I believe I have autogynephillia, but I'm lost for what to do now (long post I'm so so sorry) also if you saw me post to the other sub my bad I didn't know where to post things kike this but I believe this place is better.
Alright so I was searching around on the internet for what I feel is something that I've been struggling with for a very VERY long time. Not to say suppression but I'll say wavering impact. But I'll start from the very beginning
Around the age of 13-14 about I gained an infatuation around transformation or tf tg comics/ stories and what not. That originated from an anime that I was obsessed with at the time. The anime was a romcom that had a guy swap back and forth between a guy and a girl and enjoyed the benefits and pitfalls to each. He was harassed for being a strong guy in a very complex tangle of arranged marriages but as a girl he was constantly pursued and took full advantage of the fact his girl form was hot.
Well lil ol impressionable me was not attracted to the guy but definitely attracted to the woman part. And then there was this episode where he completely lost his memory but stuck as a girl. Well that sexually fucked me the hell up. To make a long long synopsis short, it began my love for tf tg content from that moment onward. It went from oh that's cool to Oh I wishI had that ability, it would solve so many issues. To simply be the center of attention of all walks of life.
I was never the most attractive one in school, and most of my relationships last a long time with a time in-between that is me being single. But I never had any envy to any of the women I was dating, but it would be the envy of the sexual freedom they expressed or didn't want to. So I made myself an alter-ego if you will, went by a girl name, started groups to talk about other fetishes I was into and the attention was like a DRUG. (This was around the age 18 I believe). I was so convincing that one of my FRIENDS (Completely straight country man) found my profile and tried his best to get my attention. I found this out while staring over his shoulder and seeing MY PROFILE there. I quit for a little bit, then got a discord and started over. But it wasn't some regular girl, it's always a succubus esque. Thing
I lived this discord double life for about 9 years, being in a relationship on and off. I had a not sexually active gf , or when she wanted to be sexual, she was hammered. But it lasted for about 6 years and all throughout my twin half was binging in transformation bliss, the porn got hotter, the artists got more creative than a caption that said "you become girl" videos, everything that encouraged me not being "me" because I had horrendous self esteem at the time.
I started only playing girl characters in games, I love character customization ones for that reason. Even post relationship I had a FULL fanbase of living my fantasy in a multiplayer type game which of course had tons of shape inducing mods. Like my "girl" half is quite popular and convincing. I've ruined a MARRIAGE, I mean it's like the drug that keeps going.
But I always felt something was off. Hell they made a remake of that anime I loved so much, I still think it's a classic, it's very funny and my heart won't let me watch it. Like I can't. I get uncomfortable for some reason. And then I was single for 3-4 years. I hung out with nothing but girls, I had my guy friends but most of the time they were women. They reinforced what they hated about men and I took that to heart. So much so that I shrank away from being masculine entirely. I was trying everything and was just not successful with women. (And also I'm not a bad looking guy or horribly awkward, it's just the area I'm around prefer a sort of man that I'm not). (Not to the extent of wearing girls clothes or talking like a guy but more like I didn't have the desire to improve my masculinity) I don't talk about women like I desire them. I won't even admit if a girl is hot because I don't want to bother them. I was not having any sexual relationship for the better part of 4 years.
Well this was until I got into a relationship with my partner that LOVES being sexual. And suddenly I realized that all of this stuff had a deeper impact than I cared to admit. Like I didn't have anything I wanted to try with her. I didn't have any need to be sexual with her. My taste in real life.... are kinda vanilla, because I've never had the opportunity to explore. It was just a rough time for a year because my body just treated her as temporary. I couldn't even get aroused, because I was scared to show that kind of desire. And after 2 years we are in a healthy relationship... But now that I'm covering up loose ends I decided .... I probably need to fix this other half of myself. And that's kinda where I've ended up. It wasn't until I started truly diving into my feelings that I discovered this. Read the diagnosis and was like: HOLY SHIT THATS ME.
Like I have no interest in a gay relationship, I don't really aspire to wear women's clothes but if I could do away with my appearance in like 1 fell swoop, if you gave be a button that said you can become a massively attractive woman for a day or a week , a month, or even a year I'm pressing the fuck out of it. But I'd hesitate on it being permanent. I don't dream of femininity. But I am envious of the attention it brings. (And yes I know women go through shit, I'm aware, it's why I don't fully embrace masculinity, regardless of how right or wrong it is ). I have though done waaaaaay more roleplays that would make even the most sexual person blush, but I don't consider that "me" it's like a different side.
But I want to fix myself. I don't know what to do and while my partner is understanding I'd rather get this fixed then explain what's been going on than have her constantly worried. I think it's a mixture of trauma, self loathing, and confidence issues.
What do I do next?