Really confused
I don't know if I'm in the right place or not and I'm not a big redditor so apologies in advance if I've done something wrong
I dated a guy I met on the Internet when I was younger and a lot of stuff happened that I don't understand what to make of. We met in a discord server (I'm an idiot I know) and we got together within like a week. I was 14 he was around 15/16 at the time, he lived in America and I'm in Europe so we were long distance
First conversation we had about sex we were both looking at eachothers prns pages to get more info (again I understand I'm an idiot) and he saw I was asexual, so he asks about it. I say I'm not interested in any kind of sexual act, and he explains that he's hypersexual and doesn't think he can be in a relationship without sex, I said that I didn't think I was comfortable with that whatsoever and he said “It's okay, I'll wait.” Which in hindsight is kinda a bad response but idk it felt like he was really respecting my boundaries at the time.
He tried to start shit a couple times after that but as soon as I said no he'd back off right away. After like a week I felt bad for some stupid reason, and I decided to try to go along with it just once just to see what it was like. I didn't enjoy it much and felt kinda icky about the whole thing, but it made him happy so I just kinda kept doing it. After a while I got so caught up in this lie that I was okay with it that I just let him do whatever.
Since we were long distance it's not like we ACTUALLY did anything—it was really just phone sex and dirty Snapchat messages. He sent me pictures a lot but I drew the line at sending them back and he respected that and wouldn't complain. He'd ask a lot and I'd say “sorry I'm not comfortable with that” and all would be okay. Though after a while I sent some and I don't know why because I never wanted to and I hate myself so much for it.
It's not like I HATED it. I liked knowing he was happy and it was nice to feel loved—I had some really shitty friends at the time and someone treating me like a human being was really nice. Aside from this whole thing our relationship was really codependent on both sides and we love bombed each other to all hell. I really do think I loved him even if it was just stupid online dating
There were times when it felt a bit off. Like when I was at my friend's house and he tried to talk me into doing smth secretly and I was just not having it (he also tried to set that same friend up with his sister which I never found that big a deal but he complains about it a lot). He texted me once out of the blue asking if I was into pet play and I said no but he still called me shit like “good dog” on a regular basis which felt weird. Then there was when he had a phase for a few days where he'd use jokes about abusing me as foreplay but I went along with it so it's not like it was against my will.
A lot of it all comes down to the fact he would've absolutely stopped if I asked him to but I just never did. I lied CONSTANTLY about being okay with it and even initiated stuff sometimes. We dated on and off for around 2 years and I eventually cut things off because of the codependency (and because my friend lectured me for getting back with him when I said I wouldn't) but really it was just that I didn't want to deal with it all anymore. If I told him the truth he'd feel awful for hurting me like that for so long so there was really no way out
I'm not even sure if I even am asexual, I kinda flipped back and forth between hating everything and “maybe I'm a little into this” and it really fucked with my head. I feel guilty for lying and I feel disgusting for all the stuff I said and did. I've talked my friends to death about every aspect of our relationship but I always leave this part out—I lie to them too, they all hate him but they don't know the whole story so it all just feels wrong. It's been a long while but I get days where it's all I can think about, I don't know what to think and I don't know how I should feel about it
This whole thing is really rambly but all the details are really fuzzy now and I don't like talking about it. I guess I just need a second opinion