My dog died today at 5.5 years old. I feel immense guilt…
I’ve only have only ever had a dog when I was little. So I was ecstatic to find out we were getting another family dog! She was one of the kindest dogs I have ever seen. Never bitten anyone, always very interested in meeting other dogs (and cats!), never had extensive barking sessions, always greeted everyone.
I’d never noticed it but she was a persistent beacon of happiness throughout my life. To know theres always a big package of unconditional love waiting for you when you come home. To hug her and give her kisses back,to be with her a few minutes before she sleeps just to be with each other.
She had never had any significant health issues. Only an inflamed bladder but that was it. Then it started, first the puking. She sometimes does this if she ate something bad while walking and we didn’t see, or she somehow found something she wasn’t supposed to in the garden. But then it persisted. So we called a vet for a visit. They said they could give a shot against the puking, and we could see if she gets any better, and if not take some pictures of her belly.
So we went home hoping she would indeed become better. It appeared, instead, the puke came out the other way. She also appeared to be losing weight fast. She started eating less, still drank well. But we quickly appeared to the vet for that scan.
First they diagnosed an uterus inflammation. Minutes before heading into the operation room, a specialist joined the discussion and found out it was actually an intestine inflammation instead, which could be treated by antibiotics. You cannot imagine our relief and happiness she did not have to endure a surgery.
Then we had to wait. Wait for her to get stronger so she could return home. My dad and sister went to visit her one time to see how she was doing, and apparently this was jot such a good idea as ever since she started clawing and chewing at her cage crying loudly. She wanted to go home. And so quite quickly, now yesterday, she was discharged home. When we saw her she looked in great shape. Though she was a bit thin she had energy, appeared joyful and not in pain anymore. That same night, I went for a final walk, gave her a treat, and then followed her to her bed to take her collar off and give a few kisses before she went to bed. I lay there for a bit relieved I don’t have to worry anymore. And then I went upstairs, then today happened.
My dad called me urgently to come downstairs as he had found the dog having an epileptic seizure. We rushed to the vet but we were too late; she was already too far gone and the only reasonable thing was to put her down. I am devastated. In disbelief. And worst of all, I feel guilty. I wasn’t there in her final moments. I lied upstairs sleeping as she endured her seizures alone. She had tried to walk to her water bowl, or maybe the door for help, but collapsed and bumped things over along the way. In the end she collapsed in her water bowl when we found her, when she was likely already too far gone.
I don’t know how to cope with this. She was my companion. I thought I had so many years left. She was the kindest soul I have ever known. She was the last to deserve this death, alone. She might have not felt or known much in these episodes anyway but I didn’t want her to endure this alone. God knows how scared she must have been. Yes it’s better than in a vet room but still… I wasn’t there. It feels like I betrayed her. When she never woke up, even at the vet, I’ve missed my goodbye, my apologies for all the things we couldn’t do. I don’t even know where to go. I can’t go downstairs and look at her bed, her toys, but not her. I don’t want another dog, to replace her. She didn’t deserve this, this lonely death…