u/Final_Commercial5373

My abuser (grandma) comes over a lot lately, she comes when she knows I'll be alone as my parents are at work and I'm currently unemployed. She'll just sit here in silence for hours staring at the floor, sleeping or watching TV (but only if i switch it on for her) and expect me to cook for her. If I don't, she'll sit there anyway and then tell my parents we haven't eaten.

It's already a lot dealing with her presence, but the expectation that I wait on her hand and foot is infuriating on top of that. I end up getting snappy with her, avoiding eye contact, and avoiding conversation. Usually it's just her talking or complaining, and I tune it out, not really on purpose, but when I do catch a few seconds of what she's saying, it makes me mad. She's very religious and presents herself as righteous, like she's above everyone else. And is always complaining about how she's ill when she's literally the healthiest person in my family. She was always saying yeah this person has cancer but they're fine really, but woe is me i sneezed once yesterday.

Everything about her grates on me and I hate being around her, but then I feel guilty and horrible for feeling that way.

I was hypersexual from a very young age, watching porn from around 9, always gravitating toward violent content, large age gaps, group scenarios, CNC, anything involving a lack of power. I was fantasising and trying to pleasure myself from around that age or earlier. Despite this, I didn't actually have sex for the first time until I was 24. Every time an opportunity arose before that, I'd panic and run, even when the person seemed perfectly nice. I lied about this constantly, telling friends I'd had sex, even in groups where everyone else was also a virgin.

Once I did have sex, it was like a bottle had been uncorked and I didn't know how to say no or back out. I started having sexual encounters with most people who initiated. It made me feel sick and used, even when the other person was being genuinely kind. I think I felt there was no point to me otherwise.

I'm now 27 and in my first long-term relationship of about a year. I really trust and love my partner, he feels safe. Early on I was doing my usual thing, doing everything I could to sexually gratify him constantly. A few months in, I told him about my CSA history. After that, things shifted, he was very insistent that I didn't need to be doing all of that, and would check in about whether I actually wanted things.

I'm now in a place where I'm more comfortable saying no (well not really... Its more he understands i mentally get locked out even if I'm still physically performing so if I'm silent and don't give a yes with enthusiasm he won't proceed... Which i then feel guilty about even if he reassures me not to be) and I've noticed I'm sometimes swinging in the opposite direction, feeling very little desire for sex at all. I can go a few days or even a week without initiating or going along with something, which for me feels significant, even if it sounds small. Before, sex was almost an inevitable outcome of any interaction with a guy, regardless of what I wanted.

I'm not really sure where this is going and how to find a happy and healthy balance, for myself but also for my partner.

One thing I find confusing is that my abuser was a woman, not a man, so I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of some of these patterns.

I'm struggling with something and could use some guidance. As some background context: my grandma groomed and SAd me since I can remember (discussed in a previous post), something I'm still processing and have a lot of conflicting feelings about, including doubt, guilt, and shame.

After some time away, I've recently had to move back home, and this person has heard I'm back and is planning to come over to see me. I'll be alone at the time. I'm in my late twenties, and I know rationally that I'm safe, but I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about it. It's also been a while since I've seen her, but more than that, in that gap away I really accepted and saw the past events for what they were. This makes it feel even harder to know how to handle.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to prepare myself emotionally for this, and how to get through it.

I've always carried a lot of fear, guilt, shame, and anxiety. As a teenager, my grandad died. At the funeral, an older family member exclaimed at one point, "we only have the fiddler left", something along those lines, referring to my grandma. In an instant, my world came crashing down around me. I just kept walking with my family, pretending nothing happened. First I felt an unknown fear, then defensive and angry, what did he mean? That's my favourite grandparent he was talking about. Then more fear, oh, what if she... No, everything was always friendly and nice and allowed by myself. Then sadness, why would he say this about a woman who'd just lost her husband a day or two ago? I quickly buried this comment (though not very well), since I was preoccupied mourning my grandfather.

A few months later, she moved into our flat, a small flat, with my parents' room, mine, and a sofabed in the living room, which is where she stayed. I don't remember if my parents or I suggested I stay with her, if she asked, or if it just happened unspoken, but I slept with her on the sofabed for maybe a year after his death. I must've been 13 or 14. I think I did it because I didn't want her to feel bad or lonely, her husband, my grandfather, had just died. She snored, and it annoyed me; that eventually became the excuse I used to go back to my room. With every look and touch she gave me, I felt disgusting. My family member's comment kept echoing in the back of my head.

