u/Few_Revenue_9921

This will be a long post ig just to give everyone the whole story. I will try my best to explain the timeline, but feel free to ask questions if it's confusing.

We met in college around 7 years ago, both of us were 19. I kind of had a tiny crush on her, but at that time, she identified as a straight person, so I didn't think of it much. I ended up moving abroad within a few months of knowing her, and we lost touch. During covid we ended up connecting again online. We used to talk for hours on call (3-4 hours) and text daily, even just to ask how our sleep was or how our day went. I soon realized that I was developing a serious crush on her, but since she identified as straight, I was happy with my unrequited crush. Our interaction went on for years, and around 2 years into our friendship, she told me that she was exploring her sexuality. Even before she told me that we used to be flirty with one another, just some friendly bickering. So even after her basically coming out, we flirted without taking it seriously. I ended up visiting home after almost 4.5 years; we are talking about all the potential tension building up until then. When we met, we both felt instantly that the way we were behaving with each other was not friendly, naturally standing too close to each other and seeking touches. We ended up kissing during a sleepover. We were both very scared of acknowledging what it was at that time, scared of how it would change things and scared to even say "I like you". We kissed and said I like you but platonically (sigh). We just decided to keep hooking up as friends with benefits during my trip since I was just visiting and returning soon. As someone who has been single her whole life, having serious commitment issues and terrified of relationships, friends with benefits felt like the best solution to me at that time (I was naively confident that I could do this without involving emotions). I got to be close with her without complicating things. We had fun, but after coming back, it was not the same. I ended up trying to desperately date other people to show her that things between us were back to normal (I was trying to protect myself and not think about my feelings for her), and that I could move forward from what happened (I was still terrified to admit aloud that I like her romantically at this point). She told me she was trying her best too, and we decided that is for the best. The start of last year (almost 6 months after we hooked up), I ended up withdrawing from her because there was lot going on with me, and I usually isolate to process things. We still talked here and there, updating major things. I had stopped dating entirely, but she was getting back into it. On New Year's Eve (2025), she wrote me an email basically asking me straightforwardly if I still wanted her as my friend, and called out my behaviour. She has been my best and closest friend for 7 years now. I am so comfortable with her, and I usually have a hard time opening up with people, but with her, it is so natural, like it's in my nature. I cannot imagine a world where we are not friends. I got my shit together and decided I need to be a better friend to her. But now that we are back to contacting each other every day and talking on the call for hours, I finally realized that I love her like heart-achingly love her. I have been terrified and refused to acknowledge it in the past, but I cannot do that anymore since it is so evident.

Currently, she is in a relationship with a guy (whom I helped her with since I wanted to be a good friend) whom she really likes, and I am happy for her because she deserves to be happy and loved. She deserves to be loved so loudly, and I love that she is getting that. She talks about him with so much giddiness. Which is also the reason why I would never confess. I want to be her friend before anything else, and it seems selfish to confess when she is already happy in a relationship. I am still terrified of relationships and haven't worked through my commitment issues, more reason to not confess. I don't think we even have a future together. She won't move here, and going back home is my nightmare. I don't think she would ever even come out to her family. The best scenario is for me to move on without confessing.

I know that the easiest solution would be to have some boundaries and reduce communication, but she will know something is up if I do that. I don't really wanna lie to her about it. This is driving me crazy. This is my first time loving someone, so I don't know what to do with all these emotions and how to deal with them. I have been writing a draft email whenever I get too overwhelmed with my feelings, I would never send it though. Any tips?