u/Few-Purpose243

This week has been my worst in a really long time. There’s been more than one D-Day and it’s been exactly 10 weeks since the last one, when I decided we would never speak again.

I was doing okay. Up and down but knew it was over for real this time. I did a lot of socializing, gym, furthering my career, etc.

But this past week I’ve been crying around the clock and desperately missing the version of him I used to see. I know ten weeks is still fresh but I’ve been dealing with this issue for about 2.5 years since D-Day 1, we were together on and off over the course of 5 (lived together, were planning timeline/rings for engagement).

It’s just so unfair. I lost my best friend (him) and had to move back to my hometown. He’s out living a brand new life with brand new people in a brand new city, moving forward in a new career. I’m stuck and alone and sick to my stomach. A concerned family friend looked at me and said I’m wasting away. I can’t sleep through the night, I can’t eat, and I can’t have a good day, regardless of how much working out, meditation, socializing, medication, whatever I do.

I’ve been through this before and while the raw emotions were worse the first time, it at least had the benefit of being a sick novelty. Now I’m just exhausted and disappointed in myself and devastated. Please, I really need someone to talk to. I don’t know what to do. I feel so hopeless. (I’m not going to do anything drastic, but oh my god I can’t handle every single day being so insanely shitty.)

Sometimes I wish we’d never been together as a couple, but rather had just been friends. We had a lot of sort of niche things and life experiences in common, to the extent I’ve never found in anyone else.

I know rationally that his actions wouldn’t even be behavior I’d tolerate in a friend, and historically he hasn’t been good at maintaining long term friendships either.

But man I just miss him a lot today. It’s been exactly six weeks since I told him I can never see him again and I’m just sad. I’ve always had a hard time truly connecting with people and with him it was just easy. We could talk for hours and not get tired of each other.

All of that history and everything we went through together just has to be something I carry alone now. It sucks.