26F / 25M | Partner emotionally detached and Broke up during my lowest phase while thriving in his own life, regrets it now, how do I stop feeling guilty walking away?
I was in a relationship with my ex for almost a decade we started of really young. It wasn’t a perfect relationship but we were both sure of each other. Wanted eachother. There were no commitment issues or trust issues. We wanted a future together and were working hard for it. There were a few things that I found off in his behaviour but adjusted and thought with time it would get better. For eg. he would block me after any argument small or big…and give silent treatment for days… speak disrespectfully in anger. I didn’t see them as huge red flags in the beginning and was too much blinded by love.
He was very ambitious and career oriented since beginning and I was very proud of him. He even motivated me to do better and saw a potential in me. I felt supported and loved. I completed my masters 3 years back but at that time I wasn’t really satisfied with my career choices and he suggested I should try for MBA. And how it would be great for our future and will give us stability. So I started preparing for the competitive exams and i started taking a lot of pressure at times it felt like it wasn’t my cup of tea but I went ahead with it and was also relying on him. I was failing badly due to my anxiety spikes during the exam and yet i kept doing it for our future and to be able to stand on his expectations.
Last year he got into one of the best B schools and left his job for MBA. While i was preparing for the exam again.
I never was worried about long distance and that he would forget me or find better options. We were always very secure. We were planning to get married in the next 2-3 years.
He went there and got super busy, i understood that his schedule was unpredictable and he would take a couple of months to find his balance. We would talk very less and were not involved much into each other’s lives. I gave him space and time.
The first time i met him when he went there turned out to be the starting of me getting really insecure and vulnerable. I saw a girls texts on his insta that I didn’t know about. And when i opened the chat there were a lot of meme shared and emojis and conversation going on. He took the phone within seconds I could barely took a glance. I asked him whats wrong he said nothing she was restricted and she showed up in dms…and i was like why was she restricted he says because it was becoming too friendly and he felt uncomfortable. And I saw his flushed face and he could barely speak his heart rate was up I could tell. And i was like then show me if there is nothing to hide and he says….I deleted it! It took me a few weaks to get past through this incident. Eventually I choose to trust him. (In the past 1 more such incident took place)
He got super busy and slowly the communication became tough. I waited for his sumer internship placements to get over and thought he will be able to balance then! I found it hard to believe that he never felt like coming to me or found 2 mins to text back or call back.
Few months passed his placements got over his behaviour still remained same. I was panicking and worried all the time, specially with my own career pressure. He then got into placement team and became even busier. I kept assuming all the time that he was busy. I would post a story on Instagram and he watch it but leave me on seen every where. I started feeling neglected and alone. I went to see him and I saw he had a whole life there Parties sports hangout with friends, his dressing style changed, saw his room decorated with fairy lights and all. And it felt like I only knew a very little about his life now and while i kept assuming he was busy all the time. He was living a life here full of everything. I felt like he doesn’t feel the need to come to me or spend any time with me. I was struggling really hard with my own personal life tried to convey it to him that I needed him at times and he would never call back or text or even give me satisfactory answers to me. I would call him and he would never pick or even text back. It felt like i was a spam number to him. And i started feeling like i was a random girl chasing him. I started taking anxiety meds because I didn’t wanted to fuck up my exam this time. He only paid attention to me right before my exam wished me luck. My exam didn’t go that bad this time but i wasn’t good either and I choose not to go for an MBA. This time I broke down completely because I paused my life for this career shift and i was feeling really behind and even disconnected from him. I needed him to emotionally hold me. He was there for the first few days but I didn’t feel like he was getting the intensity of what i was going through.
We started having huge arguments later on…one day i told him that i had a anxiety attack today and he got really irritated started saying that its been a few months where i have been a little distanced and you are becoming a mess. I was seeking reassurance and some support and he said he wont give one rn he was in a new phase of his life and here i am turning all gloomy and it doesn’t feel like coming to me anymore. That i was too dependent on him for everything and there is always something to sort at my end. I tried explaining him that all i wanted from him was his presence and not putting the relationship on hold. I wasn’t asking for his time or his support all the time but a little consideration and to feel that i have my person with me.
He started behaving really harsh and rude to me. Barely he would talk to me. I was sick and tired of chasing him and expecting bare minimum.
I met him and i could see him really detached and in to much absorbed in his new life. At a point he felt unrecognisable to me his touch had no warmth. I could see he lost his admiration for me and us. When i left his place he just ghosted me for the next few days. Right few hours before my bday he texted and then wished me on text at 12 a very formal wish. And next morning he saw my Instagram story first and then texted me what were my plans. And then he was gone. I was expecting he would call or something. I was waiting for this day for so long that maybe atleast on my bday he would notice me, pay attention to me. My heart literally broke. He was the same person who would write huge paragraphs on my bday. That day i decided i wont reach him out now let him finish his responsibilities there and then i will have a conversation.
