no one. I dont get jealous but it feels uneasy seeing rich people having opportunities, connection to things. Getting internship, getting jobs, some connections to abroad, and if nothing else, still a peace of mind about finances.
You could say I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't. But I tried what I could. You would say I was naive for expecting this good of a thing. Maybe I was, maybe if someone could have told me this is the situation of research in india, I would have just choosen tech and moved on like anyone else. You could say I should have chosen tech, but I was too in love with physics. And the irony is, if I go back in time, I would still choose it again.
I don't know what to do now. I dont have skills for tech, I dont have motivation for physics. I dont want to do PhD in india anymore, I wont get anywhere abroad. Even I do, I dont know I would be able to do it or not.
I see people near me, and I am always surprised by the irony of human behavior. We have goddess statues in the same building where most corruption happen. We take oaths to do the righteous things and do the evilest things. I have seen people donating food to priests by black money they got because they believe in this way, they will get some good balance in their life.
I am sad by the state of my country, of its institution. And for some reason, I am having a hard time accepting it and moving on. Maybe I still want to clinge to that kid who was fascinated by the universe and wanted to learn about it and not worry about anything else.
But the time is running out, and I have some responsibility as a single child. I try everyday to get up and do some work and I get drowned by the heaviness of existence nowadays. I am too self aware for any advice to work. I know I should accept the situation and get the best out of it. I know I should try small. I know those things but they don't work. I lay down and existence feels tiring to me.
Hopefully I go to somewhere good, I somehow still believe in this. Hopefully, I will one day contribute to humanity's understanding but until then, I need to learn how to live. Hopefully, I get my will to live again.
Until then, I would survive yet another day. Have a nice day and take care
P.S. - sorry for the long read and any unbroken lines. I wrote it in one go.