u/Final_Passenger3414

Problem/Goal:

My future mother-in-law (MIL) has been emotionally attacking me, invading privacy by secretly opening her family’s Messenger accounts, reading my private conversations, and using what she found to criticize me, ruin my image to my fiancé, and make me feel like I constantly have to prove myself just to be accepted. This situation has caused repeated conflict, emotional exhaustion, and has deeply affected my relationship with my fiancé.

Context:

I (F28) had already shared before about my future MIL’s narcissistic behavior, and this is Part 2 of what happened.

I am currently staying with my parents, and for the first time, I feel like I can breathe and have peace. However, another major conflict happened between me and my future MIL, and this time I finally defended myself against all her accusations.

We recently found out that she had long been secretly logged into her husband’s and children’s Messenger accounts on one of her phones. Because of this, she was able to read my private conversations with my fiancé’s older sister.

I only confided in his sister because my fiancé and I were having heated arguments, and I had no one else to talk to. I did not want to involve my own family or make them angry at my fiancé and his family, so I opened up to his sister about everything.

After reading those conversations, my future MIL messaged all of us and started attacking me. She also messaged my fiancé to ruin my image in his eyes. Through those messages, I realized that my past suspicions were true — she never really liked me and did not see me as someone worthy of marrying her son.

Most of her complaints were about household chores, making it seem like I did nothing, even though I genuinely tried and did many things out of sincerity because I wanted us to have a good relationship.

My fiancé showed me the conversations he had with his mother, and after seeing the hurtful things she said, I finally confronted her directly. I told her that my actions toward her were always genuine and never fake because I truly wanted peace and a healthy family relationship for the future.

Despite all my efforts, I realized that no matter what I do, if someone has already decided not to like you, nothing will ever be enough.

I also noticed before how hesitant she was to publicly acknowledge me as her son’s girlfriend. Her profile picture is always just her and my fiancé, and she has made indirect posts on Facebook before. She often plays the victim in messages, cries to my fiancé, and says hurtful things about me behind my back while acting kind to me in person.

I told my fiancé that if he cannot stand up to his mother and set boundaries, then I cannot continue like this. He said that he would choose me and defend me, but in reality, he still cannot confront his mother despite how painful her words and actions have been toward me.

Because of everything that happened, I stopped replying to him and told him that I am leaving the country soon anyway, so they should just let me have peace.

What hurts me the most is that my fiancé has never experienced this kind of treatment from my family. My family loves him, takes care of him, and treats him warmly whenever he is with us.

Meanwhile, I feel like I have become numb from all the hurtful messages and emotional pain from his mother. As a woman, it hurts to feel like you constantly have to prove your worth — as if you have to serve and sacrifice just to be accepted.

Problem/Goal:

I’m a 28-year-old woman and I’m honestly scared for my future because of my future mother-in-law. I feel like she is extremely narcissistic and controlling to the point that she wants to control everyone in the family — her husband, children, and even me. I want advice if I’m wrong for setting boundaries and refusing to live with them anymore after marriage.

Context:

My fiancé works abroad, so several months ago I decided to stay at their house to help take care of his elderly parents. They are still functioning and can walk, but there was really no one consistently taking care of them whenever they got hospitalized or needed assistance. Since I work from home and my fiancé has also helped me a lot before, I genuinely didn’t mind helping their family.

I also plan to work abroad soon because I support my siblings’ education and help my family financially.

At first, everything was okay until I slowly realized that I was doing almost everything in the house. Even though I only eat once a day there, I became the one washing dishes, cleaning the house every single day, doing everyone’s laundry, hanging and folding everyone’s clothes — even the clothes of their eldest son. I even carry heavy gallons of water around the house while her eldest son is there doing nothing.

I honestly started feeling more like a maid than a future daughter-in-law.

Then I started seeing how toxic my future MIL really is. She verbally abuses her daughter because she is part of the LGBT community and has a girlfriend, which eventually pushed her daughter to leave the country. She also constantly fights with her husband because she wants control over all the money he earns. She gets his salary but still asks the children for household expenses. They barely talk anymore and don’t even sleep in the same room.

Their eldest son also separated from his wife because my future MIL kept interfering in their relationship and constantly monitored the wife whenever they visited. According to my fiancé’s sister, their mother has always been this controlling.

What scares me more is how possessive she is toward my fiancé. Before, she already disliked me because my fiancé would spend a lot of time visiting me at my family’s house. She hated feeling like she was losing his attention. Since she and her husband barely communicate anymore, it honestly feels like she emotionally depends on my fiancé instead.

Whenever I leave their house for errands, document processing, or even just to visit my own family, she reports it to my fiancé if I don’t update her immediately — not because she’s worried, but because she gets angry that I’m not home serving them.

One night, I finally broke down emotionally. I cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner for everyone while also doing other household chores the entire day. Then that same night, my future MIL started throwing things around because some dishes weren’t washed immediately — even though I didn’t even eat. The kids she treats as her grandchildren were the ones who ate and left the mess, but I was the one indirectly insulted.

She also got angry because I didn’t personally invite everyone to eat. Every single day, I already cook, prepare the table, call everyone to eat, then clean everything afterward while they leave their plates behind. I barely get rest.

That was when I finally told my fiancé everything. I said I refuse to live in that environment anymore once we get married. I told him I can already see my future if nothing changes. I told him directly that if he cannot stand up for me and protect our future family from that kind of setup, then I’m willing to walk away.

I genuinely tried my best to respect and care for them, but now I feel like she never really liked me as a person — she only liked the fact that I was serving her.

Am I wrong for feeling this way and wanting boundaries before marriage?