I just want to rant, I’m so tired.
So my ex and I got disfellowshipped for sexting and I sent my nudes ( my piece of shit ex was so self body conscious to send one). We didn’t have sex, he touched my boobs twice and honestly , the sexting I would stop it because I didn’t want to get in trouble. Anyways, we have the judicial committee and we both get disfellowshipped because we were not repented enough. I remember throwing up during my committee and gagging because I felt so sick. I had a second judicial committee because my mom thought it was unfair how I got disfellowshipped for that. (This all happened within a month). I remember my ex telling me don’t fight the judicial committee because he knows how the politics works (since his uncle was an elder and he was really close to).
I cried, threw up and they still said I was not repented enough. I remember even asking them to pray with me one last time so I wouldn’t last long in the “outside world”. And they said “at the moment we cannot do that”
This is when I had so much anger towards God. I thought only those who were not repentant got disfellowshipped. It wasn’t until I got reinstated where I woke up. I realized I went though so much crap for nothing. So much trauma for nothing. Being disfellowshipped just made my anxiety worse and I felt so much more lonely. But once I learned to be alone, I got so use to it that when I came back I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I remember when I was out, I would go to the bathroom and cry during the meeting feeling like a piece of shit, even after when I came back I was still doing the same, crying . I hated it.
I realized this religion doesn’t cause me peace. Just hell. I always struggled finding friends “in the truth” because they would always just back stab me. And when I tried to be friends with the “older ones”… Oh my, they just judge you and others so much.
I’ve grew up in this religion and I realized how annoying it is. It’s just drama, DRAMA EVERYWHERE!
After I came back, I will say I came back full force but I was just forcing myself. I was not happy anyone going to the meetings, doing service and talking to people. I remember people in my new hall all trying to become friends with me but for what? If I got disfellowshipped again, they wouldn’t talk or hangout with me .
I went to the Spanish hall one last time (this is were I went for 24 years and I got disfellowshipped from) and I remember staring down at the elders who disfellowshipped me from up on the stage .
I walked out before the prayer and I told these new sister from my “new hall” how I couldn’t stay til the prayer and she said to my face “well that was really cowardly of you to do, just so you wouldn’t say hi to these people. You should have waited until the prayer was done” I wanted to bitch slap that hoe. ( and yes she’s a hoe because she’s probably the mostly horny(est) sister and or lady I’ve ever met and would tell me how she would just go on tinder and sleep with men)
Anyways, thanks to anyone who reads this. It’s a lot and all over the place. I’ve just been through so much with this religion, I could write a book. This is just the tip of the iceberg.