Struggled with severe derealization for 8 years. It finally got better.
For about eight years, I struggled with severe derealization with panic attacks.
During the COVID era, it was so bad (I didn't really know what it was at the time) that I once didn't dare to move for 30 minutes, fearing that would make it worse.
It often lasted the entire day, it even followed me into my dreams. I used to think about a trip to Japan just to get some hope. In my dream, I was walking through Tokyo and realized that I couldn't enjoy anything anymore because it’s exactly in moments like those that the derealization kicks in.
I’m not sure if it was the same night, but once I woke up, got out of bed, and realized the derealization hadn't improved even after sleeping. I looked at my hands and performed a reality check to see if I was dreaming. I had five fingers, no strange colors, everything looked normal. Then, I actually woke up. But it didn't feel any different than it had in the dream.
I even carried this through my time in the military. I finished basic training as an infantry soldier while keeping my condition a secret. The physical limits weren't the hardest part -the worst was the derealization during the quiet moments of waiting.
I never sought help because I thought no one would believe me or take it seriously.
I also struggle significantly with ADHD (diagnosed), which has added another layer of complexity to my experience. While working as a graphic designer, the pressure and workload eventually became so overwhelming that I lost the ability to sleep. I was in a constant state of nervous exhaustion and could no longer calm down, not even during vacations. I ended up in a psychiatric clinic.
Surprisingly, since the clinic, the derealisation has gotten so much better. I’m not sure if it was the meds, the therapy, or just finally being away from the pressure and being allowed to be me with my ADHD.
My therapist actually triggered my derealization on purpose, I think. She used repetitive topics like a mantra until I couldn't speak, then left me in that state. She said she wanted me to learn to allow feelings. I think I used derealization to dissociate from strong emotions.
Has anyone else experienced this "intentional triggering" in therapy? Or has anyone else managed to hide this while in high-pressure jobs? Would love to hear your thoughts.