For 20 days we were in no contact. And finally when i reached out he ignored me for 4 days and then i asked is everything fine? Are you done with placements for your seniors? He says yes and i asked why aren’t you responding then and then he says it doesn’t feel like coming to you rn. And i have adapted to this new life and your life really seems stagnant rn. It feels really negative to come to you. I kept on asking how are we going to fix the distance between us and he gave vague replies like idk…time will tell etc etc.
I remember one day i texted him that i was really breathless and feeling restless and was worried about us. And his reply froze me! He said Go breath then! Why are you depending on me! I told him that his cold replies were scaring me and he said can you be normal for once?
I told him my parents were asking for marriage and we would have to tell our parents soon and he seemed really off he said he can’t marry this early! The same person who was dying to get married to me before! I told him to just tell his parents we will see when we get married then. Later on he says to me that this marriage talk really turned off something in hi. He said he wans a certain standard of leaving and you are a helpless 26 years old rn untill you settle professionally i wont tell me parents and its on you now if we get married or when we get married. I felt so judged and small like he knew i was trying my level best to make things work from the past three years and it felt like he was seeing me as some free loader and a burden. Even though when He saw my entire journey and how diligent i was. I said i might start slow and wont be able to meet your expectations I don’t have a fancy degree to which he said just do the bare minimum i am not even talking about my expectations!
Couple of days later i asked him to give me clarity and how am i supposed to stay in this relationship if your are all checked out. He said I dont want to leave you because i dont feel like but if you want you can leave…i was so heartbroken i didnt know what to do. I thought maybe ill meet him and we can fix whatever it is.
I met him…it was really awkward we had nothing to talk i could sense he was really detached stuck to his phone and wasn’t in the moment. I cried for hours asking him whats wrong begged him to fight for us and i could see his frustration. Not once he comforted me. Not once i felt like he was making an effort to save our relationship. We had a huge fight. He literally told me that it felt like i should ask you to leave i am so angry. I couldn’t understand what wrong i did. How did we reach here. I was trying to hold his hand and trying talking to him while he was glued to his phone he gave me the deadliest stare! I can never forget! He spent the entire night telling me that how emotionally demanding i was and the relationship needs flexibility while i was literally giving him all the space in the world and the more i gave the more he drifted apart. He said he wasn’t happy at all. I asked him does he wants to break up he said i have thought about it but i wont back off on the commitment. And how i was doing nothing about my career and i was someone who works hard but in her comfort! I could see he was ashamed and disappointed in me.
Next day we were going back to our homes together he started giving me cold shoulder. Shrugging me off. Not even letting me touch him. I felt really unwanted. Barely speaking to me. I asked what happened he made faces and said give me space!
I went back home i was so scared to even text him. I wrote him an apology that if i was being to emotional and pushy ill be handling things differently wished him happy anniversary and that i wanted to spend my entire life with him. What happened next shock me. He gave me multiple reasons and broke up. He said he had a talk with his friend and he said something that really hit him that he and I are very different and ill always try fitting in his life and will never be happy and will make him unhappy too. He said we were incompatible and our relationship was not okay before as well. That i have a gloomy nature and that he is unhappy. (The same boy who used to tell me that i was such a bubbly person and makes his life brighter) He has adapted to his new life and has been caged all his life and now seeks this way of living. And finds marriage suffocating and that I shouldn’t force him. That he has to look out for his family and can’t think of marriage rn! I want to focus on my career etc etc. He mentioned that he knew this would happen but he was trying hard to make it work! ( he did nothing but avoid me for months)
That day I decided that it was finally over. And deleted everything and just wanted to move ahead. From having anxiety and palpitations all day long. It took a long to become stable. It was so hard to believe that he changed so much in a span of few months. It was like some robbed me off of everything. This relationship was the only thing i felt secure about at this point in my life! I trusted him so much.
2 weeks later he came when i stopped chasing him and said i was expecting you would say something. I forgave him. I said you found a new identity you are happy its fine. You dont have to carry the commitment we made when we were kids to your grave. Ill be fine. We both deserve to he happy. He stated that he felt bad for being so harsh to me and disrespectful to me. But he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted and that the reality remains! He changed and he didn’t had clarity over what he wants!
