r/RecluseIndia

I was going to write a long paragraph ranting about a lot of different stuff, but currently don't have the mental or the physical energy for that, my DMs are open if anyone wants to talk, would be really appreciated ✌🏻

When I was in school, my parents used to fight very often, and I used to live in fear, wondering how a happy family could suddenly transition into a scary one all of a sudden with just one argument. Since then, I developed a habit where whenever my parents talked, I would listen to their tone and try to estimate whether things would go badly in any way possible. I totally lived in fear.

I used to go to a very restricted and strict-schedule school where we continuously studied for 6 to 7 hours or more straight with no sports and all, but I was kind of a half bully in my class. Maybe now I know that people who have family issues at home can turn out to be bullies in school. But I didn’t really mock or torture anyone. I used to beat this guy, let’s say his name was X, because he was so cowardly, which didn’t sit right with me, so I kinda used my hands to set him straight.

After 1 year together, we became close best friends with mutual interests and a very trustworthy friendship. But one day, X got into an accident and didn’t come to school at all for almost 3 months, so I used to call him daily and tell him everything that happened in school because I was very loyal to my friend. One day, I asked him when he would come back to school, but he always said “soon, soon” and never came.

I couldn’t let anyone else take my friend’s place beside me, so there were 2 other guys on the same bench, let’s say A and S, with whom I wasn’t very close before, but X was kinda a mutual friend to them. While X wasn’t there, I became somewhat close friends with A and S over time. Then A got transferred to another school, and only me and S were left.

One day, one of my classmates, let’s call him P, wanted to come to our bench for a better understanding of the class in place of X, but I refused him, saying X would return someday. I said if he wanted to be temporary, he could sit there until X came back. Then P wanted to sit in A’s place as his replacement, so we both agreed. All three of us, me, P, and S, sat together and became close day by day.

One day, X called me saying he would come back from the next day onwards. I was so happy to hear that and looked forward to seeing him again in school. The next day, X came back, and all 4 of us became great buddies over time. Then our summer vacation started, and everything was going good.

I enjoyed my summer holidays for almost 2 months straight until my parents asked me when school was reopening. I said I didn’t know because they hadn’t informed anything regarding that in the WhatsApp group either. So casually, I called X to ask what he was doing in summer and when school was going to reopen. Then X told me school had reopened 1 month back already, but I still hadn’t come to school.

After hearing that, I was so shocked. I asked him why he didn’t call me when he knew I wasn’t coming to school, and he replied, “I thought you would show up lately.” Those words shattered me completely because my best friend didn’t even bother to call me despite my absence.

The next day, I went to school and saw both X and P sitting together on a three-seater bench, so I sat beside them. After some time, S came to class and told me to move because it was his place, which shocked me totally. Then I had to sit on the bench behind them.

X was my best friend, and we had known each other for 3 years, so I thought it was normal at first. But when I saw the three of them having fun without even noticing me sitting right behind them, laughing and giggling together, I tried to join them, but they acted as if I was invisible. I kept poking X because I knew he would answer, but he ignored me and only replied once before going back to their conversation. After watching that, I was devastated.

During lunch, I questioned X about why he didn’t save a place for me beside him, and he said, “I thought you wouldn’t come anytime soon, so all three of us sat together.” After hearing that, my mind, which was already messed up from the previous day, almost broke, and I felt like I was about to tear up.

Classes continued, and I sat beside one of my classmates while casually talking and getting to know him. Suddenly, he said, “You should only sit here for today because from tomorrow my friend is coming back to school after vacation.” I replied “okay,” but inside I was crying so hard that I felt like I might collapse.

I started thinking about how the person X, for whom I stopped others from sitting in his place for more than 3 months, couldn’t even save my place for 1 month, and now indirectly I had to find a new place. Then I asked X, who was sitting in front of me, about what the guy beside me had said. X started scanning the whole class for a place for me, which completely killed me inside because instead of asking the other 2 guys to move, he chose to move me while still wanting to hold onto me as a friend.

My trust was completely shattered, and my limit had been crossed. I felt like I got everything stripped away from me by the same people to whom I had shown kindness, given a place, and become friends with. But X couldn’t even think about me through all this and ignored my existence until I appeared in front of him.

I lost my sanity, and the next day I cut all ties with them and with my best friend X, with whom I had been friends for 3 years. We were one of the most infamous friend groups in the school, and everybody knew us. I started sitting with other classmates, and later I heard that X cried because I cut ties with him. Everyone in the class supported him and made me the villain while hating me for what I did to X.

