Girlfriend just left me, how do I go on?
My girlfriend called me at work this morning and ended the relationship. We've been together a little over 2 years. She was at basic military training for 8 weeks where we had basically no contact aside from snail mail letters. Now she's been in her tech school training for close to 3 weeks where she can use her phone in the evenings and on weekends. She comes home for a weekend in a week and a half before leaving for another month and a half of training.
A month before leaving for training she found out I had been watching porn(we both watch porn but had boundaries about it) we had agreed was not appropriate in a relationship. She also found out that I had been previously romantically involved with some of the females I had now plutonic friendships with or was friends with on social media. I had also actively lied about a couple of them ever being more than friends at any point in my life. I also had been still talking to and hooking up with my ex the first couple months of talking before asking my girlfriend out. I lied many times and didn't come clean all at once. She found out piece by piece until it all came out. I broke many of her boundaries repeatedly and lied about it.
I fully and truly understand the gravity of my mistakes. What I did to our relationship was horrible and no one should ever have to deal with a partner who lied and his the things that I did. I don't blame her for being angry and resentful towards me. I feel an intense level of shame and embarrassment and can't bring it up to anyone I'm close with.
But I did truly love her, I've never been so deeply in love with and obsessed with someone. I don't know why I did what I did. She didn't deserve it and I love her too much to have done what I did. I started going to therapy a few weeks ago, scrubbed my social medias and contacts of any women I even did anything with, stopped watching porn, and have been working on being 100% transparent and honest with her. Too little too late, I know. But now after 11 weeks of us being separated she now tells me she's finally decided she can't be with me.
Its such a deep blow, the week before she left we decided to stay together and work on beginning to mend things. We were very loving and sweet to each other. Then through basic we sent letters saying we loved and missed each other so much and I flew down to see her graduation to support her. She felt distant and cold. She had been building anger and resentment the whole time and then it just kept building through her follow on training. She kept saying she did still want to make it work, a few days later that she now wanted to wait and decide when she got home, then a few days after that we'd just see each other and hope it would work out. And now bam that she can't do it.
I don't blame her for wanting to end things but I've spent the last 11 weeks crying repeatedly and missing her, buying her gifts, taking care of her pet, planning a welcome home party, doing house projects for her ect. I've counted down the longest days of my life waiting to see her again. The last 3 weeks have been the worst, she's been very cold and hasn't provided any love, kind words, support or empathy. I fell into a deep depression and have been really struggling mentally. I reached out to her for help several times and was told she was hurt and couldn't focus on my emotions. I reached out to an emergency therapy hotline because I was doing so bad.
She has every right to leave me but I'm so absolutely crushed to have spent the last 11 weeks after being promised we'd work things out waiting for her. Every hour of every day I was thinking of her. Every project, plan, conversation all involved her. She was all I could think about. And now it's over, just a week and a half before she comes home.
How do I move forward in life? We live together but she has another month and a half of training after coming home for a weekend. I'm going to be stuck in the house with all her things to remind me day after day how much of an embarrassment and failure I am. I ruined the best thing I've ever had. I can't live like that. I can't see a future without her. My life was planned around being with her forever. I'm struggling to see any path forward. What do I do?