u/Femcel2

I finally had enough. Last night I got angry again, I can’t even have him touching me anymore. He told me the pStars he used to watch and they look nothing like me. I can’t get it out of my head. I feel ugly, used and unloved.

He started crying telling me how much anxiety it gives him when I ignore him and how stressed it makes him. So I told him this is how I knew the relationship would go if we continued, that It would be very hot and cold, it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship because we can communicate all we want about it, but their is no actual change. So I had always tried to break things off but was met with crying, hitting things, running away, and even once threatening to end himself.

But last night I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and if he genuinely loves me like he swears he does he will let me break up with him. He cried and said he loves me so much, he regrets everything he’s done to me and he hasn’t watched porn since I became pregnant. I asked him if I never became pregnant would he still be watching porn and he said yes. That’s when I knew that this isn’t love I want. I feel selfish though, that he actually changed but it feels worthless to me because it wasn’t for me. I am EXTREMELY happy he decided to go to therapy and change for our child, don’t get me wrong. But it hurts so bad knowing if that didn’t happen he would still betray me behind my back. I question why I wasn’t good enough for him to change in the first place. I sacrificed my body and everything for him, I had many complications during pregnancy and I feel so used. He got what he wanted, he got to use porn, he got to use me, he got a baby. My body is ruined, I’ll never look the same again, my brain chemistry is changed, I feel so ugly especially after knowing who he watches. I just don’t know why I wasn’t good enough?

But I’m finally free. He was taking away my enjoyment of motherhood. One good things he gave me was my daughter. And for that I’m grateful, and would go through all this a million times over just for her.

Does anybody else constantly go back and forth of wanting to forgive them and then just being so angry and having no hope of the relationship working again? I feel like it makes me a toxic partner because when I remember what happened I become mean and angry and don’t think before I say things. Then when things are good, we’re really happy, and I think about what happened I feel like I don’t care anymore and that I can forgive him.

He went to therapy without me asking, he read every article I sent him about PA and told me how he felt about them and what he thought. He listens to me, lets me vent to him and actually engages with the conversation rather then just yes or no. He constantly asks me how I am doing and if everything is ok. Our sex life has improved drastically, he’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, he has started inviting me on dates again. He says he will rejoin therapy once he gets insurance again, because he says he wants to and it’s needed and has helped him a lot understand what the PA stems from and how to go about not using it as an outlet. He says he hasn’t watched porn since finding out I was pregnant so about a year now. (in which I found it on his phone, he never confessed) yet I still am so unsatisfied.

I wonder if I will ever just be fully happy in the relationship again. He is doing a lot to gain my trust again, and I thought that’s what I needed to heal and trust him again and I know it takes time but it’s been a year and everytime I get angry about it, it feels like the first time I found out. I’m wondering if him doing all this work is worth it in the end? The pain and all the damage has been done, I will always remember the betrayal. So in the end do I really need him to be better? Or am I ungrateful that a person is willing to do all this for us to be happy?