u/Fickle-Reference8653

me (20M) and my bf (22M) have been having a really rough time ever since we officially got together basically. Last fall he started to become emotionally and economically abusive towards me but for some reason I forgave him and I keep forgiving him for everything and if Im being honest I think I would still forgive him if he hit me again, if he cheated again or if he made the abuse and lies into a constant thing.

I keep finding myself waiting and expecting him to mess up again, to hit me again so I would have a reason to leave him. I even find myself waiting for him to leave or to just disappear somehow and I hate that I feel like I would be better off if he just disappeared. Im in a constant cycle of wanting him and wanting his love and company but later just feel like I deserve better. He even said he might not be able to survive me leaving him again and Im scared.

I feel so stuck, like I cant leave and like Im stuck with him for the rest of my life and Im not sure what to do. I just hope he leaves me soon, I hope he leaves me so he cant blame me for everything and blame me for being a horrible person or wtv it is he wants to say. I dont know what to do, I feel so helpless and so scared and so lonely and I just want to leave but I dont know how.

My bf was a really bad person to me, he cheated twice, hit me once and emotionally manipulated me multiple times. I left twice and always came back for some stupid reason. I dont understand why Im still so in love and why i still feel so safe around him when im clearly unhappy with him.

The second time we broke up and got back together, all my friends left me and now I have no one. I understand my friends I really really do and I dont blame them I just really miss them.

I hate how my life is looking rn, I barely have any friends and I only have a boyfriend that Im not even sure I wanna be with. Everytime I think about breaking up or slightly mention it I get a response of ”why are you doing this to me?” or ”promie you have no plans on breaking up with me?” and I promise bc if I dont hes gonna get sad and all that. I feel so stuck, like if i break up with him now I first of all wont have anyone left at all and secondly I dont even know if im able to leave bc Ill be painted as the bad guy if I break up with him.

Idk what to do or what to say or how to live like this. I just want to feel free again, like I did at the start of our relationship. I want to feel uplifted with love and affection not feel like its something I have to do. I miss being around my bf and feeling like everything in the world is perfect now everything just feels so empty anf like Im reading from a script so I dont say something that hurts him or dont say/do enough of something that he wants.

I just want my old life back and I really really want my friends back

This is one of my first pieces ever so it might not be amazing but I hope you still enjoy it! I also hope I used the right flair but I think so

——

A girl once told me her brother had passed away from suicide.

She was heartbroken, of course, over the fact she no longer had a brother but mostly because everyone got a letter except for her.

It got me thinking of when I planned my death.

I started writing all the letters. Telling my mother how thankful I am she made me food everyday even when i protested against it.
How proud I am of my dad for overcoming his addiction and how lucky I am to have had such amazing friends.

But when I wrote down my sister’s name I was at a loss for words.

I couldnt find the words to express how much she meant to me and how much shes taught me.

I debated on not writing a letter at all, leaving the words unsaid so that maybe a part of me would still stay and linger here with her waiting to be spoken.

I knew the thought of her would make me stay. So I left the paper blank.

Because no words could ever be enough to tell her how much I love her, how much I loved every moment with her.

And if I were to try I would have to live longer anyways because it would take me a lifetime to tell her how much I enjoyed every experience we’ve had together and all the experiences we’ve yet to have.

I realised leaving her without a goodbye would hurt more than the agony that was going on inside me at that moment.

So i put down the pen, trashed the letters id written and went to sleep.

In the morning I hugged my sister, told her I loved her and thanked my mother for breakfast.

I never told anyone about that night.

But if I dared to, I would tell my sister and tell her that she saved me.

I would tell her that if she ever doubts herself, to think about that her mere existence is enough to save lives.

I keep gettibg irrationally angry at my bf all the time and it’s so annoying. Idk if its in response to past behaviour from him or just me becoming a person i really dont wanna be.

I in no shape of form want to put the blame on him but I wanna give some context bc I want to know if his behaviour could be a reason to me reacting this way. Hes cheated on me twice, hit me once and been pretty emotionally abusive and we broke up after I had enough, it was really hard to live without him so I forgave him and got back together with him.

Now I just get really angry so so easily and I didn’t use to get that angry at all before not even after he cheated the first time. He has really improved and he hasn’t been violent with me or cheated on me again so I really think hes improving so I just need to know why Im so angry with him all the time. Its not fair on him to be angry over stupid things that go wrong now. I think he deserves better but i dont want to and cant leave him bc ik Ill come running back again. Plus even when I brought up that we might not be working he said he didnt wanna break up and that he loved me. I just dont know what to do and its messing with my mental health too bc I dont like seeing myself so angry as I really hate angry men.

What should I do? My mental health is generally at its best rn except for all this anger that is eating me up from inside and Im not sure what to do with it and its so hard to handle when I dont even know where its coming from