u/FennelDull6559

It’s Canadian thanksgiving and I am greatful for the good times and great people in my life. It’s easier to focus on the negatives but it’s more important to remember the positives. They matter. We matter.

Anywho, hope you’re doing well and have a positive thing in your life worthy of your attention. I’m sure there’s something, no matter how small it might seem it’s a big deal.

If a small bad thing can be a big deal, the good things deserve that same energy.

Keep on rocking in the free world, and doot doola doot doo… 😁

Alright I gave it a try but shit is harder than before. I used to live in quiet misery instead if displaying it for the world. I check the mirror, more and more often and it seems even more disappointing every time I look. I understand looks aren’t everything but the way I get treated is now going through a different mental lens

At work I’m always thinking are they treating me differently? What do they mean by sending an email directly, to only me, that says ‘Crew Member’ instead of a name? It was about parking and they clearly knew who I was, it’s not a generic email.

It’s too exhausting and stressful on top of everything else. Like fuck this. Thinking about going back into the closet and hiding. Im sorry that I’m not strong enough to endure.

I used to have hope but having tried to live that dream, I realize that is all it ever was. It was all a dream…

Hello again!! My testosterone is so high they checked for cancer down there with an ultrasound. All clear! Now they’re going to do an MRI to check on my brain.

Apparently my body would likely outperform any blockers and if I do have something going wrong in the pituitary gland it could cause vision issues so this whole process saved me from that, never would have known otherwise.

Life’s a journey not a destination I get it.

I’m just so sick of being Jacked and desperate to be Jill. 😝🥂

I went to a Kesha concert so that’s why I’m glittery!! But I flew out to Alberta, Canada’s version of a red state. My first trip out as a woman. It was affirming in all the weird ways.

I was assumed to be a drag queen, I told them no I’m trans and they were like no you’re not, like you can’t say that but I get it cause I’m not on hormones so like 🤷‍♀️

The concert got rained out before Kesha and I was like stuck in a massive storm in barely any clothes but I survived. 😝

The next day I walked a bit, went to a breakfast place and on the way I crossed a street and an approaching car honked like a fast little beep. 😳 ignored it.

He did it again… and then drive by me and did it again. Did… he just think I was a hooker?

So I got breakfast and then went to catch a bus. The horn thing happened two more times. 😕

Then I was crossing through a parking lot cause of a closed sidewalk and some guy rolled up and started like “hey baby how you doing where you going you look good” honestly it was surreal. Like WTF 😬 part of me is flattered but like ew. If I was a hooker I’d aim at higher clientele 😂

Anyways he left and I never felt in danger or anything so whatever.

So the airport thing was so easy. The security used ma’am, they didn’t make it weird. Makeup, wig all the rings and no problems. Even the people that check ID that have you remove hats and glasses and stuff didn’t deadname me or give me grief. Like I felt so normal it was just awesome.

Overall I travelled into the “darker” parts of canada this past week, Alberta and Manitoba’s Bible Belt and both were very friendly to me and my experiences were great.

I know it’s not always easy but sometimes this world isn’t as bad as they want us to believe.

Love you all,
💗 stay safe safe stay amazing

I still love her even if she doesn’t want to see me 😋

Had an amazing week! Crushing on total babe at work, and I went clubbing last week and had a much better time. Next week I’m working in a bit of a Bible Belt area so I’m gonna do my best to stay safe and next Saturday I’m going to see Kesha/Slayyyter.

I’m soo excited!! 💕 💋🥂

Ok so I work in film. I’m just crew but this week I found myself taking with a gorgeous man who may have been the love interest in a super popular millennial defining movie…

He was just being nice, asked me my name, introduced himself and shook my hand. But I definitely felt a feeling I’ve never felt before. I don’t think any experience will top that surreal moment where I was able to feel like girl in the rom com having a cute meet.

10/10 experience and I can’t even gush to anyone. I’ve met more famous people than him but that was maybe the first time someone met the real me? 🤯

You all were right, maybe I do need therapy 😝😂

Keep on Rocking in the Free World!
🌶️💋😶‍🌫️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇨🇦🎥❤️‍🔥🧠

Hello strangers. 39, very clearly pre HRT. I am continuing to struggle with my identity and familiar thoughts. I hate how I look and feel like a fake.

I only have a couple of friends irl and they are not part of the LGBTQ community but I don’t see them often so it’s almost non existent.

I don’t have a traditional job, with consistent coworkers either. People at work treat me fine but we don’t interact outside of work. Never have in 10+ years.

Maybe these are the cause of my problems and my self worth is tired into it I don’t know, but I don’t really feel the euphoria you’re all gushing about.

I’m just thinking, maybe I’m just not.

No, I can’t afford therapy if that’s your advice. It’s not covered by healthcare unless it’s serious enough to get doctor referral which mine isn’t. I’m not in danger just bummed out.

