Idk how to even deal w this
I don’t ever post on Reddit, but I have no idea how to deal with this though so here I am. I (17ftm) am a gay man, recently me and my friend (17m) have grown extremely close. I realized I was in love with him while in a relationship with another man, and after me and him confessed to each other under a tree we were lying beneath, I knew I had to end my relationship sooner than expected. While that went well, and I had already mourned that relationship because I realized I had fallen out of love with him a couple weeks prior to school ending, I made the mistake of falling in love too quickly(it’s also important to note that the friend I fell in love with had somewhat recently broken up with his partner). We made a deal to figure out our feelings, and in that time we said we wouldn’t get attached. Unfortunately when you hang out with someone constantly, you tend to get attached. Last night he texted me he couldn’t love me, but then after he told me to ignore what he had said because it was his brain acting up or something. So I didn’t read into it too much, later we got on call and fell asleep to each others breathing. Today I woke up and we went to the park to hangout, while I was driving almost every time I came to a stop he would kiss me and tell me I was perfect. We were there for 7 or so hours just existing together, we watched the boys, he showed me his little weapon thing he made with the name I can’t remember, we kissed, we explored, he even mentioned a house together and while I brushed it off with laughter, I was able to see him in every corner of my future. Senior year we could have dressed up for Halloween as Jotaro and kakyoin from jjba, a shared like, I thought maybe we would go to prom, him in purple me in green for our favorite colors because they compliment each other so well, he talked about taking me as his date to a Quince, he knows I like to party. I just don’t understand how he could text me a couple hours after all that and say that he’s never going to be able to love me. He’s not a bad person, he’s wonderful in fact. Incredibly kind and caring, loves nature, intelligent, beautiful, he makes me more confident in my body than anyone has before, he’s everything anyone could want and yet after all these years of subtle and silent feelings he says he can never truly love me. So now after ending my initial relationship (which I was going to anyway he just sped up the process) I also have a broken heart from a boy who, while our time was short, was the most enchanting person I had ever had the pleasure of being with. I’m mad at myself for running headfirst as I tend to do into this rather than taking time to understand our situation, he even told me in the beginning that it was possible for him to not fall in love with me, and still, like the stubborn and arrogant man I am, ignored that warning and created this fantasy where we love each other for years and years to come. He made my brain quiet and vice versa, we both think too much, I just wish he could love me and quiet all these racing thoughts I have.