My ex now broke up with me and i need all the help i can get
The relationship started in a weird way… The year before meeting him i worked on myself and learned how to be alone and imagined how I wanted my next and final love and it was just like him. He on the other hand told me he started this relationship in the wrong way, and the signs were very clear for me too:
in the first weeks I shared my feelings about a fight with my father where his words hurt me and instead of supporting me in a normal way he almost looked disgusted that I had this fight with my dad, he asked: “why don’t you have that fixed? It’s weird that this is your situation, this is telling of your character” in that moment I felt so disgusted and in my head I was “leave now or this will be a problem later” guess what? It dit.
During the relationship we both wanted to open up but I also felt pressure in having intimate time with him, by him. So much so I always told him that our first time was not nice for me, I never liked it and I felt pressured. He said he felt pressured by me for a relationship…
In the early stages every time I came to his place we would jump in bed and I was a little numb to it, I just went with the flow until I noticed that it was a little bit weird… every-time we had intimate times in bed I used to force myself into feeling like this was the greatest love of my life, and now it’s those moments that make it easier for me to see that this can’t be the love of my life.
Things hurt a lot because we told each to be buried together etc… but the more we told each other these things the less they felt real.
He also has a porn addiction and he himself has said that it has ruined our relationship. He wanted so much from me that when I gave it, it still wasn’t enough. He couldn’t understand why I was going through a period where i didn’t want to have intimate relationships with him in bed and made me feel so uncomfortable and irritated that I had to tell him almost 3 times in a month why, and have a whole conversation that if I don’t feel emotionally seen, it’s hard for me to want to share myself.
Sometimes I even gave in and for a moment everything felt fine, until the next time arrived. The thing that hurts most is that I made this feel okay for me and assured that this was going to be him and my life until the end. And to realise that it’s not like this it’s like unlearning something too familiar.
Also his mom was really present and emotionally manipulating in ways that he could quite see but I could.
Saying: “don’t forget us that we helped you at your worst” when he told them he wanted to go on vacation with me.
Such things… can someone tell me so far if the love of your life should act like this?
He had so many communication issues: for instance once in December 2025 I wanted to come over and were discussing the when but his incapacity to communicate led us to a mini argument, and in that moment he felt so empty and insecure that he randomly asked another girl’s number. I understand that that was a hard period for him as he just moved to a bigger city and wanted to experience some things alone and wanted more space from me… but even then I don’t think that’s how someone in love truly would act. At least he would communicate in a non hurtful way. I think.
Even in the first months of our relationship he could feel like he was experiencing a new relationship with me and do things with me that he used to do with his ex. But this was short as this issue was never brought up again.
He used to make me feel little about my Dutch since I wasn’t born here, told me I sound like a Turkish/Moroccan person with poor grammar. My Dutch was limited but that’s not how you make someone feel that you should like and that you want to make like you.
In his defence he stopped doing it, but it marked like the first year-ish and a half of our relationship, but as he stopped doing that, there were other ways he would subconsciously put me down: the way I cut food, the way that I don’t want to be told that if I once decide to put a tattoo on me that he will have to leave me, etc…
His family indoctrinated him a lot with many untrue limiting beliefs. That ruined us because he was at war with what he always had known and the understanding that it was never all really true and it made him feel bad.
He is also not capable of loving and enjoying something just for the sake of loving and enjoying something. His family made him believe that he had to do some time of hobby for him to be a good person with qualities, but this led him to not finish his school for the 3rd time. While he was critical of me when I just worked, worked on school, or didn’t work for a period.
Saying all these things make me want to tell them to him again to help him, but I want the love of my life to see these things himself and work on them for us, not for himself.
He was scared of the idea of two, when things got intimate he used to show discomfort because he knew how to be alone and thought that sharing and beginning to feel safe with someone was not good.
At the end of it all he left me crying on the floor of my new apartment in the same city we both moved to, for our plans. He left me crying while looking at his phone and a text of his mom, he laughed and while I was keeping him from going and hugging him he said “I get hard when you are next to me like this” and he squeezed my bum when I was crying for him to stay. I don’t remember if he was actually hard but I remember it a bit.
He also asked me to marry him…
So many things that I made myself believe of him that he was the one just because he was in touch with classical and good music, knew how to do a lot of stuff, clean, cook, be emotional but he couldn’t pretend for longer until his real side prevailed.
Me on the other hand, thought that I finally met then one but was not capable to be alone after all. I made him my air, my breath and my life and I internalised him so much so that it feels like removing something I knew all along, but it’s not true.
I genuinely enjoyed being with him here and there but I also remember vividly how he used to make me sleep on the matras on the ground and he on the bed, because he needed more rest than I did and many many times waking up next to him and thinking: I should feel so content and happy to wake up next to my boyfriend but I’m not.
Or many times I forced myself to feel like this was good because in my head this relationship had to be my good one and final one.
I know that I lost myself in it but I did it with the intentions to respect him and be there for him and i thought that this feelings I had of uncertainty were self sabotage. But now I know I always knew this wasn’t for me
This said, I still feel extremely empty and sad but also mad and his cruelty and meanness.
Mad that I don’t want to see him again and feel a punch in my gut because of all the love I poured into him, reflecting the magic that was never there.
He is an interesting person, can do a lot of things and captured me because he was the first normal person in my life and had my first real relationship with him.
I miss the comfort of being in a relationship with him, and I miss him too a lot right now.
But the person that he showed me he was when he left me is someone I never knew, when I hold his face for the last time in my hands I couldn’t recognise him and the kissed and hugs felt like a stranger.
I miss the normal times with him, the errands together, the being with this person everyday for 2,5 years. Just like I convinced myself he had to be the love of my life I can convince myself that the love of my life would never put me through these feelings.
I need all the help I can get to not feel this in a few months and I need to get out of this pain.
I am aware of my own mistakes but i truly believe and he even admitted it himself that the turbulence began by him. He began with insecurity and critics towards me while I was just happy to meet him, because I came into this relationship happy to be alone and wanting to open up. And he came into it with a porn addiction and a lot of internal turmoil of what he truly actually wanted.
He said he wanted to end things because he was emotionally drained, tired and needed space.
Thank you for reading all of this, if you did I really thank you.