My living nightmare (NSFW)
Hello everyone. Please note that this post is NSFW
I'm a 30yo female and I'm struggling to cope with my past.
When I was 4yo I was given by my mother to my great grandfather, he would SA me I immediately started to act out so my mum gave him my little sister who was 3yo (I'll call Sally, fake name). I was forced to watch her get SA'd by him and told that it was as because I didn't listen and do as I was told. We were in his possession for close to a year and no one in my family came to help us even though most of them knew where we were.
When we were finally given back to my mother my sister told her what happened to her and my mum smacked me and told me that i should've done more to protect her and sent me to my room.
Just after I turned 7yo my mother started to bring men home and they would ask who wanted to play mum and dad and every time I knew what they meant by this. It was like a codeword, a way to ask who was willing and every time I would go to the bathroom because the door locked (not wanting my siblings to see) and they would follow. They would do whatever they wanted to me and some would visit multiple times.
My siblings didn't know what i was doing and in my mind I was doing the right thing to keep them safe. Eventually my mum started bringing a man (I'll name Gary fake name) He would use me but then he started looking at my sisters (I have 2 sisters) and calling them names until my mum would step in and tell Gary to leave them alone. I babysat my siblings and looked after the house in general. Eventually when I was 12yo I asked my mothers mum to help me and she said that she would and said she would help my siblings also so i left my mothers house to live with my nan. Unfortunately she never helped my younger siblings. They didn't get SA'd after i left but our mother had other ways of still treating them horribly.
People say they grow up but I was dragged up.
Fast forward to now and I can't get my past out of my head. My siblings still hate that i abandoned them and alot of my family think of me as a slut. I have a daughter who is 13yo now but doesn't live with me and honestly I feel like that is for the best. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and DID.
I can't stop hearing my sisters screams for help during our time with our great grandfather and I can't stop blaming myself even though I know it wasn't my fault it still feels like it was my fault she got hurt.
Most recently my DID played up and I don't know how or why but it stabbed me in the chest and I don't really remember much about it. I remember that I was laying on the ground and then I found myself in hospital and I vaguely remember being in a plane or helicopter. It is like I wasn't here for 2023 and I didn't properly return to reality until march of 2024.
I hate the blood that runs through my veins and I hate waking up everyday. I don't really want to be here and I don't think the rest of me doesn't want to be here either.
I am on medication but I just don't want to be here any more. I've been told that im so strong for surviving what I lived through but honestly all I did was not kill myself. The things that were done to me body resulted in a very difficult pregnancy and I found out I can't have any more kids due to what was done to me. My body was broken and I don't have much left of my mind I feel like every year its getting more and more consumed by everything that happened.
I want to live but I don't want to live this way anymore.
I've spoken to professionals and I have used every avenue to get help but I think something is just wrong with me like the screaming in my head will never stop and i don't want to live with this anymore.
I don't want to wake up every day to the screaming and I don't want to wake up in the mornings especially when I have a good dream. When im awake im living my own personal hell every second of everyday. I wish I could forget everything and I wish I could just be happy like other people. I seem happy to a lot of people all the time but inside im breaking down year after year, more and more. even when I am genuinely happy. Its like the good moments don't add up to take from the years of hell in lived through. I feel alone and sad that this is my and I have to live it but I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just want to be normal. I want to be free from it all.
I feel stuck.