My boyfriend admitted he developed feelings for my family friend while we were still together. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if my trust is permanently broken.
My boyfriend (we’re both 23) and I were together for almost 7 years. We broke up for a few months and recently got back together. Things honestly had been going really well. We were communicating better, affectionate again, talking about the future, and I genuinely felt hopeful.
Then everything changed.
I found out (by going through his phone, which I know was wrong) that during the end of our relationship and around our breakup, he had developed feelings for one of my family friends.
This isn’t just some random girl. She’s someone I have to see at family gatherings.
After confronting him, he admitted he did have feelings for her.
He told me our relationship at the time was “hanging on by a thread.” He said we had basically become friends, I stopped showing affection, stopped kissing him, stopped making him feel wanted, and he naturally developed feelings because she was kind, listened to him, and they clicked. Honestly, some of what he said is true. Toward the end of our relationship I had emotionally shut down because I was resentful and thinking about breaking up myself.
He says the feelings weren’t something he chose. He said they just happened naturally because of where he was emotionally. He also said he didn’t want them to happen.
Eventually he confessed his feelings to her. She had a boyfriend and rejected him.
His explanation is that he confessed because he wanted to get the feelings off his chest so he could move on and continue being friends with her. He says he wasn’t trying to pursue a relationship with her and still hoped maybe someday he and I would work things out.
He also keeps telling me:
He loves me.
He’s deeply sorry this happened.
Maybe he shouldn’t have confessed.
He never wanted to hurt me.
He didn’t tell me after we got back together because he thought it was over, nothing ever happened between them, and he didn’t think bringing it up would accomplish anything except hurt what we had rebuilt.
The problem is… I also found journal entries.
One of them talked about how happy he felt seeing little things she did, like covering her laugh.
He says the feelings started while we were still together because our relationship was already falling apart. He says he thought they would go away and never intended to pursue them.
Part of me understands that people don’t necessarily choose their feelings.
Another part of me can’t stop thinking:
“If you were capable of developing feelings for someone else while we were together, how am I ever supposed to feel safe again?”
He also says he wants to stay friends with her because nothing ever happened and she’s still his friend. That part is especially difficult because she’s my family friend, and I’ll still have to see her.
I don’t know if I’m looking at this too emotionally because it’s all so fresh, or if this is a relationship-ending breach of trust.
For people who’ve been through something similar:
Have you ever successfully rebuilt trust after finding out your partner developed feelings for someone else during a rough period of the relationship?
Is it realistic to heal from something like this?
Or am I trying to convince myself to stay because I still love him?