This feels like a punishment
I unintentionally broke up with my boyfriend this weekend. I’ve been working 60-84 hour work weeks and have been extremely tired, easily irritable, and stressed about saving for a car (I currently commute via train which is NOT ideal). He always reassured me that it is okay and we will work through my crazy work schedule. I didn’t see him in two weeks, not by choice but due to my work schedule. When I finally got to see him it was directly after a 12 hour shift + 1 hour commute to come see him on my only day off, he started picking fights with me. We fought three times. The last fight was because he said “You don’t care about me” and that triggered a big upset with me. I was already tired, upset, and overwhelmed I just saw red. All I could think about in that moment was how does he think I don’t care when I came all the way here after working 84 hours that week just to spend time with him. Usually I am good at communicating when I need space to recuperate (even when I do, he shuts me down and still tries to talk it out when both of our emotions are heightened) but that night was the first time I had worked 84 hours in 7 days and I was absolutely not thinking straight. It was a lapse of character on my end but I grabbed all of my belongings and left. My intention wasn’t to breakup but the impact of my actions did and I take full accountability. Two days later I get a text from him that said, “Hi [blank], I am sorry things ended on an emotional note like that. But I am glad we are now both free to find someone who will fit us better. I wish you the best, I still believe you are a good person and I wish you the best of luck. Stay safe and happy. 😇 Goodbye.” I met with him the next day. He is very stubborn, egotistical, and has a lot of pride which I found myself mirroring throughout the relationship but that day I swallowed it all because none of that mattered anymore to me. This was our first huge blowup. I apologized, asked for forgiveness, and explained that it wasn’t my intention to break up but I see that my actions communicated otherwise and that I wanted to work through our differences (ex: communication styles: I need space to think and calm down whereas he wants to solve right then in the moment). He said he forgives me and told me that that night made him not love me anymore and that he didn’t know I was “capable of doing that” (like I cheated or something). That hit me like a truck because how does love leave someone that easily? I tried to explain to him that relationships aren’t always 100% happy. Your partner will disappoint, frustrate, and upset you at times but it’s the willingness to forgive and work through it is what makes a relationship stronger (with the exception of extreme things like cheating; also keep in mind he has never had a gf for over a year & he’s 26 which is now starting to make sense why). He made it clear though that he did not want to work it out with me. He had never communicated any of the other parts of the conversation with me throughout the relationship. It makes me think that he never truly loved me. I did so much: making time for him around my terrible work schedule, attempting to learn his native tongue (he’s Eastern European), going to church with him & trying to find a relationship with god, cooking, cleaning, always showing up, etc etc. He also had asked me a few times to come to his country during winter and I was saving some PTO days for that. This whole ordeal feels like a punishment! I had a lapse of character and I’m paying for it. I genuinely feel so nauseous and sick to my stomach. I haven’t been able to eat at all. Sometimes I find myself blaming work. When I was at my previous job (7a-3p) we were doing great. I could see him whenever I wanted and had my weekends always free but with my new job I work 12 hour shifts and rotating schedules. Now I’m angry at work and life. I’ve never been such an angry and irritable individual before but I do see how my job is changing me for the worse. I don’t want to have to start all over again. I don’t want to have to open up and be vulnerable all over again. It already sucks that I am introverted and hate going out & meeting new people.
Some things he said/did in the relationship that I was trying to work past but never gave up:
“Are you ever just happy? Zero problems?” IN the most sarcastic tone. After taking me off his lap and I almost fell.
“See that is nice” (after saying I wasn’t being nice)
“Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re communicating.” (after I was explaining how he made me felt and what I needed in that moment to feel safe)
When I asked to stay over because I couldn’t get off my stop due to the ridiculous amount of people on the train, he made me feel like I was inconveniencing him instead of him being open and supportive.
I am the only one having to take time to travel and pay to get to his & hang out, he doesn’t really offer to pay.
Told him I was upset because I felt like I was being ganged up on by friends + very stressed/emotional bcos of night shift & shut down the convo real quick & saying what they did wasn’t a big deal (minimizing how I felt)
“Thanks for nothing.”“You’re never helpful.” (after trying to help)
“You don’t care about my research” (after me asking sm times for him to show and explain it)
Said “Why are you so mad. I’m so calm right now.” after raising his voice and saying really rude, hurtful shit
“You don’t care about me.”
“What girlfriend?”(a “joke”)
“What boobs?” (I have small boobs and he said that this was a joke)
Very weird about me seeing his phone
Didn’t want to share locations (said I have trust issues when all I asked was to share it and nothing else; I do this with all of my friends)
Didn’t like that I expressed I don’t like it when he is friendly with girls he dated/fucked/talked to (said I was insecure)