I’m struggling in my christian walk because no one ever helped me.
I’m 15 and have been “Christian” as long as I can remember. I feel especially as of now, we are getting closer and closer to the end times, as a matter of fact I think we ARE in the end times, and that concerns me, because when i’m judged, I don’t feel as if I have anything to show for. I’m not treating Jesus as JUST my ticket to heaven, but I want to see him as a teacher and father that I feel like i’m seeing less and less of. I see the people in my youth group, they have questions, they understand, they retain knowledge, they seem like good people and THROW themselves into religion, which for some reason I feel like I can’t just do. People sing during worship services, however I stand and remain quiet, no one in my youth group talks to me, I feel as if I’m an outcast and I see the leaders faces and they have pity for me.
I think the reason no one talks to me in my youth group is because of my ex. I won’t get in to it, but I got the courage and brought her to church, she made friends, she then cheated on me and made allegations. Now it feels like i’m an outcast.
Taking all this into consideration, I feel like I didn’t have any help to cope with this other than worldly things and desires, doing bad things with my friends, staying on the game all day, etc. My whole family is against therapy and is the traditional maga conservative stereotype. If I talk to anyone about this in my family, they will call me fake or tell me to do things I simply can’t do.
I struggle immensely with repentance, I say one thing and forget two hours later. I tell myself I’ll read my Bible, but I don’t because I don’t like reading. I feel like I don’t have a role, I don’t want to be the Christian that goes to church on sundays and commits every sin in the book 6 of the other days.
(Sorry i’m going really back and forth between topics.)
I’m told to interact with the other kids in my group, and as good as I said they were, we have nothing in common. They like to do things with each other all day and have all known each other for years, and I’m just the quiet one who came into the church late and the one who never shows up to events. I never show up to events because of the damage my ex did to my reputation in that classroom. It gets awkward when I talk because I never have anything good or new to tell them. I can’t tell this to my grandfather (the one who takes me to church) because he loves that place and I don’t want him rethinking going to that church. Sometimes it feels like i’m forced to go, if I ask to stay home one day, suddenly i’m guilt tripped into going and if I don’t it’s a massive problem.
(I know I said I wasn’t gonna get into it but I feel like this is important)
One of my old (ex) friends in there goes to the same school as my ex so naturally they became close. So when the time came she cheated, I lashed out on her, I went to my socials with everyone she knows added on it telling them what she did, and instead of talking to me herself, she sent him to talk to me. I lashed out on him for taking her side because God only knows what she said to defend herself. I cursed him out, called him fake, tried getting him to turn on her and understand what really happened and what’s really going on, but none of it worked. Half of my ruined reputation is my fault, yes.
How does all this tie in? Honestly I wrote so much I lost track. I feel like I didn’t have any help, I felt as if I was alone through all of it, I almost failed the school year. I’ve heard it all, “God works in mysterious ways,” but I feel like when I pray I’m talking to myself and it never goes anywhere. Maybe the miracle was getting through it, but what about all my unanswered questions on how to be a better christian? I’m sorry if this is too much or doesn’t make any sense, but I’m lost and feel I’m fading faster and faster each week gone by.