How did you stop believing that you were fundamentally unlovable?
I'm 26 (almost 27) and honestly I'm exhausted.
I've struggled with these feelings for as long as I can remember, but I became consciously aware of them around age 14. People often tell me to love myself first, heal first, become emotionally stable first, and then good things will come into my life. The problem is that I've been trying for years and I still feel deeply lonely.
What hurts most is that I don't really feel emotionally safe anywhere.
At home, I constantly hear things like:
"You don't need us anymore."
"You're selfish."
"We could just die and you wouldn't care."
Even simple things, like eating somewhere else or wanting some space, often turn into guilt trips. Because of that, I spend as much time as possible away from home. I sit in cafés for hours because being there feels more peaceful than being at home.
I've tried reaching out to people. Sometimes they tell me to get help elsewhere, sometimes they don't seem interested, and it leaves me feeling even more alone. I don't really feel comfortable showing people how bad things are because I'm afraid they'll judge me or use it against me.
I don't want to die tonight, but I often find myself wishing I had never existed in the first place. Not because I truly want death, but because I'm so tired of carrying all of this.
The biggest fear I have is that I'll never find people who genuinely love me, see me, and accept me. I know people say you should be happy alone, but I honestly don't think that's what I want. What I want is connection. I want people around me who care about me and who make me feel like I matter.
Has anyone else felt this way for years and actually managed to build a better life? How did you stop believing that you were fundamentally unlovable?