Hearing my best friend talk about leaving his girlfriend brought back feelings I thought were gone
I feel like a terrible person for even thinking this.
My best friend and I have known each other since middle school. Back then I told him I liked him, and he turned me down. It wasn't cruel or dramatic. He just said we'd be better as friends, and honestly, he was right. We stayed friends and eventually became really close.
Over the years I convinced myself I got over him.
He got a girlfriend. Life moved on. I dated other people. Everything was normal.
Tonight he came to me and told me he's miserable in his relationship. He said he's been unhappy for a long time and doesn't think he wants to stay in it anymore.
And I immediately told him that if he's truly unhappy, he should leave.
The second the conversation ended, I felt sick.
Not because I think the advice was wrong. If anyone came to me and described the same relationship, I'd probably say the exact same thing.
But I can't stop wondering if I wanted him to leave because it's the right thing for him, or because some selfish part of me is still hoping for something I've wanted since I was a kid.
That's the part I'm ashamed of.
I don't want to be the girl waiting around for her friend's relationship to fail. I don't want to secretly root against someone else's happiness. I don't want to be the reason a relationship ends.
But if I'm being completely honest with myself, hearing him talk about leaving her woke up feelings I thought were dead years ago.
Now I'm stuck questioning my own intentions and wondering if I've been lying to myself this whole time about being over him.
He has no idea I still feel this way.
And honestly, I don't know what hurts more: realizing I still love him, or realizing that a small part of me was happy to hear he might become single.