(22M) I can't figure out where I'm going, and I hate it
Hey everyone. This is a long post, but I'd really appreciate any help that y'all give. I made this burner account about a year ago, but I was too nervous and couldn't find the words to articulate what's going on until I'm basically forcing myself to now. I don't even know for sure if this is the "right place" to vent this. I'll try to keep this as brief yet informative as possible, but I'm probably gonna yap through a lot of this. I'm not in a very clear mindspace atm.
I graduated from college in May, and I can't help but feel that I'm destined for a stagnant and unfulfilling life if I don't do something soon. When my family moved to a new state about 9 years ago, I became a different person both mentally and emotionally. While I wasn't always happy with things in the previous state, I had a somewhat active social life. I had people I could connect with, and I felt like a more put-together person. But after the move, my friends just completely stopped talking to me over text and whatnot. This wouldn't be the end of the world if not for the fact that I just couldn't find my footing in my new place. I found acquaintances here and there, but I felt alienated and increasingly awkward. This agonizing situation snowballed to the point where I became more and more reclusive and depressed, among other things.
Believe me, I've tried connecting with people all this time whenever I got the courage to, but little to nothing really stuck. It's not that I don't have any speaking skills at all, because I can hold a conversation fine for the most part. I've made acquaintances, and many people I talk to don't seem to have much of a problem talking with me. I don't think I'm that much of a "boring" person, either. I have a handful of hobbies and interests. Through high school and college, what's mostly limited me is my anxiety and a lack of motivation. I've been used to doing and feeling nothing for so long that I can feel it numbing my brain like crazy.
I studied for a good-paying degree with a decent job outlook, and I've begun to grow more independent in my college years, but I don't feel accomplished. I honestly don't care much about my degree when I just feel so perplexed. I had a good college roommate I'm chill with and do things together with, but I can tell that we're probably gonna drift apart sometime in the future, especially with him going to master's school in a different state soon. I'm not gonna be hearing much from him.
My parents are very supportive of me and want to help the best they can. I have a good relationship with them, and it's not like I haven't tried telling them about some of the things I'm going through. Though pretty much every conversation ends up with them basically saying, "Well, you'll figure some of this stuff out once you get a job". I love them, but is it really that straightforward? I don't know what'll happen then. I'd like to think I'll find some people and a purpose, but I can't trust it. Who's to say that five years from now, I won't end up in the same boat I'm currently in: awkward, worried, and without something to look forward to besides paying off my debt in doing a job I only kinda like to do?
I've lost so much sleep over the years just dreading this, and I'm going to a master's school in the fall, maybe just to delay answering these questions further. I'm tired of pitying myself and feeling trapped. I need to heal. There's still a small yet loud part of me that wants to just radically shift where I'm going. I have dreams that I can't even begin to think of how I might realize them, but most of all, I want to be comfortable in my own shoes. I want friends who I can do things together with, but it's more nuanced than that. I know I'm only 22 and I have so much life ahead of me, but I want to feel good knowing that I won't just keep repeating and feeding into the same cycle of moping and hoping that's been like my daily news report.
I don't really have a specific question, but what should I do? What can I do to fix this? I feel lost, and I don't like not knowing where I'm headed when I've already gone through so much mud.
Again, I would really appreciate any help and/or questions on this! I will do my best to respond to y'all asap! :D