Am I wrong for feeling unsupported by my fiancé (now ex)?
I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel like I can’t tell which way is up.
My fiancé and I have been together for three years, engaged for about six months, and friends for years before that. We’ve been long-distance while I finish my PhD. We had talked many times about marriage, children, and building a future. I had gone off birth control with his knowledge because we were thinking we might start trying within the next year, and we were using period tracking.
Before this, I had also told him that if I became pregnant, I would not want to make a major decision just because the timing wasn’t perfect.
The day before I found out, I told him I was going to take a test. He said he hoped I wasn’t pregnant because of the timing, but that if I was, it would be okay.
That night, I found out I was pregnant.
When I told him the next day, his first response was to question whether it was his. There was no reason for that. Then he quickly told me what outcome he wanted. It felt immediate and cold, like there was no real pause for how I was feeling, what my body was going through, or what I needed.
Later that day, he told me he had very little faith in our relationship and had felt that way for a long time. This was incredibly confusing because for weeks he had been telling me I was his person, that he wanted marriage and children with me, and that I could rely on him.
Since then, I’ve tried to say that I can’t focus on negotiating the entire relationship right now. I’m pregnant, scared, and trying to figure out what I can live with. But he keeps tying the pregnancy to the state of the relationship.
He has told me he can’t come be with me because he would make it about himself. He also said part of why he was cold was because he knew what I might want. I asked him not to send long messages about his doubts or the relationship ending because they were destabilizing, and he sent one anyway. In it, he framed a lot of his withdrawal around my anger, communication, and our relationship problems.
That is the part I can’t get past. I feel like my reaction to feeling abandoned is being treated as the reason for the abandonment.
There is also a future parenting issue that scares me. He does not want the same outcome I might want, and he does not want to be with me, but he has also made clear he would expect to be involved as a parent. He has much more money and family support than I do, and the thought of being tied to someone who is already making me feel this powerless is terrifying.
I know I have been angry. But I feel like I am reacting to something real: I became pregnant after many promises and reassurances, and then the person who made those promises became cold, distant, and focused on his own fear.
He keeps making me feel like if I had just been calmer, gentler, less angry, or better at communicating, then maybe he would have shown up differently. But I don’t think I should have had to be perfect to deserve care in this situation.
Am I wrong for feeling unsupported and pressured? Is it fair that I’m angry? How do I think clearly when the decision is happening in my body, but the pressure around it feels so enormous?