He went on living his life normally. after almost 45 days of breaking up, he came and he said that he’s feeling lonely doesn’t feel like socialising anymore, etc etc and he was taking part in elections to become the secretary and he got disqualified, and then he stated that he wanted to try again with me and when I asked what happened now, he said that I just realise that I can’t lose long-term things for short-term things, and I told him that I can’t come back. I’ve started seeing him really differently now, and I’ve moved ahead in my life. Few days went by, and he was trying to convince me with the most vague and absurd, reasonings that he overestimated his capabilities and underestimated my impact. He didn’t think that this would impact him this much and he always valued me, but didn’t know how much he valued me. He always thought that he will be okay, but it is hitting me him a lot now and that he didn’t wanted to break up. It just happened. He was out of his senses and he was under pressure and that he had a security that no matter what i will always understand him and never leave! Because I have always understood and stayed! He wanted to come back immediately, but was waiting for the right time. He just got scared of a few things and to me, nothing made sense because I could see that he was enjoying his life very much. He was in a very high phase of his life and he thought he could lose me and he did, and he didn’t look back once if I was okay, and how it is going to impact me, and when life settled a bit he wanted me back. so I blocked him off from everywhere. Now it’s been almost 3 months of a break up and he has been sending me mails continuously that he loves me and he is a changed person and he wants one shot and he’s going to give me the best life, he fucked up and sometimes he says that I’m being so heartless and how can my love run out? I should give him a chance be the bigger person. That he is unable to tolerate his pain. He just made mistakes and he regrets it. Some of his mails are very emotionally charged. He says that his life depends on it and he cannot live without me and he has always wanted to marry me and he just fucked up really bad. I’ve tried to explain him multiple times that why is it impossible for me to even think about returning back to him because the way I used to see him has changed completely. He left me when I was literally ready to fight the world for him and vouch for him in front of everybody. he left me when I was making permanent decisions in my life in my career because I saw it as partnership and companionship, and I was making choices for our future, and I gave three years of my life to something that I was doing for him and us, and he knew it, and yet he ditched me when he got everything in his life. He evaluated me judged me after years of being with me, treated me like an option and tested living without me and returned back when life felt empty. Not only he broke up with me, but he broke up with me in the most brutal way possible for months, he detached, he made me felt like I was a random person in his life, he was really harsh l, cold and insensitive towards me, and while I was going through so much in my own life where I needed support, he became worse with me, and he made my vulnerability. a reason to break up with me, he’s trying everything to get my attention. He posted a story, wishing his friend birthday and my friend sent me that screenshot that photo seemed really intimate as if they were dating and that photo was taken while I was with him in a relationship and it seemed like they both were having a very cute moment, and I saw a bunch of other photos with that same girl where he’s standing very close to her almost looking like a couple and being very touchy to him, and when I confronted him, he told me that he did this to make me talk back and a few days before he told me that he will maybe date someone to get over this pain and to which I just said Do whatever you wish to do. And he says he said this to get my reaction. He told me that girl is just a friend. He did mention her as a friend months back when he introduced his friends to me. He told me he wasn’t cheating everyone knows about me here. But when i saw those pictures it really made me felt uncomfortable.
I realise that the more I talk to him. The more difficult it becomes for me to process and every time I relieve my pain, and if I have to really move on and make him accept that I’m not coming back. I need to go fully in no contact and ever since then he has been emailing me emotionally loaded text that makes me feel like he’s suffering badly and he keeps on asking for a chance, and he says that he’ll forever love me and wait and wishes that I come back and wishes to marry me and when I hear those emotionally flooded messages and hear that he is suffering and having anxiety attacks. Now it does break my heart. It makes me feel like what I went through. He is going through the same things, and I loved this person once and it makes me think that am I a horrible person for not giving him a chance? He has been after me for almost 2 months now, and every time I read a text, it feels horrible. I want him to be happy and to heal from this, learn and grow, and I cannot provide him any support right now. I’ve been feeling really conflicted that if I’m not giving him a chance, am I creating suffering for him for his entire life? and I don’t wish him to be unhappy, even after what all he has done to me I can not think of him as the same person, All I can remember is that he left me when he succeeded enough when I was counting on him and he was really harsh to me, and he did not look back once when I was going through the same kind of pain and even worse, I remember his list of reasons for breaking up with me. but my compassion and empathy for him is stopping me from healing completely from this relationship, and even though the relationship has ended officially, it feels like a connection is going on because he has been continuously flooding my email and he makes it seem like I’m just upset from him and he’s trying to make amends, but the thing is that fundamentally the relationship changed for me entirely. It took me months to accept that he was detached and that he chose to leave me after literally a decade while I was working hard for both our futures. I thought we were companions we were partners and he used to tell me that I was more than a girlfriend to him was a family to him and then he treated me just like a random girl and chose his happiness over everything and now him asking a chance and me not going back makes me feel like it’s unfair to me that I had to accept different realities in a very short span of time, and i did nothing to reach here but was genuinely dragged to a point where I can not feel the same for him. this time has been really hard for me, but I want to feel better and want to not feel guilty of not giving a chance to him when he regrets. Watching him suffer is not going to make me happy if i ever loved him truly I genuinely wish him well.
I don’t know how to process this situation anymore. Am I horrible person for not being able to give a chance to him? He will be fine right?
TLDR - Ex (27M) and I (26F) were together for almost 10 years. He got into a top MBA, slowly emotionally detached while I was struggling mentally and professionally, became cold, dismissive and harsh, said he had “adapted to his new life,” found marriage “suffocating,” called me “too dependent” and “gloomy,” and broke up after months of distance and mixed signals. It felt like he left during the highest phase of his life and the lowest phase of mine. Months later, after I started healing, he came back deeply regretting it and wants another chance. I care about him and feel guilty seeing him suffer, but something fundamentally changed in me after how everything happened. How do I move on without guilt and stop feeling responsible for his pain?