I don’t know what I expected from coming out but it hasn’t changed how I feel about myself. I guess I’m just wondering if there’s others out there who still haven’t found what they’re looking for…

🥂💕 Thanks for being you, nobody does it better.

I am Canadian and dramatic but seriously. During my bloodwork, they found my testosterone (44.6 nmol/L) is higher than my heels and sent me for an urgent ultrasound. I get to find out the results of that ultrasound on July 4th.

Perhaps its fate that the day is the 4th of July, and I will once again be fighting for freedom, From tyranny, oppression, persecution -- and from annihilation.

We're fighting for our right to live, to exist.
And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

"We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on!
We're going to survive!"

I wasn’t so much insulted as confused. Are they affirming me but still think being a lesbian is an insult? Or did they just think I’m a cisgender lesbian?

They were just hanging out the window of the school as I picked up my kid. A girl yelled it.

Like I had a black raincoat on and I look like a blonde Dr. Frank N. Furter 😝🤷‍♀️ I don’t get it

I expected much different language and insults

The 1990s was different.

So this year was my first pride and it wasn’t great if I’m being honest. Felt alienated and lonely at the events I attended, even got a “hey look at that cakey makeup” from some random lady and her friends which was enough for me that night. Figured there’d be more empathy for obvious new people instead of harsh standards that I didn’t meet.

Worse than this my feelings were being vented to my ex of 17 years who couldn’t love me as I transition. She was very defensive and mentioned being bisexual and feeling like I’m insulting her, personally. Well cool. You’re into women now but just not me? Ouch.

I guess it’s better to know than holding out hope for us. I’m on my own. Officially solo for now and forever. Guess I better learn to knit or something.

My wig is fried despite my attempts to save her. The warm weather has finally arrived for its brief visit in my area so I’m trying to go without and I hate it. I know I’m lucky to have hair, even though it’s fried woolly hair, but it doesn’t make me feel as confident or euphoric as that cheap wig.

I suppose I try this and see if I get used to it but my hair was my best quality😝😢

Anyways 🥂 thanks for the memories, that’ll do wig, that’ll do. 💋

I’m still here!!! Sun finally came out and I was out in short shorts and a cami to the park and some older gentleman definitely rubbernecked as he slowly drove by. Two thoughts I had: I look really bad or he’s secretly a freak 😝

Anyways I’m outside trying to figure out how I’m going to manage sunlight and sweating while hiding my face under makeup. Watch I’ll finally get a date and wind up looking like joker at the table “I’m melting!!”

Whatever. Why worry about things that aren’t happening?

More immediately, I need to find a place to live before the landlord sells this place 😬 and I just noticed some thigh hair as I’m lounging around here in the backyard. Bad to worse 😂

No job, no friends, no romance, no tits. Just my beard shadow and bulge to keep me company. For now. I got this!

Keep fit and have fun!!!

Dear Diary… another week of being me and smashing the patriarchy.

Saturday I was canceled on again for my laser treatment… so I’m not going back there. I’ll wait to see my doctor at the end of the month and ask for a referral since laser is covered by our healthcare just takes forever to get in, but maybe they won’t cancel.

So with this bumpy and wrinkled like a lunch bag face I went to a social. Which is essentially a party in a community hall, similar to a wedding reception with a DJ and drinks to purchase. Anyway it was a small but fun, LGBTQ event. Got to meet a few people and dance so that was absolutely fantastic!!

I was supposed to go see a work friend’s band tonight but I don’t know if I’ll make it, depending on my kids and bedtime and the babysitter.

Other than that I have not made noticeable progress but I’m working on voice consistency and how I carry myself. I still don’t love mirrors but occasionally I’ll see someone in them and feel hope.

Just gotta keep running up that hill!

Oh and I’m going to see Kesha and Slayyyter this summer unless they join the concert cancellation tournament 😬😝 positive thoughts and vibes!!

So that’s it for me, still gotta make some friends and find a job but whatever.

From the field of weeds, the heroes rescued the flower. 'Cause they possessed Turtle Power. ✌️😆

Keep fit and have fun
💕🏳️‍⚧️

Not so sweet D, here again as an update. My 2nd facial laser canceled and same day I missed my bloodwork. The lab was full of people lining out the door and I’m not Dee enough to push people out of the way. Maybe in a few more months 🤔

So I’m back to another month of waiting to get in a lab, and waiting to see the doctor for HRT. Meanwhile I’m practicing my makeup I hate my pores and beard shadow. Despite my skin and makeup I still plan on going out to some local events, solo.

I have no friends and that’s probably why I’m posting this. Maybe theres other people who feel the same way but haven’t decided on what to do. I’m proud to be the toe in the water, for such people 🤷‍♀️

I’m 39, friendless, blew up my nuclear family and am actually not even employed anymore, I work in art, not as dramatic as you think.

Despite these perceived loses I’m finally understanding myself and looking forward to the challenges of tomorrow instead of being crushed by them.

Keep fit and have fun ✌️