u/Fickle-Event-9925

I 25F and my bf 23M have been together for a little over 2 years. I have 3 kids 2 with a previous ex that I was shortly married to. I left because he was absent and started to abuse me. And 1 with my now bf. For the first 6 months of our relationship it was amazing we had so much fun together we would also have sex a lot but then his father moved in with us because he was homeless and I didnt know at the time but his father was the worst person ive ever met in my life. My bf talked highly of him. But after he moved in he acted like he owned the place and said I was a poor excuse for a mother because I wasn't constantly on my feet and I wasn't allowed to rest ever. Both my sons are autistic they can be a bit much sometimes. But I think his father put a poor image of me in my bfs head. We started to argue but I also just found out I was pregnant very early on in the relationship (I know stupid me) but the baby didnt have a heartbeat and it was an ectopic pregnancy and if any woman has gone through that im pretty sure you know the process. You need plenty of rest after the doctor deals with it. And so my bf had to step up a little and his father belittled me so much it was just horrible he called child protective services on me but choked out his own son for protecting me when I got sexually assaulted by my neighbor. We forgave him (stupidly) long story short his father wanted to buy my car off of me and borrowed it to go to his home state to get his things he left behind. He stole my car because he never came back. So the only car we have had was my bfs little car. But anyway where im getting to is we have been arguing since his dad came around and we moved to my bfs home state to start fresh thinking it would help us but it made things worse he wanted to be around his friend that was a girl all the time his best friends gf but his best friend was at work when they would hang out. It felt weird so id video call him and it would make them both mad like I shouldn't be a little concerned that they hung out late at night. His ex also lived in the neighborhood so that was an add on. Then he got a new job where abother one of his exes worked another add on it made us argue so much then I got a call In the middle of the night that my brother died in a car accident and I didnt hesitate we came home immediately and after the funeral we grabbed all of our things and was moving back home and for some reason the girl he was friends with that I also considered my friend at one point told my bf I cheated on him the night of my brothers funeral. I had a get together that night with all the people that loved my brother and had drinks in his honor. My bf ended up passing out but me my brothers best friend and gf stayed up. We mostly stayed up because my brothers best friend wanted to drive home drunk and we wanted to keep him safe. I ended up video chatting the girl we were friends with from his home state and me and my brothers gf and best friend were all hugging and crying it was an emotional night but I didnt cheat I would never. It made us argue. Then one night me, my bf, my brothers gf and my cousin got drunk again and something weird happened. My bf and my brothers gf go to the bathroom together and wont let me in. I thought it was so weird and so did my cousin. So my cousin said ill get them out and he said he had to take a piss and they came out and then both passed out on the couch my bf got sick on the floor. then a few weeks pass and my bf was begging for sex and I said yes because I didnt want to turn him down but I wasn't really much in the mood because I recently lost my brother. And a few weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. My brothers gf was the first one I told and then my bf while he was half asleep. A couple months pass and the relationship between my bf and my brothers gf seemed weird and it made me anxious. And so I started to talk to him about it he said nothing was going on but something just didnt feel right and the loss of my brother and the hormones from the pregnancy and the anxiousness I had made me feel like I was going insane me and him argued pretty bad and I thought maybe I am insane and so I decided I needed help so I sent myself to a temporary hospital to keep me and get me some therapy and while I was there we called each other and one day he told me he wanted to go to his friends house and spend time with them and I said go ahead you need some fun. Well the next day he would not answer my calls until 4pm and I just knew then and there he went to a bar and dont get me wrong going to a bar can be fine for some people but I just knew something was up I was already heartbroken but I didnt say anything so one day I decided to talk to the friends he went to the bar with and whebi told him that I was going to talk to them the truth came out. He said "it was actually a club and im not sure but I think a girl danced on me" and I said you think or you know because he told me he didnt drink much that night because he had to drive home but then he came out and told me he bought girls drinks and a girl danced on him. And we had the biggest argument but I decided to try to make things work but I lost so much trust then. So everything was scary for me for a while so I questioned everything I lost myself again and I found out by my brothers gf he was hitting on her the whole time and he told her he had a dream that they had sex and he wanted to so there went what I was afraid of. But my trust issues led to him leaving me for a month I thought I lost him for good I was crying everyday begging for him to talk to me because I was left pregnant and the whole time he went to bars meeting women and buying drinks for several women and having sex and other sexual things while I suffered. When he came back he said he was suffering everyday. From then on id catch him in lies finding porn on his phone. Looking up girls he went to school with several times he would deny he did any of it. But I kept catching the lies. And now finally fast forward to today we have a baby and my trust is so bad I ask him to keep his phone out of the bathroom I watch him on life 360 I cant sleep at night and I have nightmares. Wondering everyday if there is more I dont know that he never told me but he swears up and down hes telling me the truth on everything but something else has also been killing me ive begged for his attention and affection for months and talked to him for hours to get him to listen and hear me. Ive also noticed he has almost no sex drive. It feels like hes doing me a favor but he says hes just tired from work which could be true but he used to work longer hours and still have lots of sex with me. And something I forgot to mention I already have no confidence in my body especially after having kids but while we were separated I found out he was going around telling people bad things about my bodyand that has ruined me. I ca t look at myself anymore. I get told im beautiful by strangers all the time but I rarely get a compliment from him. I love him so much and he tells me hes doing everything in the world to make things work. He does so much for me and my parents and kids when he can but I feel no real love. I need advice. What can I do about my situation?