My SIL is having an affair with a woman
Hi everyone. Long-time listener, first-time poster, and I guess this seemed like the best place to put this. I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or if I just need to get this out of my brain and into the universe.
Anyway… my (32F) brother (38M) is going through a really tough time, to put it lightly.
For context, my brother—we’ll call him Tom—is married to my SIL (38F), who we’ll call Nancy. They’ve been together since middle school and have three boys together: 12, 11, and 8.
The boys started playing hockey when they were really young and have a pretty close-knit hockey community. About 18 months ago, Nancy started acting a little differently. Around six months into that, she began spending a lot more time with another hockey mom, who we’ll call Jenna (39F).
At first, none of us thought much of it. The boys were friends with Jenna’s son, so it made sense that they would hang out. Jenna is also married—we’ll call her husband Trevor (42M)—and they have a 12-year-old son.
The families became pretty close last year after they ended up at the same hockey tournament and had hotel rooms across the hall from each other. From there, they started doing a lot together—family vacations, dinners, hockey events, etc. It was actually really nice. Everyone seemed to genuinely get along.
There were also times when Nancy and Jenna would take the boys places together—dinners, movies, concerts, whatever. But eventually, one by one, my nephews started saying they didn’t really want to hang out with Jenna’s son anymore. They felt like they were spending way too much time together and that it just wasn’t fun anymore.
My oldest nephew even told me that he missed one of his other friends, but his mom would only hang out with Jenna.
I didn’t think too much of it at the time. Nancy doesn’t have a ton of friends, so I figured maybe she had finally found someone she really clicked with.
Then this past summer, things took an interesting turn around my nephews’ birthdays.
We were all at the birthday party, and there was tension almost immediately when my family and I arrived. Jenna was already there with Trevor and their son. We had shown up early because we normally help set up for family parties, but instead, we were told to just go outside and relax.
That was unusual because we always arrive early specifically to help get things situated, and having extra hands usually makes everything easier. There was just… something off.
My husband (39M) and our son went outside, and eventually there were a bunch of kids and parents hanging out in the backyard.
At some point, a few of the moms decided to shotgun a beer behind the garage. It wasn’t a dry party, so people were drinking and having a good time. Nobody really thought much of it.
But once my brother found out, he absolutely lost it.
He and Nancy went inside for a while. I assumed everyone had eventually made their way back outside, so I went inside to use the bathroom. I was wrong.
They had actually gone into their bedroom, shut the door, and were having a very intense and very loud conversation. Their bedroom shares a wall with the bathroom, so unfortunately, I could hear pretty much everything.
And this was the first time I really heard some of the details about Nancy and Jenna’s relationship.
My brother was clearly uncomfortable with how close they were. He said he didn’t like Jenna, that Nancy and Jenna spent too much time together, and a lot of other things that, honestly, caught me completely off guard.
At the time, I thought my brother was being extremely controlling.
This was the first really close friendship Nancy had ever had, and from what I had seen, it seemed like she had finally found someone she enjoyed spending time with.
A week or so later, Nancy and I went out to dinner. We were mostly making small talk, but she eventually started telling me more about her relationship with my brother.
She talked about how he had an issue with things she wanted to do—getting a tattoo, spending time with Jenna, planning a girls’ trip, etc.
My brother and I have always been extremely close. We have a really good relationship, and we’re the people who go to each other when something serious is happening. So hearing this side of him was really strange for me.
I told Nancy that if she ever needed someone to talk to, I was there. I know she’s my SIL, but she’s also someone I care about, and I wanted her to feel like her feelings were valid.
At the time, I genuinely thought I was just supporting her through what sounded like a difficult marriage dynamic.
Then, about a month later, my brother called and asked if he could stop by with the kids. My husband works afternoons, so it’s not unusual for my brother to come over with the boys to hang out and see my son.
We were sitting outside on the patio when he asked me something completely unexpected.
He asked if I thought the relationship between Nancy and Jenna was odd.
I told him that, from my perspective, it seemed like they spent a lot of time together, but I also have close friends who don’t live nearby, so seeing a friend that frequently isn’t really how my friendships work. I asked him for more context because I didn’t want to make assumptions.
That’s when he told me the boys had said Nancy and Jenna were kissing in front of them when they were out together.
I asked him if he had brought up the idea of there being a romantic relationship between them, or if that was something the boys had independently mentioned.
He said he had brought it up with Nancy.
According to him, Nancy told him that she and Jenna had actually had a conversation about where they wanted their relationship to go.
And that was the moment my entire perspective shifted.
I told my brother that, no, I don’t think that’s something you normally discuss with someone you view strictly as a friend. I’ve never had a conversation with one of my friends about “where we want the relationship to go,” and I can’t imagine having that conversation unless there was something more going on.
And now I’m sitting here wondering how much of what I originally thought was completely wrong.
Because on one hand, I don’t want to assume that two women being extremely close means they’re having an affair. I also don’t want to insert myself into my brother’s marriage or take sides based on pieces of information I’ve heard from each of them.
But on the other hand… there are now enough things that don’t add up that I’m having a really hard time believing this is just an innocent friendship.
And I honestly have no idea what I’m supposed to do with that information.
TLDR: My brother and SIL have been together since they were teenagers and have three boys. About 18 months ago, my SIL became extremely close with another hockey mom, Jenna. Their families started spending a lot of time together, and my brother became increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship. At first, I thought he was being controlling, especially after my SIL confided in me about their marriage.
Then my brother told me their kids had seen my SIL and Jenna kissing. When he confronted her, she apparently said she and Jenna had discussed where they wanted their relationship to
Edit: the party was in June, my lunch with SIL was in June, the visit with my brother was mid-July. I have told my brother to get therapy, to sit down and have a conversation with his wife because I can’t do anything about the situation.. he is working on both. I fear my brother has a lot of enmeshment issues with my SIL, they started dating at 14 and have only been with each other. Her parents were VERY absent when we were growing up (I was in elementary school when they started dating) and my parents were also mentally abusive… so they have been through A LOT. I’m not excusing the cheating, but my brother stated he wouldn’t care if she wanted to explore that