Violation of sexual health agreement
Advice welcome.
The relevant dyad here is me (40F) and my partner Apple (40M). We have been dating polyamorously for about 2 years. Our sexual health agreement is to disclose changes in risk status before engaging intimately. Apple has a new partner, and did not disclose to me that he had stopped using barriers with this partner until after we had sex.
Throw the whole man out, right?
He was genuinely shocked that I did not know. He “thought he told me.” We had one very vague conversation where he didn’t spell it out and I didn’t pick up on the subtext at all.
I think it was mostly avoidance that made him choose not to tell me more clearly. Fear of “making me feel bad”, or not wanting to deal with it?
We both knew that I would need to make a decision about barrier usage given the change, and that it has much more emotional significance to me than I want it to. He’s also aware that 2 years ago a past partner failed to disclose something similar to me and exposed me to HIV.
I’m unsure if this is something I should try to repair. There are clearly communication issues, but I’m unsure whether to be furious and throw the whole man out, or to chalk it up as a learning experience about clarity and communication.
How do you respond to boundary violations that may have been unintentional?