I'm now in my late 20s and have just recently told someone for the first time, my boyfriend, that I think I was sexually abused by a family member. I didn't tell him any details or who it was, since she's still alive and I don't want them to have a weird relationship. I still feel a lot of doubt. Most of the time I think it's not true, it wasn't that bad, I'm lying, maybe I'm attention-seeking. And then every now and again something will happen and I believe it to be true, and I feel like crying and screaming, so I'm quick to push it all down and go back to doubting myself.

My grandma always touched me in private areas as a small child. She would dress it up as tickling or a joke. I have no idea how this made me feel as a kid. Now I feel gross, but back then I can only assume it didn't, since she was, as I said, my favourite grandparent. I remember often thinking about the four grandparents and trying to rank them in order of favourites, she was always at the top, idolised. She did this to, she had a frame and would put her favourite grandchild of the week in it. There were many of us, but the main contenders were myself and one other cousin, let's call him Lucas. More often than not it was me in that frame, but when it wasn't, I felt immense anxiety. I loved this woman so much.

She encouraged me to touch Lucas, who was a year older than me, inappropriately, and acted like it was funny or a cute joke. I did it often to get a positive reaction, from other adults too, like a dog who was taught a trick. I remember that same cousin wincing and not liking it. I also remember that cousin, when it was just us (maybe I was 4/5 and he was 5/6), behind closed doors asking me to pretend-play doctors and making me touch him inappropriately, and him doing it back to me. I always think of this episode with immense shame, guilt, and embarrassment, as I remember feeling, well, aroused, I suppose, if that's even possible. I remember being a very sexual child in my mind, seeking arousal.

One of my friends had an abusive father, so my parents never let me go to her house when he was home, but she was allowed to come to mine. I remember during sleepovers she'd show me things and make us get naked and lie on top of each other. We were probably 7 at this point. Later, I remember replicating this behaviour with another friend, maybe aged 9. She was not happy with it and asked to stop. We did, but I felt a bit confused as to why it was an issue for her, for me it felt very normal. I feel so incredibly horrible about it; I regret it so much. How could I not have known at that age not to do things like that? I learnt at that point these things were bad, so I always kept all of this silent.

I remember watching porn from a very young age, single digits. The more violent, the better. I almost sought to feel disgusted. I sought age gaps that made me feel sick. Then I discovered CNC content, and I watched these things almost every night until I was in my later teens.

When my grandma was living in my house after my grandad died, she would still touch me in ways that, at that point, felt inappropriate, but I would just freeze up. She would also come to watch me get dressed, go to the toilet, or shower, and make comments about my body. She still occasionally tries to touch me, I move away now. She still tries to follow me to the bathroom sometimes, I lock the door. The bigger issue now is her coming in to use the bathroom while I'm just there brushing my teeth or washing my hands. She still tries to watch me getting changed, and sometimes literally opens my door to have a chat when I've closed it (I don't have a lock on my bedroom door).

I think part of why I get so confused is that we have a very open family. No one else is creepy, and I do think it was healthy growing up with no shame around bodies, knowing what real bodies look like, not just Hollywood and magazines. No ogling, comments, or touching. But I think the fact that this was so normal, natural, and innocent blurred the line with what my grandma would do. My parents were always very wary and warned me about these things and told me to tell them if anything happened, but they always spoke about it as if men were the only perpetrators, so I never realised.

I still feel stupid now writing this. I feel like I'm being dramatic and that nothing weird or bad happened. I try distancing myself from her, but I just feel bad, evil, and guilty when I try to. I loved her so much as a child, and she is still my grandma, I don't know how to process my feelings. I still have plenty of positive memories that include her, and I've always thought of my childhood as a happy and lucky one.

Hi, I am looking into moving to India (Hyderabad, Telangana) for 3 months. I have a sever allergy to all nuts and peanuts. How doable and safe would this move be? I would hope to have my own apartment with my boyfriend so the kitchen at home would be free from traces but not sure about restaurants, transport, just general life.

Hi, I am looking into moving to India (Hyderabad, Telangana) for 3 months. I have a sever allergy to all nuts and peanuts. How doable and safe would this move be? I would hope to have my own apartment with my boyfriend so the kitchen at home would be free from traces but not sure about restaurants, transport, just general life.

Hi, I am looking into moving to India (Hyderabad, Telangana) for 3 months. I have a sever allergy to all nuts and peanuts. How doable and safe would this move be? I would hope to have my own apartment with my boyfriend so the kitchen at home would be free from traces but not sure about restaurants, transport, just general life.