u/Fhemtek

Was pacing my in-law’s basement, watching my daughter on her monitor, waiting for her to put herself to sleep for the night. The basement has a bar. I found myself looking at the shelves, reading the labels of the alcohol, looking at their collectibles and baseball memorabilia, realizing I never allowed myself to observe what their bar looked like because it was “off limits” for me. I’m sure at early times in my sobriety, this was helpful.

Many of the bottles are open, poured from, half empty. A thought came in, “You could have a drink and nobody would know.” Another thought, “Am I going to drink?” Another, “Is this how it starts?” “Do I need to go back to AA?”

The reality is I’ve had these exact same thoughts throughout my 9.5 years active in AA. The thoughts are nothing new but my circumstances are. I don’t have much experience staying sober without a program, without a sponsor to call and “report” my thoughts to (We are only as sick as our secrets) and a meeting to attend so I can take out insurance on my next drink.

Alcohol isn’t a mortal enemy. It can be dangerous when used disorderly, but it doesn’t have to be cordoned off. It isn’t something I’m interested in being scared of, at least not so scared that I can’t even look at my surroundings. I don’t know what my relationship with alcohol will look like and I don’t care so much. I am focused on clearing up my thought processes.

I’m probably going to be blowing this place up for a bit because I have just started this deconstruction journey. While I’d much rather see what is true, it sure doesn’t make the process less emotional.

What a place to find myself in: crying my eyes out that the structure I built my life around just crumbled. And I still have a life and I’m glad for the lessons but the point right now is the collapse is painful, sad, unbelievable. The tears quickly turn to anger - how could I be so fuckin stupid and how are so many people I love not just as outraged by what is so clear but they cannot see? That they may not ever see.

I’m blowing this place up because something 12 Step does is habituate you into calling your sponsor and other fellows in times of crisis. Who the fuck can you call when the crisis is the religious ideology of 12 Step? You can try and call them. I did. And I got in return what I expected: recitation of the Big Book. I could say the sentences with them because I learned them, too.

My world became so small overnight.

I know it will get better. But it hurts in this moment.

A little over two weeks ago is when I first read The Orange Papers and then started obsessively reading articles and listening to podcasts on 12 step deconstruction. I’ve questioned 12 Step the entire time I have been in and was always given an anti-intellectual direction to stop thinking so much, that self-knowledge availed me nothing, etc.

It is absolutely mind blowing that it took A LITTLE MORE THAN TWO WEEKS to dismantle what I’ve practiced for TEN YEARS. Talk about a foundation of mortar without sand! To me, how quickly this fell is what speaks volumes.

My sponsor tells me not to read this stuff, to click off it immediately, or read it with another 12 step person. That doesn’t work for me. My hope is that I become someone whose beliefs can either stand up to criticism or they can widen and change based on criticism. Completely avoiding criticism of any kind is a sign that I’m nervous if I look, I might actually see what I’ve been trying to avoid.

Yes, I got sober in AA and yes, there are many good people and good principles and I’ve grown tremendously. That is important but it is not the point. I am allow to reject something even if I benefited from it. I am allowed to have grown from something and for that something to no longer work for me. I am allowed to change my mind once I have more information.

More was fuckin’ revealed, that’s for sure.