Near miss? Finally learned to trust the gut?
Short context:42m with exPWBPD (36f) for 15 yrs (married 9 2 kids). Diagnosed BPD after a double life unravelled and the lies became impossible to hide. Turmoil, threats of violence, lies, gaslighting, dramatic running away threatening to end it all, promises to change, "therapy" (weaponised of course), rewriting history, smear campaign, the works. Divorced over 4 years now. Life is peaceful, the kids are doing well and thankfully, contact is minimal and relatively agreeable (kept to kid talk and urgent matters, nothing else).
Dipped a toe in the dating world last year. Got talking to a woman with a shared interest of lifting (lived about 7 hours away) and agreed to meet up in a middle ground town. She seemed lovely, very kind, conversation was good. She did seem to be a bit of an over sharer and there was a small prick of the spidey senses when talking about her family in a bit of an overcharging way, but i put that down to being hypervigilant after 15 years of chaos and mental torture (yay trauma).
Met up for a 2nd time and this time felt very off. She seemed way too intense, almost treating us as a couple, talk of being free to move up country, love bombing type behaviour with gifts and getting a bit too intense with questions about my kids and whether they'd accept her. Internally the alarm bells were ringing loud and that knot in the stomach feeling was ever present. After some time, I told her I'd had a great time, but our lives were in very different places, the distance would be an issue and I need to focus on my kids (lord knows they've had enough turmoil and upheaval). I couldn't be fair to her and give her what she needs. All true, and said face to face and in a calm, caring way. Her reaction shook me.
Her first reaction was simply "no, i won't have that". After a stunned silence, she stated she wasn't having that when it was so perfect. 2 dates!! Needless to say, at this point, I was literally on the verge of a panic attack. Anyway, after some gentle reiterating of the facts again, I left. She was crying like a 20 year marriage had ended.
I drove away and then had to pull over a few miles down the road to calm down. I have never felt that before. Shaking, breathing heavy, racing heart, vision tunnelling. Knocked me sideways for a day or two, even with no conscious thought of fear.
A couple of messages were received over the next few days pleading and trying to sell how perfect it was/could be, and asking for phone conversation to talk it out, but nothing too bad. Just a bit intense for 2 dates.
Heard nothing for over a year and then received a parcel. Name and town, but no address (thankfully). Small place so I guess the post dude I know knew it was for me. It was full of things I'd briefly said I liked in passing, snacks, drinks etc. That was just creepy. There was a letter too, with a long prose about always there for you, I understand etc. The one that got me though was I forgive you! Sorry, what? Then a WhatsApp and text demanding to know how I am and to call to talk out the "situation". Immediately blocked on every avenue, including social media.
Not sure if diagnosed or not, but damn glad I finally listened to my gut. That creeped me out big style and now I'm so glad I didn't let people pleasing lead me back to shitty situation and obligation.
No advice needed. Just felt like a big breakthrough after a lot of therapy and work post BPD loved one. There's light at the end people. It can be done