AITAH for refusing to participate in the family hospital vigil?
Long story short, I (38F) am one of four daughters. Two of my sisters, my oldest sister Marni (40F) and youngest sister Deb (33F) have effectively cut me out of the family over conflicts that began more than a decade ago.
Quick timeline for context:
Marni divorces (2012)
I get pregnant (2012)
I marry (2013)
I have my first child (2013)
Marni remarries (2014)
I have my second child (2015)
Deb has a child (2015)
Marni has a child (2016)
Marni’s second husband has a very aggressive parenting style that he describes as “rough and tumble.” In my opinion, it’s outdated, includes physical punishment, and has contributed to my niece becoming physically
aggressive with other children, including my daughters.
Examples: my children have been bruised and hurt multiple times while around her. One particularly memorable incident was my niece hitting my oldest daughter in the face with a golf club during miniature golf.
Even my father once questioned whether something deeper might be going on behaviorally with my niece. My mother and I discussed addressing it with Marni multiple times, but nothing ever happened.
That’s pretty typical in my family. The unspoken rule is: don’t address problems, keep the peace, protect appearances. My mother is a minister, and religion has often been used in ways that feel more controlling than compassionate. I’ve historically pushed back against family dysfunction rather than staying quiet, and yes, I admit when I’m upset, I can be blunt and use colorful language. That gets used against me.
The breaking point came at a family party.
My niece was antagonizing both of my daughters. I have video of her kicking my youngest. I found my oldest crying alone on a bedroom floor. My husband took our girls to the car while I tried to address the situation with Marni. While doing that, I could hear my brother-in-law yelling aggressively in my niece’s face. I snapped and told him not to speak to her that way. He immediately got in my face yelling. Marni disappeared. I yelled back. Yes, I cursed. Yes, I said things like “bullies breed bullies.”
I don’t love how I delivered the message, but I stand by the core concern.
After that, Marni explicitly told me I was not welcome around her family anymore. I respected that boundary.
Two years later, I hosted Halloween at my house and invited all aunts and cousins. Marni declined. Then Deb exploded.
Her issue? I hadn’t specifically mentioned “uncles” in the invite.
That turned into a massive text attack where Deb called me a narcissist, liar, manipulator, and claimed I had fabricated my negative experiences with Marni’s husband and daughter in my head. She told me I was going to hell.
Marni said I had treated her daughter “like dirt under my shoes,” despite the fact that after being told I wasn’t welcome, I had simply kept respectful distance while still being polite at family events. When I asked for concrete examples, none were given.
Meanwhile, my mother sat in the group text reacting with thumbs-up emojis while my sisters tore into me.
I repeatedly asked my mother to say something. She didn’t.
Marni eventually said she’d “be fine” seeing me at family events, but that she was done with me. I responded honestly: I would not be fine pretending everything was okay, so I would not attend. Since Marni hosts nearly every family holiday, that effectively meant I stopped seeing most of them, including my mother, who remains angry that I haven’t apologized. And I remain upset that she didn’t validate things I was saying.
Now to the current issue:
My grandmother (94F) is in the hospital.
Earlier this week, she was so sick she didn’t want visitors. My mother told me Marni showed up anyway.
A few days ago, my mother also told my grandmother that she could “let go,” which honestly struck me as emotionally strange because she seemed relatively matter-of-fact about it at the time.
Now that things are more critical, my mother is a mess and wants support. Yesterday, the whole family gathered at the hospital to sit in the waiting room while my grandmother underwent surgery.
I did not go.
Instead, I took today off work planning to visit my grandmother directly, only to learn she’s now in ICU in a medically induced coma and cannot have visitors.
I know my mother is unhappy that I didn’t come yesterday.
I strongly suspect there’s an expectation that a grandmother’s impending death should magically reunite the sisters. But I’m angry at the assumption that I should sit in a waiting room for hours with three women who have treated me horribly, painted me as unstable or malicious, and largely erased me from the family narrative.
My relationship with my grandmother is separate from all of that. I spoke with her a few days before surgery. She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her. I have peace with that. I want her comfortable and cared for.
But I genuinely don’t see how sitting silently in a tense waiting room with people who either openly dislike me or won’t acknowledge me would help anyone and least of all my grandmother.
So: AITJ for refusing to participate in the family hospital vigil?
My sisters refuse to speak to me and my mother aligns with them so I don’t want to sits hours on end with them in the hospital.