One day during exams, a group of classmates familiar with me asked what happened between me and X, but I chose not to answer because I thought if I told them the truth, the life X was living with friends who believed I was the villain all along would collapse. So I simply said I left him and didn’t want to get involved anymore.

Later, I found out X cried for me and cursed me for leaving him, so I thought about patching things up on his birthday. I called him to wish him and asked who else had wished him, and he replied that P and S had wished him early in the morning. After hearing that, I couldn’t speak for a few seconds, then just said “okay” and cut the call.

Again, I wondered what exactly I was doing when he couldn’t even notice my presence or try to patch things up despite my absence, so I completely lost hope. I focused on studying and scored really good marks, among the top 5 in my class, but my classmates spread rumors that I cheated to get those marks. The same people who supported X spread those rumors without even informing him about it.

After that, I lost everything, and even my efforts felt invisible. Over time, I became numb to emotions and stopped letting people get close to me. Whenever I talk to people, I feel like there’s a bridge between us or like I’m trapped inside a bubble. That weird feeling hits me every single time and made me stop talking to people.

I eventually graduated from that school with no emotions, trust issues, and fear of people. Even now, years later, I still can’t completely recover from my trauma, although I’ve become somewhat better over time. But I still feel that bridge-and-bubble feeling whenever I try to connect with new people, because of which I don’t have many friends and unconsciously don’t let anyone get too close to me.

I also hate group gatherings and crowded places, which I mostly avoid. My mental health has degraded to a point where I have multiple moods and egos. One moment I cry, and the next moment I become emotionless, and then something else takes over, which feels uncontrollable at this point. That’s why I wanted to post this on Reddit to finally get it off my chest.

If you’re reading this i wanna say my my trauma has messed my social life , thank you for reading.

I was shutting myself in from around the beginning of this year. I do this a lot and I've done this before. But almost 5 months of isolating was a new low. Never really went out except for sometimes college or interviews, even that was rarely. My mental health worsened to a point I lost any of the friends I had, even online ones in games etc. Completely stopped all contact with anyone. I had deleted instagram and all that stuff like a year back anyway. Well, if I think about it I was kinda isolating from back in 2025 but it was not completely like shutting myself in. It was a gradual change maybe that's why no one cared that much.

This idea of isolating and eventually killing myself was stuck in my head. I mean I had it planned out mostly. Even though the plan was kind of stupid but I'm m not a rational person when I get like that.

I don't know what got into me yesterday I just started to miss her terribly after writing in my diary. She has been my friend for almost a decade. I think what I have with her I don't want to lose because I really have no one in my life. I'm so grateful that she still cares for me. She knows a little bit of what I'm going through and is not judgmental at all. I'm so happy but also anxious that I'll be meeting her today. I might have a public breakdown when I meet her it's been so long.

She's the only one who wants nothing from me, all the other relationships I had even my own parents are conditional. She's the only one who'll still be my friend no matter how unsuccessful, stupid or ugly I get.

can you drop em in the comments, my top 5
Opeth - to bid you farewell
buckethead - soothsayer
porcupine tree - arriving somewhere but not here & anesthesize
tool - lateralus
dwesha - kapala harra

Well, All of those instagram meme reels arnt feeling so funny, is it?

i am not really sure what i am supposed to say. Is this it? is believing that there is something wrong with me fundamentally true all along?

I mean when I look back, My manic episodes, anger issues, abandoment and other dumbfuckery makes too sense now.

Yay. I am now mentally ill, now i have a great excuse to continue living the big disappointment i have became, Right?

all ever i wanted was to be normal, and apprently now i realise that there is nothing i can do to be normal.

For the rest of my life, my patterns will keep repeat.

For rest of my life, i will keep getting angry on my most loved ones randomly and then a week later find myself begging to get forgiven and drown myself in guilt.

I will never be consistent with anything i do and i will keep leaving it.

This is the truth of my life i suppose. Motivation? Discipline? Obession? Talent? Fuck all of that, nothing matters if you got something wrong with yo head.

But it doesnt even matter, Its my life, and i will have to live it, not anyone else.

Fuck. I am still young and i just need to focus on making money and then attend lots of therapy and idk what fuck not to fix myself.

What an insane veil of self doubt i possess. Not even a veil, its a fucking spider web.

it doesnt matter. I think i just to need to sleep for now...

19M, am suffering a lot due to my parents, they make me feel like s**cide is the only option, they make me feel like i am the burden or problem of their life, i can't do this anymore, i fucking hate my life. i hope i could talk to someone and cry. thank you for reading.

