Does anyone feel like their illness has caused too much damage to recover from?
I am turning 40 years old in two days. My whole life has been depression and OCD. Really bad OCD, and pretty bad depression. I finally saw a psychiatrist when I was 21 years old, who diagnosed me with a mood disorder, along with OCD. I didn't understand how that was possible when the OCD and depression were the only two things I ever felt.
He tried me on trileptal, and after a month I insisted his diagnoses was wrong and just wanted to try an SSRI. He let me try lexapro, and I felt great. He continued to ask visit after visit about my mood, and I just told him I'm doing great, I feel great, no more OCD, it's a home run. I wasn't doing anything super impulsive or having mania, so me being happy with my mood he kept me on lexapro. For 10 years I stayed on laxapro and everything was great.
When I was in my early thirties, something had changed. I was experiencing low moods, so my psychiatrist decided it was time for a med change. He once again said that he sees my type of symptoms often, and tried to get me to see past what I thought was only OCD and depression and understand it was bipolar disorder, or a mood disorder "not otherwise specified" and that needed to be treated. I always thought of bipolar is having extreme ups and I just never saw that in myself. Anyway, he added lamictal and it helped a little.
Fast forward another 3 or 4 years, and I decided I had enough and went off all my meds. I tapered really slow. I ended up with the worst depression and OCD you can imagine. Like I cant even describe how bad the OCD and depression was, there are no words. We tried every med in the book, including the combo that I was recently on, and nothing worked. Finally after two years of no luck, we tried the combo again and it semi worked. He then added serequel into the mix and that is was I am currently on now. 40mg lexapro, 200mg Lamictal, 100mg serequel, and 1mg klonopin for sleep and as needed.
I feel stable enough. Coming out of that 2 year episode, I feel lucky to be where I'm at now and happy that I have meds that are working for me. They don't work 100%, but they help a lot.
Here is the part that I just realized. This whole time, it's been predominately bipolar and OCD, not depression and OCD. I should have listened to him as he insisted over and over that I try different meds that are for bipolar but I wouldn't listen. And here I am now. 40 years old. Looking back, I've always been impulsive and way too happy, which led to hundreds of thousands of dollars of financial mistakes that has me in the absolute worst debt that I doubt I'll ever be able to get out of. My impulsiveness ruined every relationship I ever had. I could be married, I could have kids, who knows. My whole life was dictated by my mood disorder, and only now when looking back is it so clear. I was basically hypomanic for like 10 years and I just thought I felt good I guess. If I would have embraced the diagnoses of bipolar, let him treat me for that as he wanted, my life would be so much different, and better.
I don't quite know where I'm trying to even end up at with this post. I just know that if I had accepted and embraced the diagnosis and treatment my doctor gave me, I would have had an entirely different life. Now that I am almost 40, and actually on meds for my bipolar, I can see when I'm being impulsive and calm myself down. I understand when I feel sad that it's temporary and will change. I understand how this disorder works and what to do during the ups and downs. I see everything so clearly now. I am seeing this after 20 years of being medically treated for my mental illness. It's such a surreal realization.
I wish I would have realized all this 20 years ago. Basically had to hit rock bottom to realize what was right in front of my face. My life has gotten to the point where I have accepted things and the meds are working and I do feel pretty good. So there is that.
Wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience or just feels like their mental illness has ruined what could have been a great life. I know it's never too late to get back up, and I'm trying, but it sucks.