writing this from a burner
I've recently tried quitting again last week Saturday and sine then all has been fine till now. as i type this i am feeling a massive urge to relapse.
No this isn't my first rodeo, I've been watching porn since i was about 15/16 (I'm 23->24) at at my worst id watch/jerk 4 times a day (this was about 5/6 years ago once then I'd go 1 to twice a day or every other day In my past attempts id manage about 1 month with no porn or masturbating however on multiple occasions i have managed to complete 2-3 months how ever that may have been due to my mental state at the time as well as living situations( 2 attempts)
How ever recently i have found it harder to quit a lot is going on in my like and for the longest time I've been using porn/ jerking off as a stress relief and am escape from reality when i don't want to do something, and i have come to a point in my life where i need to grow as a person both in terms of emotional growth as well as in terms of skills pertaining to my interests and i have felt like porn has been getting in the way of that but i am finding it very difficult now to stop i look at my friend who 1.) never attached porn before or 2.) managed to quite years ago before i did, and I envy them.
Now i wouldn't say thus habit has had an overly negative impact on my personal relationships ( idrk if I'm being honest) or finances (apart from the on e time i bought a flashlight out of curiosity), I never had any OF/fancily subs i never really subscribed to the idea of paying for porn.
I also don;t know if this addiction was a key impact on me getting into relationships, even before watching porn i wasn't and am still not very socially out going, I'm not actively nor have i pursued any kind of relationship with someone apart from 2 occasions back in my middle. and schoolchild days that did not go well, I'd consider myself a bit socially inept and not really the best at picking up certain social queues and after conversions or certain interactions with people i often become critical of myself and ask question why i said certain things and other wonder how the person/people on the other end perceive me ( generality i think i am often the dumbest/most clueless person in the room especially at work)
One impact this addiction may have had is further increase my disinterest in actually achieving m,y goals (I would like to not this is not 100% entirely due to porn but i think i may have had an influence) for years i have been telling myself that i want to accomplish certain things and i would always start but never finish anything so may projects that i just gave up./ lost interest in whilst barely making any progress from inception more so lately i haven been too happy with the current things that keep me occupied, it's like i have no drive to do anything I know that there is a lot of self improvement that i need to undergo but i just don't have any drive to do it everything lately has been bland and mundane and nothing seems to truly make me happy not even porn so idk just for example i have a personal project that i should be working on that's suppose to in theory help me with some skills that i will need to use later on in my career but I just not have the drive to do it ( i will do it eventually as thee is a deadline) to meet
there's more i want to say but this is getting too long and i forgot why i made this in the first place(guess it was to distract me from going and relapsing but ended up as just a venting session )
anyway if you read up until this point thanks i guess?
if you have anything to say (advice/words of encouragement/insults maybe) feel free to comment i mainly use this burner to post thing i don't want on main