Living knowing you can't forgive and it might be ruining my health
I was hurt really bad as a kid by my sibling 10yrs older than me. That type of hurt. He was at least 16yrs of age. I'm not exactly where i want to be but I seem reasonably successful. Last born and only girl living in a different country all by herself with a good job. Supporting myself feels nice but I wish I had someone I could selfishly borrow money from and not payback like I hear other younger siblings do. When people ask about my family situation, i hear a mix of "last born? , The baby! , Only girl? , You must be spoiled!" I wish that were true. Told someone I felt like a maid when she describes herself as a princess.
Recently I have been shaky with the realization that I chose estrangement, life ahead feels daunting because I have no reference and my nervous system hasnt healed. You know how kids have bad grades because home is chaotic so they're subconsciously looking for attention from someone responsible with their bad grades. We age and these behaviors become personality disorders or attachment issues. For example lashing out at a date because I've never successfully expressed my emotions like I had practice or the space. Sometimes I want to fail so bad just so I would have some kind of proof that I was hurt and the perpetrator knows it's because of him. I dont want to get depressed or lash out anymore. I opened up and said my mind but I feel like I still have resentment towards the pain and it makes me feel shitty.
Sometimes I feel shitty because it's like I'll live my entire life and not know forgiveness? Or letting go ? Fear that I may forgive and I'll look back and wish I had not wasted my time crying and not making friends or flirting. Fear that I'll never forgive and I'll age and be emotionally crippled. I'm tired of the pain and anxiety. I let go of the "support" I knew growing up, nothing safe with the thought of keeping contact and not even with the "nice' extended family members who are richer than my "family" because I know it'll stunt my growth. i'm already stunted enough. I never knew I had this freedom, i was made to feel for a long time a very bleak reality. Trying to form new habits and break old ones. Trying to find the way back to me without the attachments from difficult moments.
It's funny because before I settled on my therapist, the previous ones and the current ones all thought "what family?". I'm tired, like I've been since I was a kid. More freedom doesnt amount to much with how depressed i am. coming to that realization that they're blood relatives but not family.
Idk if this makes sense to anyone, just ranting.