u/Few-Power-6973

hello, i am 16/f and i have been diagnosed with OCD two years ago.

when i got my first intensive thoughts, they were horrible images of my younger brothers, this led me to have panic attacks and eventually get hospitalized. now, i knew these were intensive thoughts because these came out of nowhere and frightened me. this all spun into me worrying that i am a pedo. but eventually, one day i just accepted the facts that these thoughts and sensations were unwanted and not apart of me.

eventually i got off of meds, and my ocd is killing me again, but this time, i can’t genuinely tell if this is ocd.

around the ages of 12-14 i was on the ddlg/age play side of twitter and has fucked up fantasies of someone taking advantage of me as a child (this is probably because of what happened to me in my childhood), but i eventually just stayed away from the side and became a better person.

remembering this made me spiral, attempt sewerlajde and get hospitalized. but ever since i’ve been out, i’ve been afraid of going out because i don’t want to see little children, specifically little girls — because i used to fantasize about me being a little girl and being harmed, so everytime i saw them, i got scared and checked if i was attracted.

now, everytime i see a little girl, i go “awwwee cute!” but then i feel like i feel an ‘attraction’ and it scares the hell out of me. i feel like my brain goes on meltdown everytime i see a child in public or online.

is this attraction false attraction or actual attraction?? i’ve never actually been attracted to children :(( someone please help!

hello, this is my first time posting on reddit, i am 16 f.

i have deep regrets. all my childhood i was exposed to sexual things by family members at 5-10 years old. i thought it was okay for family members to have crushes on eachother etc. this eventually stopped when i realized that this wasn’t okay. but still, this ruined my mind. i had a porn addiction and by the ages of 12-14 years old i ended up on the taboo sides of twitter, like things with ddlg and age play. i constantly fantasized about having a father-figure hurting me (sexually) while i was a child. i would imagine myself as a vulnerable child, and that’s the thing i regret the most. eventually, around the age of 14, i distanced myself away from these things and eventually stopped fantasizing about it. but also at 14 years old, i began having sexual intrusive thoughts about my brothers, and i knew these were intrusive thoughts because these thoughts horrified me. i remember crying my eyes out because the strong groinal responses i had. eventually, i was diagnosed with OCD (pocd, hocd etc.) this was the lowest time at my life, because i had gotten into my first relationship with a boy i really liked. eventually, these intrusive thoughts died down when i just accepted the fact that these were unwanted thoughts, i moved on with my life, knowing i wasn’t a ped and a monster.

but suddenly, everything came rushing back, the taboo fantasies i had back then when i was a child came back to haunt me. i was horrified. i remembered all the wrongdoings i did and all the stuff i fed myself, i felt so disgusted with myself i attempted suicide, but ended up vomiting all the pills i attempted to consume. i was convinced that because of these fantasies i was a pedo. but, thinking back, i was never attracted to children, and it was never the other way around with my fantasies. but the fact that i imagine myself as a vulnerable child scares me. i regret fetishizing father-daughter things back then because i lacked a father figure myself. father-daughter relationships were always a soft spot in my heart. there was one time (the same summer when i first got intrusive thoughts and got diagnosed) where i was elsa in a frozen musical, and i got to meet little kids. these kids (especially little girls) thought i was actually elsa and it warmed my heart so much, i knew this is the place i wanted to be. i’ve always wanted a daughter so badly. i wanted a little mini me, i always thought about the cutest hairstyles and outfits for her. i also had this weird attraction to DILFS, i just always had a thing with older men.

but now, i think OCD is latching onto these things, because everytime i see a little girl i get so fucking scared. i am always so cautious like “am i attracted or not?” all the time, so when i do see a little girl, i physically jump and get so nervous. i’m afraid of finding them cute means im attracted to them. i’m so scared and want to start my life over. there was one point in my life where i imagined being a little girl being taken advantage of, so when i see children, i am always reminded of it, it disgusts me. all i want to do is protect children, i would kill for them. i’ve never had an urge to hurt a child, ever.

advice is needed, if u read this all ty <33