u/Fine_Type_402

She grabbed my collar pulled me out of my seat slapped me a few times the whole class was silent everyone was looking at me and then she screamed at the top of her voice go sit on the floor.

I did.

She said NO go sit next to the dustbin on the floor.

I did.

And then she said some words of encouragement i still remember after 11 years while I was on the floor next to the dustbin she looked at me with the most hateful look I had ever seen and said

"that's where you belong".

I don't have much idea I was 12 but similar incidents happened quite often.

I believe all that was the onset of the thought process that everyone is better than me I am a loser.

When I talked to someone I used to be thinking inside they know how big of a loser I am afterall they were all on the seats and I was on the floor.

I started having trouble making friends. I started cutting myself off from sports from drama from music basically everything i found interesting because I thought all these activities are for good students losers like me don't deserve to have fun. No one wants me here. And that's how my school life went.

It was a whole lotta work coming out of that extreme self hatred. And it's still not over yet just a small improvement - there are days i don't hate myself.

I don't know what to make of all that it's just a childhood memory.

Oh btw she did all that cause I had not completed a few chapters in my notebook. I wasn't even a bad student I was average at worst.

The weather outside is nice, blue cloudy sky winds blowing, it's been like this for a week.

I like going out I like going to parks, to unexplored places, heritage historical relics, museums, shops, markets, natural settings like on a river bank or maybe natural trails bw trees and stuff, trying new things.

There's a library in the city i wanted to check out. There's like 100s of eateries or cafes or street food places I wanted to check out. There were a lot of movies I wanted to see. I never did any of that. My social anxiety is really bad stops me from going anywhere alone.

I can't even go out with someone else cause there's no one and no point waiting for the right person that's all just myth.

I just sit in a room sitting on a chair or laying on a bed I see the sky through the window I see the leaves fluttering and the sky changes colours the day passes and a new day starts and I see it all again and again and again.

I have no one in life, no purpose, no job, no experiences, no friends and atp no online friends too absolutely nothing, my parents hate me because of the failure I am( not their fault)

i don't feel the energy to do anything. There is no fire or willpower inside. I am just cosplaying as a normal human in the real world. Only human connection i have are these shitass posts and comments, temporary internet friends everything that makes me feel more hollow than before.

Time is slipping I 24M find myself incapable of doing anything.

The person i want to be and the person i am are two very distinct people.

I don't know what I am.