Can't figure out if im trans or not (ftm)
Hi everyone! The last couple of years I've been struggling with dismorphia and/or body image, specifically about being a woman. Thinking about my body (curves, breasts, etc.) has gotten me worked up pretty often. I don't really know how to describe it, I just feel kinda empty and depressed when I think about it.
I spoke to my therapist about this, first of all she just kinda said "yeah, I already suspected that you would say this to me eventually." She then went on and explained that she thought that due to the fact that I was never quite 'feminine', as in I always wear quite baggy and dark clothes, have always had short hair and due to my (non-existent) relationship with my father. To say the least she was not surprised at all😅 we just spoke about how I should take it slow, as in wearing a binder (which I have), cutting my hair, working out to get a more 'masc' frame.
I've started wearing my binder again, which I have worn before but got spooked after my mom asked where my boobs went. I've also ordered some weights to get into working out at home, I refuse to go to the gym! My hair is already quite short but I might look into shorter hairstyles.
Now my main problem is that I feel like I come across as very 'i just want to look like a man.' and it's started to set some doubt in me that this is just a phase or that it's not actually me wanting to be a man. Just to clarify, I do want to be looked at like a man, considered one, be like one. I often admire men and think to myself 'if only I could be like that'.
But again I still feel like that's all very 'i just want to be masculine' and not actually 'i want to transition'. And even though I have been having doubts, I still watch videos and look into how taking hormones work and what symptoms and changes testosterone specifically causes. And I'm very scared, considering that most changes are permanent, and that I'll reconsider if I were to actually start testosterone.
I tried to keep it short and get all the important infos in, however if y'all still have questions ask away! Also I hope that it didn't come off as insensitive.
Thank you for reading and have a great day!