I am in a very complicated situation. I did my masters in India and came to EU for my PH.D. Due to some circumstances (COVID), I was not able to finish my Ph.D but I started working in small startups post that. Right now, my profile is so oevr place. I get interviews, go uptown the last round to be rejected. Its been almost 1 year I have been unemployed. Since I stay with my live in partner, I told my parents we are married which has made my situation more complex. I am seriously at loss on what to do.

Don't get too close

For there is nothing to see,

I am a decorated corpse

That reeks of misery.

Having difficulty with focusing on everything. I am also starting to feel guilty for not doing enough in life. Like studying and social interactions. I am 28 now, constantly living with the guilt of not doing enough. There's a strange dichotomy of what my brain tells me to do vs what i actually do. I wish I had enough talent in engineering, these days work also doesn't really excite me anymore, which i thought i would wholeheartedly delve into after finishing my academics.

Currently life is teaching me the law of detachments; no more pleading, no more tears, no more expectations

Msc physics k bad muje sokh chada k phd krti hu isiliye fellowship exam ki preparation krne lag gai. 2 sal ho gye ghr me exam clear nai hui Ab me kya kru smj hi nai aa raha. Kal mummy ne itna data k uske bad se muje ghr me khana khane me bhi saram aa rahi hai.

Hear out my story, i need to vent it's too much right now.

Everything was so good till 10th, after 10th it changed all; my life. Was an average student scored in the line of 75% both in 10th and 12th.

After 10th started to prepare for JEE exam and cracked it. Mind it, prepared for that exam for 3 hard years; 11th, 12th & drop year. Those years sucked the social life out of me.

Well "kuch paane ke liye kuch khona padta hai" so got into top 10 IIT. Was really happy.

Im a really introverted guy, and ugly too. Im dark skinned so yeah had a hard time making friends there in the new environment. Had no one during my whole clg days which led to severe depression, addiction to cigarettes, alhocol. Being ugly really is a punishment. It affected my academics alot, im having 17 backlogs in all. All day in clg used to be spent alone. From hostel to classes. All alone. I tried making friends in my cls but they didn't want to be with me. In my 3rd year isolation, self rejection and what not made to go attempt that. Tried to hamg myself but unfortunately got saved. Spent 5 days in icu. And as of today its been 4 months im in my home with my extremely disappointed parents. Being told that i shouldn't have survived and that i was a mistake. And returning to clg not even possible as they wont fund my education now and even if i did return i cant clear the backlogs not handle the acad pressure there.I dont even have money for therapy and all. Which asked for & as expected denied that too. As in their pov its nothing. So thats how in short i destroyed my life.

I'm stuck here for long reasons. My brain hurts hearing Indian languages and even the Indian English accent because I didn't have a nice time growing up here before I left for Canada and Europe. Unfortunately due to many reasons including health, family and money I couldn't figure out a way to remain there.

Now I'm back here all I see is jealousy from others who are arrogant cause they've never been humbled from going outside to realize how backwards we are, overpriced low quality no vfm goods, pointless over competitive unproductive corrupt high taxed low pay roles abusive underemployment with no innovation. My family has less means to send me out again but they're denying it and I'm also scared of downgraded wageslaving just to survive until I figured out remote passive income means or startup in something creative I'm passionate about. Unfortunately premium foreign clients avoid non-tech Indian freelancers and investors here are a joke by themselves and I'm losing hope for ways to make money as things go, forget quality of life factors.

I found girls be it paid or unpaid way more pleasant and receptive overseas compared to here in India where anyone remotely attractive has so much ego and a shield. Not to mention that for 50 euros/5kinr I could get southern European/middle eastern girls much prettier than bollywood models ( who cost 10x more here with worse attitude and service) in German sauna clubs full service or french Canadian strip clubs full contact. I had an addiction where I used to pay for sex and when I ran out of money ( for other reasons) got addicted to drugs that helped me hallucinate very realistic interactions with women in VR and those are not easy to get here.

I've dropped away my previous plans for getting married and raising a family long ago even in the west and my chances of saving up enough to move overseas or reskilling up technically seems too long and tedious and uncertain that all I do now is sleep 16 hours a day hoping to recall positive lucid dreams and stumble into ai video generated VR pov porn (for which I don't even have enough money to customize).

I always looked into the creative industry but I hate Bollywood other Indian film culture and don't find it relatable at all in fact I regret not avoiding Indians when overseas cause people want to stick to the familiar tbf my experience would've been much better had I gone somewhere with much less south asians like Spain where learning a second European language (which I was lazy too) would've been a barrier. Now I'm stuck in a place I didn't have a choice of being born in and stuck to people I regret not avoiding overseas for numerous reasons that led me to this state.

