Permanently Banned on Hinge and It’s All My Fault
For about little over 7 months now I’ve been isolating due to a depressive episode. There’s a lot more to go into about this but essentially I hate myself a lot and believe I’m a harmful person. I don’t know why but during January the loneliness got to me and I got it in my head to reinstall Hinge.
This is where the part about me hating myself comes into play. I on some level believe that I’m undateable and shouldn’t be in a relationship. Because of this I essentially wanted to browse without actually putting myself out there. I just wanted to see if maybe there was someone out there for me for idk motivation to continue improving my mental health. I also hated the way I looked. Idiotic, I know that now.
I used a fake name and only used meme images on my profile. I never liked anyone because I didn’t legitimately want to catfish anyone or have anyone get invested. I made the false assumption that this would be okay based on what was common on tinder. This was alright until my account got deleted/logged out randomly. I thought it was a glitch or something so I made a similar account again… deleted once again.
This is when it finally got through my thick skull that this was probably more than a glitch out of panic I decided to finally make an account that was really me with my real name and pictures. I noticed that despite getting decent coverage before I got radio silence this time around. This sent me down a rabbit hole where I suspected I might be banned. I stayed up all night several weeks stressed about this and I’m still ruminating over it. It even moved to the point where I asked a friend to search me up and they couldn’t find me.
I feel like I’ve destroyed my future love life. I’m 23 , socially awkward, and neurodivergent. I’m balding , and I have bad skin. I try not to think about it but when I do it almost makes me want to cry. This was so avoidable. I should have just allowed myself to be vulnerable to the world and just said I was just browsing. Now I’m permanently locked out of what would have been the best platform for me. This is entirely my fault and I hate myself for it.
Any words of wisdom would or coping advice would be greatly appreciated.