​

I don't know what to do in life. I have so many self-doubts. Everyone's career is set, they've got jobs, some have even moved abroad and gotten married. My problem seems to be that it's too late for me, and I'm so worried I don't try anything. My time is just spent in doubts and overthinking. I don't know how to get out of this.

I never tried. I never studied my whole potential, procrastination blah blah i had suic1dal tendencies since i was 13 i was supposed to be dead every year but I didn't, I didnt plan my future or give my everything. Idek anymore. Last year I got into some college, in a course that I hated to core. I dropped out and now preparing for entrance test ( which is haven't prepped and exam is tomorrow) now im gonna end up in shitty college again. I dont even have stable parents who'd pay for management seat, I live with my grandparents and I dont thibk they can support me financially anymore. Idek what im doing with my life. What if I fall in the same loop as my previous college? I dont wanna even live. I am planning to off myself mid college years. I can still off myself now but I dont wanna burden my family with my death, they already have lot of stuff going on. Call me dumb, stupid and a loser idec anymore. I dont wanna do this. Too much work. Ik everyone's gonna try to talk me out of syicide but why are people glazing, living so much? Go outside? What if i dont want to? I simply just dont have the will to live and ofc im destined to failure with this mindset. Im poor with no will to live and no passion for things or anything. Even if I live, ill still be a directionless person, just like I was until now.

Please dont hit me with "go outside " or "hold on life is beautiful" or religious things

Hello Everyone, I am a boy or man 🤔 (confused because I feel like I have not matured enough to be a man, I think so) at 24-ish age. Let me start my sob story of life. Not much interesting tings to share about my life, as most of it is vague and continuous injuries occurred in accidents in my teenage days, got good parents who are understanding and keeping my unemployed ass at home. I had an average introvert school life as quiet kid but not quite quite kind but average background npc character that is interactable dialogues hoad no deep friendship till high school i think i got two good friends and my high school but not that deep i thinks so ( but wanna improve my friendship) I feel like my life is quite ... I dont't know how to express in words like a passable character or npc ish feel ( maybe my expections have been based on cinemas or don't know). Well, I am a walking contradiction. I wanna have more friends, but I hate to talk to new people, they're just people in general. well i dont even know when i last hugged someone ( i thinks huggs are good don't know i dont have any remebarance of hugging some one) oh feels like i have gone off topic the things is I started my carreer not quite a career i just joined a job at 2022 dec as i done my bca in 2022 in a tier 3 unfamous or non poplar college (which is school affliated i don have any good meemories in my college but the fees was so cheap compared to other colleges but school was fun) I took bca because at the time i dont know what to pick (till now i don't know what to do on a side note i think carreer's are not that important my prespective it s just a job anyways moneys it make and comfort are need) As i was saying my first job is a medical indexer for ime exam done for insurance for us medical which i quit (run away) after 8 months then looked for a better job or better or affordable payable job the first one pay is 10k inr then i was unemployed for 8 months and got placed in another one as data annotator or content writer which the pay is 16 k been there for 1 yr 7 months till last sep of 2025 but the work was too toxic worked a month with out leaves full extension ot was a regular thing got pressure with 2 rounds of layoffs offing arounf 1500 people because of idiot management so due to extended overtime i quit ( i know u can call me lazy or waste other but at that time i was quite burned out and u may think its an quite easy job to fuss about may be my capacity is that all) cuurently after the quit i been unemployed ( u may ask u r lazy bro do u have so much money the ans is no we are what i think is a low....no very low income family but the one thing i did while i was in job was to put into savings so this time i have some saving which is gonna run dry) at dec mid i joined a skecthy company as a freelancer for hourly wages for anothertrr company innodata who works on multimango but the work was on and off so it been over

So finally i wanna hear out from any one for what to do next as i feel bored incompetent as i cannot enjoy anything i previously enjoyed even sitting before lap is feeling like chore so every one suggest me a way so i can choose from as i am ignorant of the worldly choice that are available because i feel like the jobs are less and current market demands skills and social networking which i don't have and im trash at, so i wanna explore multiple choice out there for both work and life i would also like if you suggest any hobbies or activity to try be it anything so share ur thoughts

P.S. Note: the above are my jumbled thought that flowed directly from my thoughts without being filtered, so I may be a bit weird and over the places, so pls bear with it and please be a little bit kind in the response as I know I am lazy and useless but it feels better to hear cheering words.

Cheers to the life everyone... A lost person